Blue Days outed

I figured out that my first ever real & true Blue Day wasn’t in March but rather in December of 2005. My writing then was much more sporadic and without the usual comedic overtures. When I wasn’t at work, I was at home. I refused to talk about what was happening (partially because I didn’t know what I’d say other than: “I’m sad”) and it took a lot to get me out of the house for a solid month or two. Things climaxed when my best friend called me crying because she didn’t know what to do about ‘me’ and couldn’t understand why I wanted to be left so completely alone by everyone. I asked her to simply support me through it because the last thing I needed to deal with at that moment was the guilt of pushing people away. She did.

There were a lot of factors to contend with and which led up to that tiny little time in my life. I had just turned 31, I was unhappy with my surroundings, I was unhappy at the office, I wanted out, an escape, a different life, a different everything, really. The catalyst was a Man Boy; I’d spent seven years prior keeping myself safe and my heart in my hands, closed. I chose to open my hands up a little bit and to let go of that safety net; for all of the wonderful and incredible moments experienced within that freedom, I experienced its equal in grief.

Within a moment, everything exploded all over me & my life and it was all just so sticky and impossible to wash off quickly. And so I cocooned. I went into myself and shut everyone out including my family. I needed to change something inside of me before I could address my environment; both of these I eventually did.

With equal vigor and quickness, it was all gone; One afternoon, all of my grief just lifted up and away from me. I wasn’t myself, but rather, I was someone inherently better, more secure, confident, together and aware.

This time as with last, there are a multitude of factors creating the foundations of this Blue Day, many of which are similar to last year (e.g. the same Man Boy) and some that are not (e.g. yet another Boy & my time in Beirut). So, whereas last year I chose to wallow in whatever it was that was holding me in, this year, I’ve decided that won’t be the case. It simply can’t be; being a different person than who I was last year dictates that I am to deal with a situation differently.

So I’ve been going long and hard every single night and I don’t plan on stopping until I either completely burn out, or I’m seeing pink again. I figure that at this point in my 31 years, I should try a new route on for size. So far, so good, because it’s allowed me to avoid dealing with the roots of Blue Day, and the longer I can put that off, the happier I am. If there is blowback to my chosen course, it may not be so great, but at this point I couldn’t care less. And ultimately, the last thing I want to be is alone right now…so my friends are seeing a lot of me and for this, I am grateful.

Having written that and before moving on, I have to say ‘Alhamdulilah’ for every single thing placed in my path, no matter how blue or pink that may make my day.