Noncapacituous Crosswurdus
When I was born, mama’s Doctor had to break the following news to her: “We are really sorry about this. Truly. But it appears as though your daughter may be afflicted with Noncapacituous Crosswurdus, one of the rarest diseases known to humankind and for which there is no cure. Not even a Master of Arts can help her, I’m afraid.”
At the delicate age of 8, my mama and baba came into the living room where I was seated staring blankly at a Crossword puzzle and mumbling “But I don’t understand the Q. How are you a clue?”. Baba took the Saturday paper from my hands and mama began with:
“Maha, we were hoping we’d never have to tell you this, but. OH MY GOD, I JUST CAN NOT TELL HER, BABA!”
“Maha, your mother can be quite melodramatic at times, or maybe she’s drunk. I don’t know, but…uhm…so…so let’s just get this over with, shall we? Right. Ok. Well, you know, I don’t really think I can tell you either. Isn’t this strange? What is this I’m feeling? Emotion? What a peculiar feeling it is.
Right. Well, look darling, look for a letter for me explaining all this, won’t you? I fear that were I to continue, this Emotion thing may take over or something.”
Two days later, in the post came the following typed note from baba:
Meesho.
When you were born, you were born without a button in your head. This button is responsible for the completion of Crossword puzzles. Sorry love, but you are afflicted by 'Noncapacituous Crosswurdus' and will never be able to finish a Crossword puzzle successfully. It’s just not possible.
Love,
Baba
P.S. This ‘Emotion’ thing really is bizarre, yeah?
P.S. It must be something you've inherited from mama because I am a GENIUS at Crossword puzzles. But we won't mention that to her, ok?
I read the letter and then charged around the house to find my parents. I had short legs at the age of 8 and so movement wasn’t quick. I was also a little tubby, but we don’t like to talk about that anymore. And by ‘we’, I mean ‘me’.
I found mama and baba seated in the living room watching the news. In my pyjamas and eyes brimming with tears, I lifted my little fist at baba and swore to him that I would prove to be a medical miracle, featured on CNN “some day!”. I would be the first person to ever overcome Noncapacituous Crosswurdus.
And so I’ve struggled for the last 14 years. Fourteen years filled with unfinished Crossword puzzles, ripped up New York Times, run over Chapter’s ‘Puzzles’ sections and sleepless nights filled with two word clues meant to generate a 27 letter word.
At the age of 32, do believe it is time I finally accepted that I will never, ever, for the life of me, complete a Crossword puzzle. I am comfortable enough to admit that I am a Crosswurdus Dorkus Extraordinaire, one who has failed miserably her 8 year old self.
Have you a similar affliction?
At the delicate age of 8, my mama and baba came into the living room where I was seated staring blankly at a Crossword puzzle and mumbling “But I don’t understand the Q. How are you a clue?”. Baba took the Saturday paper from my hands and mama began with:
“Maha, we were hoping we’d never have to tell you this, but. OH MY GOD, I JUST CAN NOT TELL HER, BABA!”
“Maha, your mother can be quite melodramatic at times, or maybe she’s drunk. I don’t know, but…uhm…so…so let’s just get this over with, shall we? Right. Ok. Well, you know, I don’t really think I can tell you either. Isn’t this strange? What is this I’m feeling? Emotion? What a peculiar feeling it is.
Right. Well, look darling, look for a letter for me explaining all this, won’t you? I fear that were I to continue, this Emotion thing may take over or something.”
Two days later, in the post came the following typed note from baba:
Meesho.
When you were born, you were born without a button in your head. This button is responsible for the completion of Crossword puzzles. Sorry love, but you are afflicted by 'Noncapacituous Crosswurdus' and will never be able to finish a Crossword puzzle successfully. It’s just not possible.
Love,
Baba
P.S. This ‘Emotion’ thing really is bizarre, yeah?
