Rules for Yoga (God damn it!)

Okay. Have recently had the pleasure of doing ‘hot yoga’, more commonly known as yoga-in-a-sauna-with-other-really-sweaty-people-some-of-whom-are-really-hairy.

Having gone with my workout partner J, we decided to see if it was ‘our thing’ – turned out to be that and so much more (& most definitely more gratifying than squash). By the time we had completed our 1.5 hour hot yoga class, not only were we capable of walking backwards while facing forward, but we had also soaked through our tanks and pants, from the tops of our heads to the tips of our toes, we were completely drenched in sweat…so much so that our fingers were like little prunes. That may not sound too sexy, but it made us both feel like a million dollars.

The following Random Personal Notes are based on this hot yoga experience…

.1. Yoga Etiquette: I understand that yoga is all about relaxing and finding a place of inner peace. That place of happiness is one that all of your colleagues in yoga class are also in search of…a search that is greatly hampered whenever you decide to fart. That’s right: fart. If it makes you blush to read it, imagine what it does to me while I’m sitting next to it, trying to find my inner happiness.

What might be more disturbing than the actual farting is the lack of reaction to the fart. No blushing, no giggling, not even a heartfelt ‘oops’; just a lot of other weirdo body sounds in response to said initial fart.

.2. When you decide to go to yoga class, please understand that not all attendees are as excited about seeing your sweaty hairy body as your wife of 12 years may be. Frankly, it’s bad enough that we are sweating through every part of our bodies, we don’t need to share in that experience with your hairy sweaty self.

Many a woman is as hairy as some men, and they have to keep that hair tucked underneath their shirts. Know that were you to see that, you would be mortified; a place we currently sit when staring at you in the 100+ mirrors in hot yoga class.

Note to you: Wear a shirt (and please stop farting).

.3. Please don’t eat blue cheese if you are heading to hot yoga class. The rest of us can smell you and no, we’re not hungry enough to eat a horse, let alone smell blue cheese off you.

Note to you: I love blue cheese.

.4. Really. Really, please stop moaning and groaning. It’s distracting and takes away from the flow of whatever zen might be trying to make its way into our hearts during that 1.5 hours.

.5. Note to boys: Please stop asking me if yoga is: (1) full of hot sexy girls, who are (2) doing “really interesting” poses. Most of the time, they are farting…and hairy. I refuse to keep your dream alive, sorry (there are internet sites that do that…but not this blog).

.6. Make certain to take one very large towel with you, which you should place on top of your mat. If you do not take this towel, you will slip and slide off said mat and smash into adjacent sweaty folks (who are, most likely hairy and without shirts).

Note to you: You are hot yoga-ing, not go-carting.

.7. In your sweaty bliss after class, do not sign anything. Before you know it, a van will pull up to your home, armed with really nice folks who are taking you on a retreat. Somewhere. In the woods. Where you’ll all be barefoot.

.8. Note to you: I love yoga. Really, I do.

Please feel free to peruse Female Canuck's most current problem at yoga....