Rounding A Corner: On Faith & Hijab

This post is a little heavy; I promise to post something ridiculously idiotic in the coming days. Something idiotic enough to make you laugh out loud and maybe even lose a little bladder control.

I have had a trying month, Alhamdulilah. ‘Alhamdulilah’ because from adversity and challenge comes strength for those who seek it. Inshallah this last month has made me stronger.

I find that where I’m concerned, I live in severe extremes – starve or gorge, really – and usually end up hitting rock bottom at high velocity before I turn my face up to Heaven. I’ve done this a handful of times in my life, and among everything I used to pray for, I never asked that It (that particular time) be the last. For the first time in my short little life, this is now something for which I am asking. Rest assured that it’s never as bad as it sounds because, Alhamdulilah, I lead a blessed and graced life. No matter the trauma I am forced to face, it is absolute child’s play in the grand scheme of things.

I have only ever gifted the Quran (more specifically, ‘the translation of’) to one person. In it, I wrote something along the lines of how it is only within the pages of This Book** I find calm, peace and forgiveness when I am at my absolute lowest and loneliest. I have been reading the Quran on a daily basis and each night before I sleep; If I could at this point become a page in This Book, I would.

Recently, and because of circumstance, there have been days where I’ve had trouble breathing; in Arabic, we say “dee’it nafs”, which, although it is a physical manifestation, it literally translates to a “tightly squeezed self” (think of it as thus: when you squeeze someone hard, as in a bear hug, they have trouble breathing). More often than not, “dee’it nafs” has a spiritual meaning because nafs comes from the Arabic word anfasukum, which means "souls". I have had this “dee’it nafs” for this past month. Alhamdulilah, whatever it was I was living is beginning to loosen.

This is where Hijab has come in to play. I thought that, perhaps, by wearing it I could protect and shield myself from certain things that have caused me to lose faith and be angry with Allah. A weakness of character, I admit. I spoke with some family members and did my own thinking on the subject of Hijab. The opinion I am going to offer is solely my own and is not a judgment on any female who has chosen to wear Hijab during a time of duress or when she has sought forgiveness for specific action(s).

Before diving into a deeper explanation, I have to acknowledge that while Hijab is not one of the five pillars of Islam (.1. Monotheism & recognition that Muhammad (s.a.w.s.) is His messenger; .2. Salaat (prayer); .3. Syaam (fasting during Ramadan); .4. Zakaat (charity); and .5. Haaj(pilgrimage)) it is indeed a fard, or rather a “must” decreed by Allah. There is a much greater philosophical debate here, one for which I currently neither have the state of mind nor the bandwidth. I am going to only offer a small glimpse into the lines bordering the philosophical argument…

Wearing Hijab is a choice born of Free Will, the choices and positions/judgments being as follows: (1) Because it is a fard, those who perform it are better than those who do not. (2) Someone who commits any act which is mafrood, and does so without being convinced of it, or who flat out denies its validity in their heart, is a hypocrite. (3) Person in either scenario 1 or 2 who commits any fard while, in tandem, committing greater sins. I choose to not posit an explicit opinion on this, for I can actually – and likely with great success – argue all sides. Since Hijab is our main topic, I will write that I believe there are many women wearing Hijab whose hearts are shaded, whereas there are many who do not wear it, but whose hearts are much more pure; Allah is the only one who can judge what is in the hearts of wo/mankind…I just offer an opinion to whomever walks past me on the street.

Having said that, we can now get to me, which is what everything boils down to on this blog.

For your blogMistress, my thoughts currently stand at this: Hijab will not be something I will do at the beginning of my spiritual journey, but rather, while along it. (There can never be an ‘at the end of it’ to such a journey.) Hijab will neither purify my heart, nor will it protect me from myself. (What it would do is signal that we are Muslimaat, and can, when we are ourselves lacking strength, create a barrier between ourselves and that which we have been told to avoid.)

I’ve seen many women take the decision to wear Hijab while mired in severe circumstance. They have done it for the exact reason I stated above. More often than not, these women have removed the Hijab when the situation they were previously in was resolved – and if ever you wish to flip Him the bird (staghfara Allah al3azzem, sorry!), then one surefire way to do it is to remove your Hijab.

Having written that, please understand that what I am about to write does not pertain to all, but is something I have noticed when this particular decision is taken in these specific circumstances. Unfortunately, and usually, the Hijab becomes the be-all and end-all of some. The touchstone of their Iman (Faith) rests on their Hijab. They misunderstand it as both the only and also the final means to Allah, making Islam = Hijab = Iman, forgetting the multiplicity of other Muslim characteristics We have to learn and exercise (e.g. not gossiping, judging, being envious of or jealous of others, not being selfish and wanting for oneself what you would not have others be granted, etc. & OH! Not eating bacon. (Try beef jerky instead.)).

Perhaps my biggest fear would be that wearing Hijab would be a band-aid solution to a much deeper struggle, one that can only be resolved by being honest with yourself about yourself. In laymen’s terms, I mean that wearing Hijab can not possibly rectify the darker recesses of one’s character; the ones which may have led them to behave in a certain manner / which may have led them to their current difficult circumstance. When we commit a wrong, we always commit it against Allah. In tandem with that, we either commit a wrong against another or against ourselves. Band-aid solutions may be used as a means to avoid facing who we have betrayed and ultimately, this means that we avoid being honest with ourselves. Take the modern day example of an alcoholic; their first step is admitting they have a drinking problem. That act is a means to facing one self and one’s own actions. It is, first and foremost, admitting there exists a problem that needs resolution. For me, wearing Hijab without having faced and improved myself may lead me to remove it in the future. I can’t risk it and so choose to not place myself in the situation from the beginning.

Arguably, there are some who can do the above in tandem; face themselves, while wearing Hijab. They will never go back on their decisions and they remain better than I and most likely, stronger than I. I understand my limitations and can’t lie to myself or Allah.

So. Where has all of the above left your blogMistress? Simple, actually. I am learning more about my own religion and I am working from the inside out. Rather than using the cloth as my barrier and guardian, I have chosen to use my Faith (my love for and fear of Allah). Ultimately, I have taken the decision that my Hijab will – when I finally do wear it, Inshalllah – be, not a means of protection, but rather, a means of outwardly stating what’s on the inside: Islam.

I hope that none of the above is perceived as any sort of judgment on anyone’s actions. There is only one judge in this world and He would not approve of my doing so for I can not see into the hearts of others. If I have offended you, please excuse my carelessness and know it is not my intention to do so.

**If you would like to read the Quran, merely go to your local mosque and ask them for a copy translated to the language you require. There’s no cost; you’ll be given The Book for free.

Footnote: This entry is not the appropriate one in which to outline the reasons Muslim women are to wear Hijab; I promise to do so in a future post.