Gerry Butler vs Bob

My friend Sim Sim has dropped in and asked me a question re the measure of female fantasy. That he would think I can provide an answer to female anything flatters me. And I don’t mean that in The Crying Game sense, but rather in the ‘no one should take anything I say seriously’ sense.

Anyway. In the comments section of Meet Tyler Durden, Sami asked: "I got a question for you, well maybe something for all women in general. I find, in my experience, that most women refer to fictional characters, movies and books, when describing their dream boys, why is that?

It is rarely that names out of reality are referred to when talking about their tall, dark and handsome. Is it the fantasy factor again? Or is it more the packages on TV and the movies are sexier than reality? "

Again, please understand that my response is solely my own > I would love it if you all weighed in and provided your own perspectives on this issue.

(1) Why do women refer to fictional characters when describing their dream boy?
(a) The short personal answer is: When talking to a general audience it's much easier to tap into the Tyler Durden than it is to one of the two men I know personally. If I were to have written about either of the two men I reference, the reality is that no one on this blog knows them. They may have a general idea of one of them...but not on a personal level. And so, I chose to instead discuss a character in popular culture and to whom others may recognise / understand / relate.

(b) The more deep-rooted answer is: The reason I’m using the Tyler Durden character to describe one facet of my ideal mate is because I’m still single. I am a foolishly hopeless romantic and have deluded myself into believing that once I am firmly entrenched in a relationship, I will look at my significant other and think him my ideal. Always. And forever.

At that point, my writing would be along the lines of “…and my gorgeous alpha male husband…” or “H.O.T. = my husband” or “…my husband can kick your husband’s ass. Nya! Nya!” You get the point…

The bottom line is I’ve still not found what I’m looking for (thanks Bono!). In my mind’s eye, I have the measure of the man I want to hand myself over to. Referencing a character from a book or a movie provides some sense of tangibility.

When married, I will still reference general characters when speaking to an audience of people who know nothing about my partner; but in my head and heart, he is it. If he’s not, then I’ll walk. Actually, I just won’t get involved to begin with…

Clear as mud? Now, let’s get to the heart of the question…

(2) ...is film / the fantasy sexier than reality?

First, it’s critical we define fantasy because I believe there is a chasm between how men and women define this term. Men and women speak different languages and think in different ways. I think the trick is to bridge that gap without judging one another (or perceiving it as a threat to the femininity / masculinity of each another).

I’ve had this discussion with my male friends and asked “…do you fantasize?” The most honest answer I received was “Nah. We just masturbate. And besides. Why fixate on something that’s not real. If I can’t do it, I don’t want to think about it.”

Most of the women I know both believe and give in to the indulgence of fantasy. We define fantasy as an extension of our own reality. It’s our lives on steroids, magic mushrooms, heroin and cocaine. In fantasy, there is no disease, vice or regulation to possibility.

Is this because men and women are hardwired differently (nature)? Is it because men have been taught that nothing is beyond their reach, while societal constraints are placed on women (nurture)? I don’t know…but there’s probably some study out there that discusses this, just like there’s men out there who imagine the impossible, for the sheer pleasure of imagination.

Also, it is important to note that ‘fantasy’ is not just about the potential sexuality in any imagined situation, but rather the heightened super-human perfection of the self. And so ‘fantasy’ means being the world’s best writer, funniest comedienne, prettiest girl, the fourth member of The Power Puff Girls, kindest soul, fastest runner, sharpest strategist, strongest opponent, most vulnerable female, Oscar winning actress, rock-your-world girlfriend, prettiest crier, most nurturing mum, bestest friend in the whole wide world, able to leap over buildings, etc.

Not to mention the different layers of fantasy: (1) Fantasy With Potential (e.g. I want to walk on the moon); and, (2) Fantasy Without Potential (e.g. I want to leap over tall buildings).

But the original question posed fixates on the more illicit part of fantasy, and it is on that subject that I will offer my $0.02.

So my answer to your question is…
Yes: Film & fantasy are sexier than reality. Hence why we call it 'fantasy'.

Tyler Durden was hyper reality. His testosterone-driven character was slammed into two hours of testosterone-shot film. Tyler’s never bought me flowers. Or called me. Or asked me out to dinner. Because Tyler’s not real.

He is a figment of someone’s imagination, but for short moments in time, he becomes a part of my life and on to which I project what I want.

Note: I’m not fantasizing about Brad Pitt, the man, but rather Tyler Durden, the embodiment of certain characteristics.

But sometimes, there is fantasy around a certain actor / actress (which is: Fantasy Without Potential).

Let’s return to Gerry Butler and his leather speedo. Before meeting Gerry Butler, I thought he was a fox. I based that solely on my perception of what his PR people allowed him to show his audience. After I met him, I confirmed that he was a fox. But now that the restraining order has been issued, I’ll never really know.

Wait. What?

Sorry. Erm. Back to my point…
You lose yourself in fantasy when you’re bored and when there’s nothing in reality that can hold your attention or peak your interest. But that shouldn’t be perceived as a threat to the masculinity of real guys.

Meaning (& again I speak for myself here): While allowing ourselves the room for fantasy, that does not take away from the magic of a man in reality. Ergo, if I am sitting around thinking about Gerry Butler, and the man of my dreams asks me out for coffee out of the blue…Gerry Butler’s gone, baby. He’s history. Unless, of course, Gerry Butler’s the one asking me out for coffee (don’t laugh! ‘Tis a distinct possibility!).

What I’m getting at is that there’s nothing wrong with fantasy, so long as one understands it is just that. I’ll go so far as to say that Fantasy With Potential is an excellent thing and can serve as a driving force for people. But Fantasy Without Potential can be very damaging when the individual fantasizing confuses reality with fantasy and announces to his wife that he’s ”flying out to Tokyo where Angelina Jolie’s shooting a movie. I want to give it a chance because I think there’s a real possibility of us working out.”

And after years of marriage…Fantasy Without Potential will be inevitable. Chances are not in the first few years when the two are still gaga over one another and not even Gerry Butler in a leather speedo can rip your thoughts away from your man, but definitely later…just take a peek at all of the message boards about male celebrities out there. I would guess that most of the dedicated and heavy posters are either really young or have been married for years…

Better Gerry Butler (Fantasy Without Potential) than Bob from the office (Fantasy With Potential).

Can a couple of 37 years avoid this? Maybe...and I'll blog about that in about 40 years from now (I promise!).

Aside: Find it difficult to call him "Gerry", and must reference him as Gerry Butler...
...I hope that answers your questions.