On Writing A French Exam
Once upon a time, a little while back, I wrote…
Oh MY GOD, what is UP with the “people” who create French Exam Practice Tests?
I have to take both my written and comprehension French language tests quite soon and today, we – myself and three others way smarter than I - completed a “practice test”. I place this in quotes because they really ought to be called “this is what hell fire will feel like, sinner”.
It felt as though right before beginning our practice test, we excused ourselves to first wrap ourselves in those blankets…I forget what they’re called…you know the ones…oh! They’re called Stupid Blankets and they’re sold at a drug store near you next to the Depends, for the days your brain leeks. (My a** will suffer for that comment, some time in the future. Yours will too, if you laughed.)
Dude, I don’t know how thick those Stupid Blankets were, but we couldn’t even answer the English question correctly. And when you try to look up the answers, an evil French guy laughs in that evil French way that sounds as though he’s laughing through his nose into a glass of red wine and while seated on a baguette with butter.
By Question 30, our conversation turned to (guess who I am):
“It’s definitely not no 4. I think.”
“Right. Because that’s the infinitive of a verb that I’ve never heard of before. Have you heard of it? Should we know it? ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT ONE? I’VE RUN OUT OF INK.”
“I don’t think it’s nos 2 or 3 because they just don’t sound right to me.”
“Ok. I agree. Why are you running out of ink? We’re using the computer. OH MY GOD, DO I NEED TO BE USING INK?”
“I don’t waaaannaaaaa do this anymore it’s making me feel stupid.”
“There’s no WAY the real exam’s going to be as hard as these ones. NO WAY.”
“What did we decide?”
“I think that there’s only no 1 left. It has to be no. 1.”
Click.
“Oh my God, please let us be right. Please let us get JUST ONE right.”
“I don’t waaaaannnnaaaa anymore. Why are there no questions about Crack?”
”INCORRECT! HO! HO! HO! COCHON! YOU ARE A JAMBON!”
Final conclusion: We are stupid people crossed with imbeciles and divided by morons.
“It’s because it’s on a computer screen. It’s always way easier when you do a test on a piece of paper. I read that somewhere. It makes sense, too.”
“I told you not to!”
“Of course.”
“And it’s 4 pm. We’re beat. We’ve been here all day. It’s just not right.”
“It has nothing to do with the fact that we’re dumb.”
“No. We’re just tired.”
“I’m not gonnnnnna do anymoooooore.”
“I’m sure they’ve given us the hardest questions.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m still out of ink.”
Update: I completed two of my three French exams a week ago and inshallah I did well. And by that I mean I neither ran out of ink nor broke down while staring at the incomprehensible French. It also means I ordered a mean cheeseburger after class and then killed my day with the world’s best gourmet chili dogs, onion rings and chicken wings.
At no point in the drafting of the above entry were any French individuals hurt or maimed or wounded; only the egos of the non-French.
Oh MY GOD, what is UP with the “people” who create French Exam Practice Tests?
I have to take both my written and comprehension French language tests quite soon and today, we – myself and three others way smarter than I - completed a “practice test”. I place this in quotes because they really ought to be called “this is what hell fire will feel like, sinner”.
It felt as though right before beginning our practice test, we excused ourselves to first wrap ourselves in those blankets…I forget what they’re called…you know the ones…oh! They’re called Stupid Blankets and they’re sold at a drug store near you next to the Depends, for the days your brain leeks. (My a** will suffer for that comment, some time in the future. Yours will too, if you laughed.)
Dude, I don’t know how thick those Stupid Blankets were, but we couldn’t even answer the English question correctly. And when you try to look up the answers, an evil French guy laughs in that evil French way that sounds as though he’s laughing through his nose into a glass of red wine and while seated on a baguette with butter.
By Question 30, our conversation turned to (guess who I am):
“It’s definitely not no 4. I think.”
“Right. Because that’s the infinitive of a verb that I’ve never heard of before. Have you heard of it? Should we know it? ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT ONE? I’VE RUN OUT OF INK.”
“I don’t think it’s nos 2 or 3 because they just don’t sound right to me.”
“Ok. I agree. Why are you running out of ink? We’re using the computer. OH MY GOD, DO I NEED TO BE USING INK?”
“I don’t waaaannaaaaa do this anymore it’s making me feel stupid.”
“There’s no WAY the real exam’s going to be as hard as these ones. NO WAY.”
“What did we decide?”
“I think that there’s only no 1 left. It has to be no. 1.”
Click.
“Oh my God, please let us be right. Please let us get JUST ONE right.”
“I don’t waaaaannnnaaaa anymore. Why are there no questions about Crack?”
”INCORRECT! HO! HO! HO! COCHON! YOU ARE A JAMBON!”
Final conclusion: We are stupid people crossed with imbeciles and divided by morons.
“It’s because it’s on a computer screen. It’s always way easier when you do a test on a piece of paper. I read that somewhere. It makes sense, too.”
“I told you not to!”
“Of course.”
“And it’s 4 pm. We’re beat. We’ve been here all day. It’s just not right.”
“It has nothing to do with the fact that we’re dumb.”
“No. We’re just tired.”
“I’m not gonnnnnna do anymoooooore.”
“I’m sure they’ve given us the hardest questions.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m still out of ink.”
Update: I completed two of my three French exams a week ago and inshallah I did well. And by that I mean I neither ran out of ink nor broke down while staring at the incomprehensible French. It also means I ordered a mean cheeseburger after class and then killed my day with the world’s best gourmet chili dogs, onion rings and chicken wings.
At no point in the drafting of the above entry were any French individuals hurt or maimed or wounded; only the egos of the non-French.
posted by just a girl at 1:04 PM
4 Comments:
You need to post pictures of your friends in calss. Awesome stupid conversation. I hat4e exams!!
How did you do?? And it's nice to see you posting again, bitch...stop flaking out on us already!! God DAMN IT!
Tommy
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jambon's a HAM, LOL!!!!! You're such a spaz!! Awesome.
maria
Oh Girl! You were allowed to TALK during your practice exam?! We would have been severely punished for disturbing the concentration of the others (who actually enjoyed French...can you believe that? They enjoyed it?!!! Sick people!) You make me laugh....a little too hard...my muscle control is too weak for such a mirth inducing post. I feel for you - I always hated French at school, but then in England it may not be as critical to know any as in Canada.
Good to see you back Maha x
Tommy sorry for flaking out on you as of late :) I am trying my best not to do that any more...Your patience is appreciated, b*tch.
And...I exceeded the marks required, so I did really well, alhamdulilah!
Maria Jambon is a ham :)
Vanessa we were so lax about our practice exams we could have started dancing and no one would have cared. Count me in that 'sick' category baby, I LOVE FRENCH! I think it's such a sexy language...I never said I was normal :)
xox
m
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