P.S. It must be something you've inherited from mama because I am a GENIUS at Crossword puzzles. But we won't mention that to her, ok?
I read the letter and then charged around the house to find my parents. I had short legs at the age of 8 and so movement wasn’t quick. I was also a little tubby, but we don’t like to talk about that anymore. And by ‘we’, I mean ‘me’.
I found mama and baba seated in the living room watching the news. In my pyjamas and eyes brimming with tears, I lifted my little fist at baba and swore to him that I would prove to be a medical miracle, featured on CNN “some day!”. I would be the first person to ever overcome Noncapacituous Crosswurdus.
And so I’ve struggled for the last 14 years. Fourteen years filled with unfinished Crossword puzzles, ripped up New York Times, run over Chapter’s ‘Puzzles’ sections and sleepless nights filled with two word clues meant to generate a 27 letter word.
At the age of 32, do believe it is time I finally accepted that I will never, ever, for the life of me, complete a Crossword puzzle. I am comfortable enough to admit that I am a Crosswurdus Dorkus Extraordinaire, one who has failed miserably her 8 year old self.
Have you a similar affliction?
Labels: Dork
posted by just a girl at 8:34 PM
10 Comments:
I think my affliction is an unnatural enjoyment of the self-inflicted lexical frustration that crossword puzzles represent. And while I'm somewhat handy at them, my particular permutation of the virus afflicts me with the ability to finish second-rate crosswords with decent consistency and somewhat-unshameful speed, but forever leaves me short of ever reasonably aspiring to completing NYT crosswords.
P.S. There was an article on crossword puzzles in a recent issue of The Believer magazine. You might find it interesting as it's written by a Frenchman who is more familiar with French-language crosswords but who sort of discusses comparative linguistics in how languages relate to crosswords.
AAAAHAHHAHAAHAAAA I LOVE the image of you shaking your little tubby fist at your parents! LOL! Dude, I can't do crosswords either.
Maria
Dude this is some funny shit. I can't do Sudoko puzzles.
W
My affliction is more a curse. I always choose the wrong lane, be it in traffic or the grocery store or at the movie theater. Without fail the moment I shift to what was previously a faster moving lane of traffic, it will come to a screaching halt at my arrival. Momentum interuptus....
Fuck, I can't do these OR sudoko puzzles either.
That's hilarious about the choosing the wrong lane ANYWHERE! Who are you? Your profile is shut off so we can't see you, '1'.
Tommy of The Gays
that 1 is supposed to be me Tommy of the Gays. Blogger had a brain fart.
Did you know that you can post youtube video pretty easily on the blog? Pretty cool.
http://www.jlh-design.com/2006/12/wicked-game-test.html
Jlh I can't click that lonk what is it?
thanks,
maria
Chester, it took me 7 hours to figure out what you wrote ;)
Look, at the sake of showing you the real me, I can do a People crossword puzzle in under 2 minutes. It's sad, really!
And that *is* an interesting article, thanks for sending it along...it was interesting to read it, and make the connection between the crossword and math. Bizarre stuff -- and who in the world does this for a living?
Maria, I thought I already mentioned that you're not to use the word 'tubby'? I may have to block your arse if you continue with such behaviour ;)
W, Welcome! Now...sudoko things I love and can do in a heartbeat! Math is fun for me. It's sick and twisted, I admit, but I LOVE math. But hate calculus. Damn them for coming up with Calculus.
Tommy, you're a dummy, like me! We appear to be in good company, love.
Mo, LOL! You've given me a visual that'll take me through the rest of the day (the grocery cart one!) :D
John, thanks for the link >> you know, I've only been on youTube maybe 3 or 4 times but don't really feel a draw to go back unless someone points the way! But that video of Chris's is seriously smokin'.
Maria, dork, just cut and paste it ;)
xox
m
I hate crossword puzzles with a passion they make me feel like a dumby!!!! The image of you as a tubby baby is cute!!
Hugs
Colleen
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