How to meet a boy

If interested in meeting a boy, I strongly urge you to use one of my two favourite tactics:
a) Throw something at him; or,
b) Spill something all over yourself.

I recently received the phone numbers of two men, both of which I threw out, but it was still fun to receive their numbers (and a wee bit humiliating, but I’ll get to that in a second).

Both of these incidents occurred in a shopping zone, the first took place inside of a store, whereas the second unfolded on the escalator.

.1. I was in the same card store as the first boy. He was really really pretty (really) and he had this fantastic Parisian accent. I don’t know how we started chatting, but he asked me something and I responded. It was a blur because of what I did next.

Wearing a white button down shirt, I was drinking chocolate milk (moo).

After I responded to his question, he commented on my ring, telling me he thought it was ‘beautiful’ (you all now think he’s gay & that’s okay with me). I thanked him and decided that this was the appropriate moment to drink some more chocolate milk. I was just that thirsty.

I must have done this too quickly, because I put the chocolate milk to my lips and tipped it back, and then all of a sudden, it was all over my face. Well. Not my entire face, like, not my nose and eyes, or anything. Just my mouth, neck and white shirt.

I have a tendency to be slightly delusional and so I thought to myself ’Maybe he didn’t notice’. And so, as casually as possible, I pulled the chocolate milk container away and smiled at him.

He must have thought I was some kind of handicap.

He pulled out a handkerchief and handed it to me.

I fumbled my way through thanks and laughed at my clumsiness…and then he told me I was charming (this must be French for ‘retarded’) and gave me his number, should I be interested in having ‘chocolate meelk wiz me sum ozer tayme.’

I threw out the number and went home to take a shower.

.2. This was slightly more recent. I was on the escalator heading down. There was a man a few steps ahead and below me.

I was headed out to my car and so was holding on to my car keys in my left hand, had my mobile in my right hand and was trying to fish something out of my purse with both.

My keychain is a gorgeous (& very heavy) silver ball; a very special gift. Anyway, as I had my head buried in my purse, I accidentally flicked my hand up and propelled the large silver ball at the gentleman on the stairs below.

I couldn’t have planned it any better; my keychain smashed him in the back of the head. I almost passed out.

I stood there, completely immobilised, staring at the keychain as it flew through the air in slow motion, ending its journey by ricocheting off this man’s head. I was terrified of what it could have done and what his reaction was going to be.

I must have had my mouth open when he turned around because he smiled at me and so I took that as an immediate ‘I’m ok’ signal.

I laughed and walked down the escalator (we were near the bottom), asked him if he was okay and apologised profusely, then made the following stupid remark “I was just trying to get your attention.”

I grabbed my keys, apologised again and started to walk away. A few moments later, I found him walking next to me and saying something clever like “Instead of maiming me, all you needed to do was say hello,” and he handed me a business card.

I must admit, this was very smooth. But. I chucked the card on my way to the car so it couldn’t have been that smooth…