I made it cry

I met a very happy and fat little baby this morning, the offspring of a colleague. I played with it a little and made it coo and laugh and giggle. Then I kissed the palm of its hand.

Approximately 6 seconds after this fatal kiss, the offspring began to wail and scream and stare at me as though I were Satan reincarnate. The colleague checked diapers, tried to give it food and even bounced it up and down (because offspring like to be bounced; A great name for a band, the 'Bouncing Offspring').

Perplexed, I walked away wondering whether this was a sign that I should not procreate and have offspring of my own, until I remembered what kind of lip-gloss I use...Du-Wop Lip Venom, gloss that heats the surface of anything it touches.

Having realised the kind of evil I unleashed on the offspring, I quietly took a tissue and soaked it in water, then went back and said to my colleague "Maybe she just needs to cool down" and I wiped her fat little offspring hands with the water-soaked tissue. She stopped crying, but am pretty sure she still hates me, this offspring.