.1. Would someone please tell me what, exactly, is a ‘shrub’? He has just purchased a ‘shrub’ for Donat, and as his excitement is v large, I must meet this excitement in support.

I feigned equal excitement while not having a clue what a ‘shrub’ is. Is it a bush of sorts? Is it colourful? Does it lay eggs or make cheese?

A gold star for anyone who tells me what a ‘shrub’ is, please.

.2. Remember the Charmin Extra Strength Resistant toilette paper for your Super Duper Durable A**?

I TRIED IT!

I LOVED IT!

I RECOMMEND IT!

I’ve now turned into the Charmin Bear. I even come with my own forest and newspaper.

.3. This afternoon I finally saw Gerard Butler and Boy George Rodrigo Santoro in the film ‘300’.

It is a beautiful ballet of the macabre.
I loved every moment of this film and strongly encourage you to watch it if you’ve not done so already.

Here are my unfortunate comments:
- Instead of ‘Dilios’, I kept hearing ‘Diddle your a**’.

- Whenever Rodrigo Santoro came on screen, I would sing: “Kama Kama Kama Kama Kama Cameleooooon, You come and go, You come and go-oh-oh-oh”.

- I am happy that the Montreal porn industry was well represented in Xerxes’ tent.

- Whenever The Bad Guy would appear on screen, I would sing: “Hey! Hey! We’re the monkeys. We really like to monkey around”.

- I never knew the world had so many n*pples. And having written that, I can’t help but wonder how it is that famine still exists.

- There was a scene where King Leonidas was eating an apple and the guy who was all “It was an honour to fight by your side and now I am going to die, elegantly” came running forward jumping all over the dead bodies.

He ran like a Faery King.

Why, Zack?

Didn’t either of you hear The King when he said – quite clearly, I might add – ‘THIS IS SPARTA’?

His running made me laugh a lot. And when this film is out on DVD, I plan on forwarding right to that part and watching it over and over and over and over in fast motion.

- I nearly yelled at the screen when The Queen had sex with The Monkey. She would totally not do that. TOTALLY. I don’t know who wrote that part, but they should fire them from Hollywood. There is NO WAY The Queen would have been stupid enough to think that The Monkey would have stayed true to his word. NOT TO MENTION THE FACT that she was sleeping with King Leonidas and so. Would just. Never. A Monkey.

.4. My dear sweet girlfriend Rannoon was in Ottawa (visiting from Montreal) this weekend and we spent the better part of yesterday together doing nothing but getting caught up, discussing politics, religion, men, boys, mamas and family.

She’s my sister and I love her giggle and curly eyelashes; sitting across from her I realized how blessed I’ve always been to have such amazing women in my life.

There are precious moment in our lives when we see our reflections mirrored in the hearts of our friends. Yesterday, I had a full day of that and today I feel as though I’m still riding that wave.

.5. My girlfriend Sharon recently mentioned the need for an ethics hotline. I agree. When you are faced with an ethical dilemma, you can call the Hotline and ask their guidance.

Take for example the following scenario: You are in a store about to purchase a pop. Accidentally, you drop the pop on the floor. Do you then:
(a) Kick the pop aside without looking at it and grab another;
(b) Purchase the same pop and wait before opening it;
(c) Stare at the person next to you while loudly declaring ‘You dropped your pop’;
(d) Hand the pop to the store’s owner, explaining the accident and demanding a reward;
or
(e) Return the pop to the back of the refrigerator and take another?

…if we had an Ethics Hotline, we could call them and ask them what to do…
(If you chose ‘D’, then you chose correctly. Bravo, friend. Bravo.)

.6. The other day a Parisienne woman told me I spoke French ‘elegantly’. I kissed myself for receiving such a lovely compliment. And by ‘kissed myself’, I mean I brought the tips of my five right-hand fingers together and bounced them off my mouth four times.

.7. While shopping recently with Natasha, we were standing behind a woman who was told the following: “We can’t accept your credit card because the amount you’re buying’s too high. We think there’s fraud going on, pretty much. Don’t go anywhere.”

While walking past her, we had to pull me away quickly because I wanted to say: “Good luck with that fraud thing”.

I still don’t understand why T wasn’t willing to let me be sisterly and supportive. Likely because she was jealous I came up with the idea before she did.

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