16
2005
Walking down the hall just moments ago a colleague who passed me said: Maha! I have to tell you, it’s so nice to see you smiling!
Suddenly, it hit me. I knew it, and I acknowledged it, I just didn’t think others had. The only way to describe it would be to write that: I have been a shadow of my true self for the past month (and for the two months prior to that, but not quite as painful or as obvious). And I don’t like that. I didn’t know I possessed the capacity to be such a person, but…we all learn and we all change and we all morph as the days and the years pass.
Only recently have I started feeling like I am stepping away from that shadow and back in to me. I guess that too is starting to show.
And as I type this out, know that I’m smiling, and that writing has been a source of much solace for me…
1 Comment until now
On July 13th, 2011
One Female Canuck Said:
4 Comments:
Mo said…
I too have walked through the valley of the shadow of myself. Thank God I had good friends to keep my spirits up or I wouldn’t have come through the other side with my sanity intact.
I love your smile.
Sat Dec 17, 01:30:00 AM
just a girl said…
Mo — It’s strange isn’t it…what small experiences and our minds can do to our spirits. I find that the more creative people are much more inclined to this sort of sadness…
And depending on the situation, you can be completely filled with sadness – as was the case with me – leaving me lethargic & crying for absolutely no reason, none… I didn’t understand it, and I still sort of don’t, but I’m dealing, slowly, slowly, slowly, and at least the sadness is nearly gone. There was what felt like a pit in my stomach for the past maybe month, just completely filled with this emptiness and I had to remind myself to breathe.
I don’t know, I guess the bottom line is that even when people we love and cherish die, we eventually move on; and so the solace in that is our minds are capable of immense things. And regardless of what the trauma / tragedy is that brings on the sadness and want for isolation, it too eventually becomes a memory…hopefully, even a good one.
I love your smile too, darlin’ 
m xo
Sat Dec 17, 09:56:00 AM
just a girl said…
leaving me lethargic & crying for absolutely no reason, none…
Actually…that’s not quite true. I knew exactly why I was crying. I think it’s more clear to write: I couldn’t stop crying, no matter what I did. I just couldn’t stop, and I would start crying at the strangest moments. But, I knew exactly why I was crying; there was a definite cause.
& yes…thank God for girlfriends. Thank GOD for ‘em.
m xo
Sat Dec 17, 10:02:00 AM
Lisa said…
Awww, *huggles* girl. Been there too. I describe it as ‘someone hip-chucked my aura’.
Friends, chocolate, flannel jammies, and trashy B movies help…and making funny faces at yourself in the mirror.
Sorry you had to wade through the sludge for a month or so. Let me know next time. I’ll lend you my hip-waders. 
L
Sun Jan 01, 12:16:00 PM
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