For your bum

I don’t like our current toilette paper brand and so decided to quest for a new one. While in the aisle with X**, I came across the Charmin brand. I’ve never tried the Charmin brand but I do recognise their bear mascot whose always wiping himself in the woods. In tandem with the wiping, he’s usually smiling.

As with any excellent advertising campaign, this made me think: If I use Charmin, I too shall smile in the woods! and so it was decided that I would try the Charmin brand. Charmin has several different varieties of toilette paper; the one against we immediately decided was their “Ultra Soft Doux” sort because, as X so delicately put it, “It’s too soft. Pieces get lost and you don’t know where they went” and to which I responded…
“Wow. Really?”
“Yeah. Totally.”
“That’s a little disturbing.”
…as my eye fell upon their “Extra Strong Resistant” flavour.

I was bewildered, albeit in a calm and charmin' manner.

My mind queried: Extra Strong Resistant for what?
How bad can it get down there?
Is it like Fallujah? Nam? Are soldiers wont to dying in there that they require “extra strong resistant” wear? If softer toilette paper has a habit of mysteriously disappearing, as with X, perhaps “Extra Strong Resistant” is the way of the future.

X offered: “X2** says this is awesome.”
“You two have had conversations about toilette paper?”
“I guess. Why don’t you try it?”
“I don’t understand the name.”
“Yeah.”
“Extra Strong Resistant for what?”
“I don’t know…”

Upon further reflection and hysterical hyena laughter in the aisle, we decided that Charmin’s Extra Strong Resistant would be better suited to either
The Days Your A** Kicks A**
or plain old
For Your Violently Tough A**

Had I a marker, I would have scribbled both tag lines on each one of the shelved Charmin items. Just to clarify and be helpful, of course.

**For purposes of maintaining my friendship with Them Who Are Not In Fact “X”s, their names have been changed.