No. 4: Plans foiled & annoying slimy guy

Am safe and in Lebanon; will tell you about my two drunk helicopter pilots later, inshallah. What's below is a little out of sequence; I wrote this while in Frankfurt approx 24 hours ago. Note: I'm taking pictures and will try and post them soon.

At the moment, these dispatches may not be what you’re expecting from a chick potentially headed into any war zone. But for the love of all things pretty and smelling fresh, allow me to indulge in the superficial until am forced to deal with the disaster into which I am heading.

Currently seated at the Haagen-Dazs in Terminal 1 of the Frankfurt airport, I am drinking my café latte and going over the means devised (& failed) whereby the end result would have seen me running through the gates of Larnaca airport holding a tube of mascara high above my head.

Much like the terrorist plot, both of my mascara purchasing plans were foiled. I had sat on the plane ogling the two dimensional Lancome Hypnose mascara as it rested between the pages of the duty free magazine. The plan was simple; I would purchase new mascara and eat it; this way, I would screw the system as they’d never be able to take it away from me. Trust me, I know how to stick it to the man.

No?

Well, how about I just purchase it and take it with me to Larnaca?

Sounds better, doesn’t it?

Only…the Captain informed us that due to “Security reasons, you can no longer be pretty or smell nice and for this reason, we are not going to sell you any liquids via duty free, this includes mascara, even though mascara’s not a liquid per se, but we don’t really have a clue because ‘we’ – those of us who made the decision to take away your mascara – are all men. Trust me, you’ll hear us complaining about how you don’t look good in a very short period of time (exactly: at the moment we actively choose to forget that we confiscated your wand of terror). But let’s focus on the good news: You were allowed to bring on board your tweezers and all sharp objects! Isn’t that awesome? ‘We’ also made that decision because we’re just that smart like that. Ha ha ha. Joke’s on you Mr. Terrorist! Ha ha ha. I love getting paid as much as I do to maybe crash and kill this entire plane if I fall asleep or get food poisoning. Ha ha ha.” Only it came out as thus: “Due to security reasons, we are not selling duty free items on this flight. Sucks to be you,” or some such shit.

Plan no 2, also foiled: There is a physical lockdown of all liquids sold in the Ottawa international airport, Toronto’s Pearson airport & Frankfurt airport. Items considered either liquid or gel have been pulled from the shelves and locked into the backrooms (I asked), and where there are liquids such as drinking juices and soda, padlocks have been placed on the refrigerators. Believe me when I tell you that I was lucky to get a latte.

Although I remain without mascara, I now have lip balm and a small tube of toothpaste courtesy of Super Duper Elite Class, which is exactly what they call it on my ticket. I also now hold face wash and face cream, two items I don’t use; soap suffices for this girl and cream on my face makes me claustrophobic.

Until next time…