GOLD, Maha. Pure Gold. I have a hard time believing you could be so wise to Mr. Assh–er, Adjective, seeing as you’re a freaking genius, but MY GOD, you just described the man who nearly ruined my life. I’m still recovering, in fact, but by Gum, he’s a bigger loser now than he was when I fell in his trap.

XOXOXOX

Sun Oct 22, 04:10:00 PM
just a girl said…
hey Espy. Jeesus, I came on here to find out who that FREAK was that posted that really bizarre comment above yours, but it appears he deleted it, *pedophile paul*. I hope he’s not one of the c*ck ninjas, because they’re a nice group and he’d sort of be: Not.

And to pedophile paul: Thanks for thinking me pretty. (that’s all I’ll take from his post, for my own sanity.)

C*ck Ninjas does he belong to you?

As for the actual blog entry, doll…I don’t really know what to tell you except that every girl has got a Mr. Adjective. I was lucky to have kept my eyes open, I think, because of the nature of the boy in question. But even with the guy who I choose to believe, I *still* really really held him at arm’s length. Just to be safe. Most other women would have not; most other women don’t, actually.

I just think I’ve been surrounded by an army of angels. It’s really important for women to watch it, and pay very very very close attention to the man in front of us. For the most part, we’re pretty intuitive when we have our guard up; and that guard can be up without the man in front of you being aware of it being up (that’s the trick ;O)).

I’m sorry you had to go through that, but I can’t imagine it was any fun at all

hugs,
m

Sun Oct 22, 04:25:00 PM
Mirtika said…
What a fricken brilliant “type” analysis. YOu need to write a chick lit novel TODAY…

Mir

Mon Oct 23, 11:44:00 AM
Lisa said…
I probably would have been vulnerable to Mr Adjective when I was younger because the men in life then were unable to form the words that would constitute a compliment.

Now that I’m older (not necessarily wiser) I’d be in one of 3 camps depending on the day.
1. My esteem is having a bad day and there’s no way I could believe his words so I write him off as an idiot.
2. My esteem is having a good day and I feel it’s an insult if anyone refers to me as fragile or in need of protection or I’m anything like a dove with a wounded wing.
3. I’m PMSing and hate men and crush any man who thinks they have an ‘in’ with a line like “you’re too beautiful to be unhappy”.

…I guess that’s why I haven’t had many intimate relationships. LOL.

Mon Oct 23, 01:04:00 PM
Ella the Spy said…
Well-said. You’re a lot stronger than I–probably a lot more confident and DEFINITELY smarter! Even with my own army of angels, I chose to let Mr. A gratify himself until I had lost my self-esteem, my job, and my place in the city I loved.

It’s behind me, but I won’t forget it. So glad you wrote this, because I think the people who read you regularly, or who are lucky enough to stumble upon this blog, find reason to trust you soon enough, and to see that you aren’t about bullshit. You’re a straight-talker and you make loads of sense, and you do so without being condescending or unfeeling. That’s the kind of blog I feel proud to read.

OK, I know that sounds like brown-nosing, but it really isn’t, I promise.

xo

Mon Oct 23, 02:39:00 PM
Anonymous said…
This is also the perfect description of someone I know.
It’s interesting that pretty much everyone has had a Mr.A experience. You’d think they’d get weeded out by natural selection or something, but somehow they’re always around and abundant! Does that mean they’re doing something right, or just that Mr.A changes over time when he realizes his inability to have a meaningful relationship with someone who’s worth it…?

Sarah

Mon Oct 23, 05:35:00 PM
maria calvo said…
Oh my god you’re my FUCKING hero for writing this! I’ve had one too many Mr. Adjectives and it’s probably because I REALLY REALLY want to believe them ‘cus they’re so hot, Maha.

I’m sending this link to every fucking woman I know and telling them to use it like a shield.

maria

Mon Oct 23, 05:49:00 PM
Anjum said…
I have come across a Mr. Adjective or two.. they weren’t quite so malicious in their intent as you portray (maybe there were, and I just didn’t stick around long enough to see it *shrug*) but good write-up anyway..

