Personal 'Closer' Notes

.1. Before I tell you about the film we saw last evening, I want you to take a look at this and let me know if you find it as odd as I. This is no joke; these are actual priests and this is the calendar they made.

Perhaps our sheiks would do the same, in an effort to better the PR that currently bogs them down, the poor souls. They can all be wearing different sized hats and coloured robes...walking down the street, pulling Americans out of disastrous and dangerous situations, one could even have a bubble that reads: "Allah bless America".

Note to self: Look into making that a sticker that folks can place on the back of their cars. Would make millions in Chicago alone!

Note to you: By virtue of me blogging that idea, it is copy written to me, asap (because it is dated), so I dare you to try and take that idea from me Remember: I do have a legal background.

.2. Jude Law is an attractive man...as is Clive Owen, but the film Closer was more than about being a pretty face; it was also about T & A, much thanks to Natalie Portman.

No, ok. It wasn't only about that, it was about how one can cheat and be unfaithful and be a creep and gross and sick and twisted and sleep with a whore and be an absolutely morally lacking individual yet (drum roll) remain really well dressed and be very pretty.

The movie was terrible. We were actually groaning near the end, the women behind us laughing every time one of the characters decided to tell the other (for the umpteenth time) that they cheated on them, or that they didn’t love them, or that they wanted them to make a cup of tea. Worst thing about this movie is that it glamorised to a great degree, the moral bankruptcy of these four characters, almost an affirmation that this sort of unfaithfulness is the norm, that it is acceptable and to be expected. But their moral bankruptcy was really twisted and severe, for they would (eventually) “tell the truth”. Honestly, had I been any of those characters, I would have opened a seriously massive can of whup-ass at several different intervals during the course of the film.

Weird that the men wanted to know the sickest details and all the women wanted was to leave. Clean break, if possible…which I would think it never is. But what of the languages the two sexes were speaking? The women were talking a completely different language than the men and this was really disturbing to watch.

And what is with stripping? Do they do the sorts of things that Natalie Portman was doing? And how? For everyone? Wow. Also, when did Cirque du Soleil start taking its clothes off? And frankly, there is no way that a stripper would be wearing La Perla and Lejaby – which she was wearing. Absolutely not to throw these exquisite pieces of lingerie on to dirty perverted men in suits and ties.

The film disturbed me immensely; and anyone who thinks this an honest depiction of reality and relationships, should really re-evaluate their perspectives on men and women and when it was that the stupids started behaving like brutes and animals….and more importantly, when it was that as a society, it became the norm.

And the worst part is that this movie had no linear message, no message at all, in fact. Here are the messages I heard:
Sex is unrelated to love.
No, wait. Sex is related to love and can only mean something if two people are in love.
No. Not really.
Just joking on that one.
But seriously, no matter what you do, it’s okay to have sex with a prostitute because no one will ever bring it up again.
And please: be explicit when you describe how you cheated on me.
Better yet, videotape it so I can watch it over and over and over again.
And if you must, cheat on me in my own home.
And make certain to do it on the nicest piece of furniture we have.
And art is nothing but a bunch of lies.
But so are we.
Touch my face and I will love you.
Lie to me, and all will be well.
But I hate you.
And I am leaving you because I don’t love you anymore.
Though I loved you, and lied to you about my real name.
Being naked is the only form of “real”.
And piss off already, because my wig has more character than you do.
And the grass is always greener.
But not really.

In all fairness, there was one truth: Before one cheats, before one makes that move to cross that line, there is a moment. There is one final moment, your last grace, that you can either ignore or respect. In this instance, it was Jude who said “Come here”. That was the moment and that was the catalyst. Interestingly enough, it was the one who initiated this moment, who was the first to cross that line that was the ultimate loser.

.3. Dumb. Stupid. Useless. Nonsense. Don’t waste your time; watch Love Actually instead, or porn if you must. Really.

.4. If Closer is any indication of reality, I prefer my bubble world filled with romance and flowers and a little heartache, but an honest heartache and not one born of defilement and deviance and absolute disrespect for the person you choose to commit to.

.5. Yes: Am being judgemental. This is my blog; deal with it.

.6. Jude Law is really hairy.

.7. If you are a man and you wish to pursue me, pay very close attention to the following: A man is someone who is not scared to commit, recognizing fully well that there will always be temptation (a smart woman will also see this). Strength of character rests in the reality that you will keep it in your god damn pants. Otherwise, you’re just a beast, without the faculty to recognise right from wrong, and do the right thing.

It takes strength to commit and to remain commited; if you can't hack it, you don't deserve a woman like me.

.8. Yes: Am being judgemental. This is my life; deal with it.

.9. Promise to be much more upbeat tomorrow (really).