On Buying A Bra

This may appear to be an inappropriate topic for Ramadan, but I have to do this for the greater Sisterhood.

Precursor: For a little over five years, I was the manager of the most expensive lingerie boutique in Ottawa (if we didn’t carry it we’d order it for you, or you had to get to Montreal). We carried only the best lines, consisting of Aubade, Chantelle, and Lejaby. A regular bra sold within the range of $120 - $175, panties & tangas upwards of $75. I was spoiled then and I continue to be so today with respect to my undergarments; last bra I purchased was a Rigby & Peller that cost over $200.

Having said that, I’ll also let you know that I worked at that lingerie boutique between the ages of 18 to 23. Every single piece purchased then is still in top form today. With these, you really do pay for quality.

Did you know that an excellent bra is made up of over 120 small pieces? Maybe that sort of ammunition will make you pay a little more attention to the item which holds the most precious part of you where men are concerned.

Today at lunch I strolled over to my local shopping centre where I made the horrendous mistake of walking into a lingerie shop (it’s not a boutique when they sell shit). I was dismayed by what I found.

And terrorised by what I saw behind the counter. The salesgirl was wearing a low cut v-neck blouse with an ill-fitting bra. I stood still staring at her for a good three minutes contemplating the trauma she was unleashing on this world.

There are other problems we must contend with like war in the Middle East, famine, poverty, the concept of globalization, Ricky Martin and natural disasters. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but trust me, as a woman, you need to pay attention…if not for your sake, then for the sake of the Sisterhood.

Before I give you my top ten tips for choosing the proper bra, let me provide a small preface wherein I acknowledge that there is no magic size, but rather that every bra and every material may mean that you will need a different size. Any salesperson who tries to tell you otherwise is an idiot who knows nothing about either a woman’s body or the delicate make up of an excellent bra.

Notwithstanding the alien constructs glued to Pam Anderson & Posh I’m-Married-To-The-Fey-King Beckham, there are for the most part two sort of natural breasts. These represent my sad pathetic attempt to illustrate them:



Whereas ‘A’ looks best in a demi horizontal cup (usually called a ‘balcony’ or a ‘half-cup’ bra), ‘B’ looks best in a demi diagonal cup (usually called a ‘plunge’ bra). The reason this is so is because the different bras highlight the best in the different types of breasts. Say that really fast ten times.

With ‘A’, you should be working on creating cleavage that looks as though it fell out of Hugo’s Les Liaisons Dangereuses, whereas with ‘B’ breasts, you really should be working on creating a more plunging neckline feel, one best suited for the days when you’re more inclined to unbuttoning a few more buttons, you hussy.

Ten Tips For Bra Shopping
.1. Take your best friend, because she will tell you when your breasts are falling a little too close to your armpits.
.2. Bring a tight t-shirt with you. When you’ve tried the bra on, wear your t-shirt over it and make sure you like what you see.
.3. The wire of your bra should never poke you in the armpit. If it is, then you’re wearing the wrong cup size.
.4. There should be no ‘extra’ material in the cup. This means there should be no puckering in the cup. Instead, the cup should be stretched perfectly across your breast.
.5. The band of the bra (the 32”, 34”, 36” measurement) should sit at the tiniest part of your back, the area directly beneath your breasts. It should wrap around your body evenly and so where it sits in the front is exactly where it should sit in the back. If the back of your bra crawls up toward your neck, it means you need to try a size smaller band.
.6. One breast will be mm larger than the other, making a huge diffrence, and so when trying on the bra keep this in mind and adjust the straps accordingly.
.7. Move around. Life your arms, move them over your head, bend over; make sure you’re comfortable in the bra.
.8. Your wire should sit completely flat against your rib cage. NOT ONE PART OF IT should be cutting into ANY part of your breast. The wire is supposed to “cup” your breast, (hence why it’s called an A, B, C, D, etc “cup”). If it’s cutting into your breast, you’re wearing the wrong size.
.9. When you try on a bra, the band should be snug around your ribcage. You should buckle it on the loosest hook and your straps should be at their middle point as well. Like anything made of material, your bra will give with time, and this must be taken into account when you make your purchase.
.10. If it comes in a box, just don’t bother coming back to my blog. You need to buy yourself one bra that’s hanging on a hanger. Just once in this lifetime indulge yourself and you’ll understand my fetish.

And here's a free bit of advice: Never let a man loose to buy you a bra on his own. Teddies, panties, garters, tangas, ok, but for the love of God, not a bra. If he must, then you have to accompany him in order to ensure it's the proper fit, because remember: There is no such thing as a magic size!

Now. Back to world order, peace and humanism, please.