Mon Oct 23, 05:54:00 PM
Anjum said…
OH! and Eid mubarak =) I hope your Ramadan and Eid are heart-warming..

Mon Oct 23, 05:57:00 PM
just a girl said…
Mirtika, thank you very much
I don’t even know where to begin, were I to actually write one…

Sarah, jees that’s a good question. I don’t know what it is, and can’t think of anything more than the sheer simplicity of their game: evoking that imagery on *behalf* of the woman in question. I believe in the hunter/gatherer theory and so long as that exists, this game will be a viable one for men. And so will the ‘I am a damsel in distress and I need a big strong man to save me and you’re the only one who can do it because you are so special and diffrent to me’ routine of Ms. Player. Dunno if that makes any sense…

Lisa, LOL! Brilliant!

Ella. Argh. You always leave me at a loss for words

That is absolutely terrible about your Mr. Adjective. Wow. Bet you’re a better woman for it, though, right? I mean, we all learn from our biggest mistakes and these situations tend to be relatively definitive in our lives as women. We sort of have Mr. Adjective to thank for that (more so ourselves, though…)

& Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

& I try not to bullshit people around me, but have often times caught myself bullshitting me. Which may be worse.

Maria, you CAN believe them, for your own ego…but not FALLING for them is the key. If you want to enjoy it for the sheer enjoyment of it, then more power to you. Just don’t delude yourself, is all

And remember: you are all those things and much more!

Anjum, you’re smart to walk away so quickly…and a Eid mubarak to you as well!
As for the intent of malice; the only ones NOT intent on that are the ones who come after you once they’ve succesfully seduced you (and this isn’t about our ego, but rather about the limits to that game of seduction).

Mon Oct 23, 06:35:00 PM
just a girl said…
oh, that was me: Maha.

xox
m

Mon Oct 23, 06:35:00 PM
Sami said…
But I think you missed one type of women in your commentary. I think there is a type that knows that she is dealing with “Mr. Adjective” but hoping to change, reshape or reform him and make this relationship works.

Men are very transparent even “Mr. Adjective” to their intentions; women do not need to look hard even. It is what women want to believe or hope to get out of an encounter that can cause what you describe as devastated fallout.

No??? ok now holster your guns and take it easy

Tue Oct 24, 03:52:00 PM
michelle said…
ah, yes. replace the manwhore analogy you have going here with a workaholic one and we have about where I was.

this:

If he wanted you, he would have come after you and nothing in the world could have gotten in his way.

is exactly where I drew the line.

Tue Oct 24, 11:22:00 PM
just a girl said…
“…but hoping to change, reshape or reform him and make this relationship works. ”

You’re totally correct >> these women are idiots because this man doesn’t change because a woman wants him to change. Instead, he changes because he’s met a woman for whom he wants to change.

My guns are still comfortably in their holsters; maybe some of the other women will kick your bum…but today, I agree with you 100%, Sami!

Now…with respect to this little gem, ya Sami:
“It is what women want to believe or hope to get out of an encounter that can cause what you describe as devastated fallout.”
Women will tell you that most men have zero communication skills and so there is no “transparency”. And love, it takes two to tango >> Mr. Adjective is actively manipulating women…it’s like falling victim to a scheme of fraud and then blaming the victim for doing so, n’est pas? It’s not entirely the fault of one or the other…and what’s wrong with wanting to hope for something longer than a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am?

Over to you…and I am a little flaky tonight, tired and not too incoherent, sorry

And Michelle, I am happy you got out when you did. Is this the very boy who you wrote to me about a while back?? A workaholic, eh. That sucks…better that than a bar star, my friend.

xoxoxo
m

Wed Oct 25, 12:22:00 AM
just a girl said…
sorry. i mean >> “not too coherent”. See, am exhausted. Yalla, night!

xoxo
m

Wed Oct 25, 12:23:00 AM
Sami said…
Btw, I am with you that “Mr. adjective” exists and does manipulate feelings, buy my argument is he is easy to spot and easy to avoid heartache.

“Men have zero communication skills…” That’s exactly it Women look for verbal communication cues only. but 90% of communication is non verbal and men have a lot of things to cue off to their intention, whether it is “Mr. adjective” or “Mr. nice guy”. Assessing any situation or relationship should not be in a vacuum, and like you said gut feeling is crucial.

