Was I Flippant Toward You? (I Lied!)
I recently denied something of myself; I behaved and pretended as though I were flippant, when in fact, I have never possessed the capacity to be superficial about any emotion experienced…real and immediate, or the potential of.
I have always been crazed with the necessity to appear strong and unbreakable; anything but the reality of me, which is vulnerable (a characteristic that’s only ever been recognized by one individual).
I don’t – nor do I want to – have the ability of living a life of moderation; feeling in moderation, wanting in moderation, loving and hating in moderation. These things don’t become me; I prefer and find pleasure in the tension brought into my life by excessive emotion. I would feel too much and hurt too much, rather than wallow in the numbness of feeling only a little.
The situation I faced was unique for many reasons and on many levels...not least of all, the player involved. This time, unlike any other time, I chose protection and so made flippancy the veil behind which I hid.
& frankly, it doesn’t matter - nor do I care - how the other party felt, if anything at all. I’m enough of a narcissist not to give a shit.
More melodrama tomorrow! (Not really…I’ll spare you the agony of my terrible grammar.)
I have always been crazed with the necessity to appear strong and unbreakable; anything but the reality of me, which is vulnerable (a characteristic that’s only ever been recognized by one individual).
I don’t – nor do I want to – have the ability of living a life of moderation; feeling in moderation, wanting in moderation, loving and hating in moderation. These things don’t become me; I prefer and find pleasure in the tension brought into my life by excessive emotion. I would feel too much and hurt too much, rather than wallow in the numbness of feeling only a little.
The situation I faced was unique for many reasons and on many levels...not least of all, the player involved. This time, unlike any other time, I chose protection and so made flippancy the veil behind which I hid.
& frankly, it doesn’t matter - nor do I care - how the other party felt, if anything at all. I’m enough of a narcissist not to give a shit.
More melodrama tomorrow! (Not really…I’ll spare you the agony of my terrible grammar.)
Labels: Relationships
posted by just a girl at 9:57 PM
5 Comments:
& frankly, it doesn’t matter - nor do I care - how the other party felt, if anything at all. I’m enough of a narcissist not to give a shit.
You're lucky, then. I wish I could learn how to experience the rush of love or emotion, without necessarily *having to have* the reactive emotion from others! I need to learn that...
XO
Espy
I don't know Espy -- to be quite honest with you, I think your way is safer and keeps your heart in check and much more intact...at least...much more so than what I recently experienced.
Trust me when I say that it's no fun being shredded on the inside, and that's the only way to describe it: *shredded*. It's worse when you haven't a clue as to what the other individual may have felt / is thinking / or whether they've even *bothered* to give it a second thought or were just in the moment. Remember that line from Fleetwood Mac: Players only love you when they're playin'.
It's not that I don't care or that I don't *wish* to know about the other person's feelings / thoughts...cus I can tell you that 75% of the reason am shredded is because I haven't got a CLUE as to what thoughts passed / are in this person's mind...if any ever were at all...
xo
m
and p.s. although I don't know...not knowing doesn't diminish what I feel.
Clear as mud ;)
m
I think you're a very feeling person, and I think that if everyone had your sentiments, paired with your smarts, it would be a much more beautiful world.
XO Espy
Wow, Espy, I am...sort of...I don't...THANK YOU.
Thank you. You're making me sniffle.
Tony Curran is one lucky man to have you for an admirer!
m xo
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