No 11: Funnies are a must

A few funny stories to tell, in order to keep with the spirit of my usual blogging.

Special Guest
Friday evening was a long one. Four of us got to sleep at approximately 4:45 am, and two of us had to be awake by 8 am. I was of the lucky who didn’t roll out of bed before 12:55 pm.

We all breakfast together in the mornings and so I rang my colleague , who has been nicknamed ‘Man-Boy’ because he’s sort of an adult, but not really. Hands down, he’s one of the funniest people I’ve ever met and has a beautiful girlfriend with whom I hit it off immediately.

So I rang Man-Boy and we met in the lobby for ‘breakfast’ (cream of mushroom soup & coffee). He owed me a wee bit of money so covered my tab. By that time, all of our other colleagues were out being productive and touristy. We decided to go bathing suit shopping and come back to the pool to lay around like large carrots.

The visual was as thus:
– We had breakfast together
– We left the hotel together
– We came back together
– We hung out at the pool together

…What the hotel staff couldn’t hear was that Man-Boy called his girlfriend and chit chatted with her about the evening prior and the mushroom soup.

Later that evening, Man-Boy, two other colleagues and I dined together before we all said goodnight and went up to our rooms (I was in bed by 9:30; more on this to come, in terms of “The porno that was being shot next to my room”).

Scene Two: Sunday morning, I am in the elevator on my way down to breakfast when the elevator stops, the door opens and in walks Man-Boy also headed down for breakfast.

We walked into the breakfast area together and sat with the rest of our colleagues. I finished before anyone else because I really wanted to get some exercise and sun at the pool, I left and didn’t think twice. I made the unfortunate assumption that the hotel staff who’d seen me around for two days instinctively knew I was a guest. In a room. All Alone.

Until it was time for Man-Boy to leave the breakfast area, at which point he was being hassled to pay my bill (for guests it is a part of your rooming cost), because they thought I was his “special guest”, and they weren’t all that discreet about it. He had to talk them through the two days past for a good 10 minutes until they believed him.

I love that he had to defend absolutely nothing and in the presence of two colleagues who knew exactly what was happening but let Man-Boy take the fall because it was fun for them to watch.

When I went down for breakfast this morning, I walked over to our waiter and explained that we were colleagues and I was staying alone in room xyz. He blushed and flustered his way through an apology; which is as close to retribution as either Man-Boy or myself will reach.

The porno that was being shot next to my room
Recall that on Saturday evening, I was in bed at 9:30 pm. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to sleep until well past 11:30 pm because there was a woman dying in the hotel room next to me.

For two hours straight, this woman was having – what one can only label – performance sex, during which she was wailing and screaming and crying out at the top of her lungs. And strong lungs they were.

I couldn’t tell you if it was only one woman who kept going for the two hours, or if it was two women who just tag-teamed the guy WHO MUST HAVE BEEN PAYING for that kind of noise. Because: COME ON!

At one point, I stepped out on to my balcony because I thought she was outside on the adjacent balcony; I couldn’t fathom that all of that noise was coming through concrete walls, that’s just how loud she was. But no, she wasn’t on a balcony…and if I was a different person, I would have found their (I assume it was more than one, because that kind of noise is. Just. Why? Alone? I don’t think so) room and knocked and asked them to simmer the fuck down. But who am I to ruin someone’s fun? I just waited it out and pretended to be directing a comedic porno to the sounds. That was a first. And not at all sexy. But absolutely hilarious; I love that I’m my own best stand-up comic.

You’re not going to believe this…
But I’ve not tripped once since arriving in Lebanon.