A part of me believes there are moments in our lives when a leap of faith is really quite necessary. That feeling is immediately overshadowed by my Muslim sensibilities which indicate there is no such thing as a leap of faith. Rather, there is real and concrete belief that every step you take, no matter the consequence or of what that action is borne, it is meant to be the best action you take. It’s not a leap of faith, but rather an unwavering belief that every step you take is a step in the right direction. (This isn’t to say that you live La Dolce Vita and chalk it up to being ‘a step in the right direction’. Obviously, there are guidelines (that I call ‘anchors’) set forth and with the intention of providing a semblance of order to one’s life…but that’s a greater conversation which extends beyond this immediate blog entry.)

This isn’t about free will either. Ultimately, you don’t need the concept of predetermination in order to believe that everything to come / which has occurred, is in fact the best possible scenario. The two are mutually exclusive and what follows is a little bit of my own personal philosophy in the form of a hypothetical extreme:
.1. I fall in love with and am convinced 100% that there is no other man for me.
.2. He feels the same for me & we decide to be married.
.3. He drops dead the day of our wedding.
.4. There is a real possibility that I will die a virgin.

Forget about the natural state of mourning and grief that are relatives of the human condition in that situation. Think instead of how you, were you in that situation, might treat it. I would have to say ‘Alhamdulilah’, which translates to: ‘Thanks be to God’ (or: “Thanks, God!”).

That sounds insane, eh?
Not really. Not when you believe that death was the least amount of pain you could have suffered. (E.g. Had he lived, two years later he and I and our child would have been in a car accident. He would have become a complete and total invalid, incapable of speech, movement, whatever. Our child would have died by being splattered on the road, and I would have lost my hands, nose, ears and feet because the accident occurred in the middle of winter and we laid out on the frozen road for hours and suffered severe frostbite before anyone found us. And while I was laying out on the road, I was pinned beneath my seat and had no choice but to watch as my baby gurgled itself to death because it was THE ONE TIME that I decided to not tie him in completely because he was being fussy. The consequence of that is that I then, with the years, neglect my mother who dies alone because I forgot to feed her. My dad, too.). But that’s just me and how I think. You can argue the opposite and believe it, instead choosing to live a sad empty life where you either believe in nothing or you believe that God gave you the shit end of the stick at every turn, you weirdo who is not my friend because you are likely very depressing to be around believe whatever pleases you.

After having gone through my first Blue Day at the end of last year, I had to revisit everything I understood of my own Faith. It wasn’t easy and at many junctures, most definitely not pleasant. But I had complete and total Faith even during moments of the most (metaphorical) blinding pain. Actually, I think my Faith would have been at its strongest at those very moments.

I believed that although outcomes had not been what I wanted, they were still perfect. Moreover, that had I in fact received what I wanted, the pain from that would have been far greater.

Although we can never know 100%, we can sometimes have a general idea of what could have been had we received what we wanted. This was one such case, where months after I’d dealt with the residue of my Blue Day, I was lucky enough to get a glimpse into what could have been had I received what I wanted when I wanted it. It would have been complete and total disaster. (Naturally, this isn’t to say that in perhaps a year from now I won’t get what I originally wanted…when it’s right and when it is the best thing…)

I had believed everything was for the best, but had no way of confirming this, and I had to let go of my need for that proof . I was lucky; Allah graced me with the proof (which, technically, isn’t my business in His Greater Chain of Being). It may sound strange, but in my own little world it became a testament of me, in my head. (I didn’t solicit strangers to “like, totally check me out because my character = pretty f*cking intense”. But rather, literally: in my head, I was proud of me. And I bought myself ice cream all the time (vanilla or crème brûlée only, please))

The reason I’m mentioning this is because since coming back from Beirut I’ve been thinking about doing something and I’ve been hesitant, fighting my own gut instinct to act. T told me to take a “leap of faith and just do it”. As soon as she said that, I thought: “I already have the faith, there’s no leap to take”, and I made my decision…one that was confirmed that same night, two nights ago, by one small sentence made by Anjum.

Whatever the outcome, I already believe that it’s the best outcome possible, no matter that it may be emotionally taxing.

Now. I want ice cream.