When I was born, mama’s Doctor had to break the following news to her: “We are really sorry about this. Truly. But it appears as though your daughter may be afflicted with Noncapacituous Crosswurdus, one of the rarest diseases known to humankind and for which there is no cure. Not even a Master of Arts can help her, I’m afraid.”

At the delicate age of 8, my mama and baba came into the living room where I was seated staring blankly at a Crossword puzzle and mumbling “But I don’t understand the Q. How are you a clue?”. Baba took the Saturday paper from my hands and mama began with:
“Maha, we were hoping we’d never have to tell you this, but. OH MY GOD, I JUST CAN NOT TELL HER, BABA!”
“Maha, your mother can be quite melodramatic at times, or maybe she’s drunk. I don’t know, but…uhm…so…so let’s just get this over with, shall we? Right. Ok. Well, you know, I don’t really think I can tell you either. Isn’t this strange? What is this I’m feeling? Emotion? What a peculiar feeling it is.

Right. Well, look darling, look for a letter for me explaining all this, won’t you? I fear that were I to continue, this Emotion thing may take over or something.”

Two days later, in the post came the following typed note from baba:
Meesho.
When you were born, you were born without a button in your head. This button is responsible for the completion of Crossword puzzles. Sorry love, but you are afflicted by ‘Noncapacituous Crosswurdus’ and will never be able to finish a Crossword puzzle successfully. It’s just not possible.
Love,
Baba
P.S. This ‘Emotion’ thing really is bizarre, yeah?
P.S. It must be something you’ve inherited from mama because I am a GENIUS at Crossword puzzles. But we won’t mention that to her, ok?

I read the letter and then charged around the house to find my parents. I had short legs at the age of 8 and so movement wasn’t quick. I was also a little tubby, but we don’t like to talk about that anymore. And by ‘we’, I mean ‘me’.

I found mama and baba seated in the living room watching the news. In my pyjamas and eyes brimming with tears, I lifted my little fist at baba and swore to him that I would prove to be a medical miracle, featured on CNN “some day!”. I would be the first person to ever overcome Noncapacituous Crosswurdus.

And so I’ve struggled for the last 14 years. Fourteen years filled with unfinished Crossword puzzles, ripped up New York Times, run over Chapter’s ‘Puzzles’ sections and sleepless nights filled with two word clues meant to generate a 27 letter word.

At the age of 32, do believe it is time I finally accepted that I will never, ever, for the life of me, complete a Crossword puzzle. I am comfortable enough to admit that I am a Crosswurdus Dorkus Extraordinaire, one who has failed miserably her 8 year old self.

Have you a similar affliction?