It is really a matter of wanting to see these cues or happy to live in a “ fantasy”, could not resist adding this in maybe now you can bring those guns out, just kidding, okey

Wed Oct 25, 10:03:00 AM
just a girl said…
LOL LOL LOL!! Guns? Honey, say hello to my sawed-off shotgun.

I’ll start by saying: Women will stop fantasizing when men don’t fall short of what we really want, thus forcing us with the need to ‘fantasize’

And now back to civility…
You know, most women would disagree that Mr. Adjective is easy to spot and avoid…and I honestly honestly don’t think you can say that as a straight man. I know I’m using the trump card of standpoint epistimology here, but…yeah. I don’t think you can be a judge of that, ya Sami. Jus like I can’t fault a man for falling for Ms. Player >> I have an edge where she’s concerned as do you, where Mr. Adjective is concerned, me thinks.

I agree with you on the communications thing and that there are a multitude of ways to communicate. Last evening, my girlfriend and I were discussing just that, and how the diffrent ways of communicating as well as receiving that information vary immensely from person to person. There’s a book that seems appropriate here…it’s titled: The Five Languages of Love. Pick it up, if you can!

later, dude.
m

Wed Oct 25, 10:38:00 AM
Uzi said…
I started writing a response to this entry sometime back, but then got sidelined and it just fizzled away from there.

Just wanted to say that it was a very good post. I saw some disconcerting paralells between the MR. you describe and some people I know. It was a very intreresting read.

Thu Oct 26, 08:05:00 AM
Kirst said…
Wow. Bitter … so very bitter.

Thu Oct 26, 08:29:00 AM
just a girl said…
Welcome Kirst­. I have no problem with anyone voicing their opinion on this blog, so long as it’s constructive and not offensive. So, why don’t you try posting something a little more comprehensive rather than a mere name-calling comment >> if you think the entry and all comments are bitter, then please explain that. We can engage in a discussion and actually possibly learn from one another

Thanks for dropping in and I look forward to your response.
m, “so very bitter”

Thu Oct 26, 09:38:00 AM
maria calvo said…
Kirst, this is for you.

“Wow. Typical … so very typical” that because a chick’s defined and avoided a certain type of asshole, she gets called “bitter”. If you read her entry carefully, she’s actually managed to avoid it so technically she has nothing to be bitter about.

Maha, I think you have your first troll which is sort of awesome and cause for celebration!

Troll: Never posts anything and then drops in to be negative.

Fucking, whatever.

maria

Thu Oct 26, 11:05:00 AM
just a girl said…
Maria be nice, please & thank you (but your response is funny…)

If this person chooces to launch a personal attack, then you’re free to let loose. Until then, let’s provide him/her room for explanation. It’s important to hear “why” they think that because it lends itself to understanding something about society at large and why women are immediately assumed “bitter” in an instance such as this. You saw it, now let’s see what sort of response / explanation is offered, if any.

Uzi, I would actually really love to hear what you have to say about this post. I like the male perspective on things like this and it would be cool to get your take on things. You have the edge, being a boy and all!

xox
m

Thu Oct 26, 11:50:00 AM
Colleen said…
Maha did you actually have an experience with Mr. Adjective and this is where this post came from?

It’s a really interesting piece.

Colleen

Sun Oct 29, 04:24:00 PM
just a girl said…
Hey Colleen,

Happy you enjoyed the post

No, I’ve never had the above happen to me, although one man tried and it was fun to play along. Most of the post comes from watching friends go through this; was a really horrible thing to watch and not be able to do anything, and so decided this post was the best idea…maybe help some other girls.

xox
m
p.s. this seems a common Q and so am going to update the post to reflect this.

Sun Oct 29, 06:51:00 PM
Anonymous said…
I really like this analysis. My girlfriend sent me the link to you because she is also going through something similar and I have been trying to tell her he’s a dick but I am not as articulate as you.

Thanks and it is cool that you are able to write about this eventhough you did not go through it yourself.

Take care.
Laura

Sun Oct 29, 10:14:00 PM
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