My Friend Waldo

.1. Stop everything. Now, go download Mobile’s ‘See Right Through Me’. Thing is, and what most of you don’t know is that your life has it’s own natural built-in Soundtrack and this song is The song that you’ll need as you’re walking away from something old, tired, painful and completely finished.

It’s that song, and when that song comes on, you’ll have just closed that door, smiled your most incredible heartbreaking smile and started walking away without so much as a glance over your shoulder.

(I have no idea what the lyrics are, and am too scared to check just in case they're about a boy whose groveling to be let back in. Damn the lyrics that don’t match the tune; I shake my fist at them.)

.2. Was rocking out to another tune which you must also download immediately. If you mock this, you may bite my a*s and never come back here again: Barry White’s ’You’re the First, the Last, My Everything’.

If this song doesn't make you dance then you're "a cold hearted snake. Look into his eyes. Wu-ooooh, he's been tellin' lies." Pauvre Paula.

.3. H, my hilarious and stunning girlfriend lost God-only-knows-where in the Far East has finally found me. We usually fall off one another’s radar – only in the form of email but never in our thoughts and hearts – for a few months until someone sends a “WHERE ARE YOU?” email and then we chat for a few weeks and it’s back to Start.

The first nickname I gave her was “WOZ” because it suited the immense personality stuffed into the body of a dancing pixie. WOZ is a trained dancer, watch out Britney!, and is the size of a pixie. When she sleeps over, I lay a tissue in some Crack and off she naps.

More recently, I’ve taken to calling her “Waldo” only because of where she is (or isn’t). I laugh every time I type ‘Waldo’, as in “Are you high, Waldo?” or “Whose the Asian dude, Waldo?” or “Waldo, I’ve missed you”.

Over the past few months I’d been having vivid dreams that Waldo had fallen into thousands of silk fabrics somewhere in Thailand and no one was able to find her. And then D, her guy, left because he was hungry.

Actually, I did no such thing but it makes me laugh to think of Waldo stuck between those huge fabrics rolls.

Waldo is the only individual with whom I speak and can not stop laughing. Our conversations are a little insane because the worst, most offensive non-pc dribble comes out of both our mouths. Ergo, in today’s email I asked: “Is (insert name of our friend, the actor) still a homo?”. I don’t know why or how it happens, but it just does and I’m usually left snorting, drooling, and doubled-over laughing hysterically. Our effect on one another is most definitely unique and anything but calming. I wouldn’t have it any other way and I wouldn’t trade her for a million Gerry Butlers (screaming crotch et al.).

It’s been a few years since we’ve seen one another in real time, and if there’s one thing I miss, it’s her laugh because no one else laughs like her; for a dancing pixie, her laugh is a bellow and anything but diminutive. Will see if she can make me a recording of it so that I may then podcast that sh*t here; You won’t believe your ears and you’ll fall in love with her as quickly as I did...

...the first time I met her at Oliver’s Pub (on campus) many moons ago. I was seated with Puma and we invited her to join us. I said something funny, she busted my eardrums and we lived happily ever after, her lost in the Far East and me everywhere else…

I miss that laugh, Waldo. Isn't it time you f*cking came home, already?