.1. The cello is my favourite instrument because it is the one instrument that jives 100% with crack. Speaking of which, I just purchased some more:

new crack

(Imagine these babies wrapped around a cello.)

.2. Today, someone posed the following hypothetical Q: ‘What do you need to do to make sure everything’s finished with a contract?’
…to which I responded: ‘Get rid of the incriminating evidence’.

No one laughed as hard as I did.

.3. When we say
“I really want to see him/her/undecidedOne”
we really mean
“I really want him/her/undecidedOne to see me and to think fond thoughts of me and to comment on how lovely my crack is.”

Being such egomaniacs is what makes us interesting, and I hate Ayn Rand.

.4. Out of familial obligation, Baby J was recently stuck dealing with a different kind of Boy, the kind that says “I’m sure you’re seeing a lot of other guys, ha ha ha” and leaving a message, only to call back a little later to ask “did you get my message? Did you like my message?”

For the love of God, man, don’t you know the least attractive quality in a man is neediness? (I’m sure it’s not that attractive on a woman, either.)

Baby J is one of the most fiercely independent women I know. At the sight of her, you understand that like me, she’s an Alpha, and female Alphas need their men to be Alphas, or else it’s quite nearly impossible for us to be attracted to them. We like men who take charge and are focused, the last thing they need being our validation.

But she’ll do her thing and eventually this will go away.

Her life is changing at the moment and I’m excited for her because she’s made a rather impressive and critical life-altering decision and one which will bring me many Hello Kitty items, the list of which I am already compiling. I have absolutely no doubt that she’ll completely excel at all that’s to come.

.5. Two honourable mentions.

I sent this email out:
ATTENTION!
ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU WILL BE SAFE, I’M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE.

Baby J responded with:
“This message has been automatically generated by the aliens that also abducted Baby Jane. We will return her to your planet as soon as we figure out how to clone her so that we may have an entire race, inspired by her beauty.

Please do not reply to this message.”

& Waldo came back with:
“ha ha…oh my god, they’re here!!!! see you on the other side!”

Is it any wonder that I’m in love with my girlfriends?

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