Iman (Faith) on this day
Before beginning I would like to let everyone know that my dear friend Sami (who lives here) has ventured out in business. Wish him well, please. Mwafa2a inshallah ya Sami; I have no doubt you will succeed and inshallah spend a lot of money on your dear friend Maha and her love of Crack reap the rewards of your hard work.
& on to the entry itself…
Since my return from volunteering in Beirut during the war, I have been trying to figure out what I am, where I belong and what sort of life I want to lead. Understanding fully well that identity is not static and – for those of us blessed enough – that it is a life-long journey, I have felt that whatever I am or have been is not concrete enough for my liking. More importantly, it’s not concrete enough for my peace of mind. I was displeased with my lack of Iman because although ‘I am a Muslimah’, I wanted to be more than that. I want to be more than that.
In simple terms: It was time to challenge my state of acquiescence.
In the last little while, this process has been heightened and intensified. I am demanding much more of myself than I have ever in my entire adult life. The repercussions of this have been extremely far-reaching as it has meant that those I love most have also been forced to challenge themselves and most everything they’ve believed to date, how they viewed their present and, more importantly, their future. More heartbreaking is that the situation may alter forever our relationships. I pray Allah will protect us all from that.
I didn’t provide them a choice in this and for that I will have to pray that they will one day understand my actions and that they will have faith in both myself and these very actions. More importantly, I pray I have not and will not disappointed the family that has held me together and up during my weakest moments of 32 years past. They are the glue of me and I fear that without them I would quite literally fall to pieces.
Further to this and with full Iman I have chosen to alter my life as I had planned its unfolding in the coming couple of years. By my own hands, I have turned my world upside down; nothing in my life today is as it was and sometimes, it’s hard not to spin.
There are moments, hours, days where I have been drained and where I have questioned my actions and my purpose. To calm and temper me, I read Surat Yâ-Sîn daily either during salaat el-subuh or right before I sleep. The Quran is where I place my heart when I have neither the strength nor the courage to stand alone. It’s in His words that I find solace when I can not rest my head in my mother’s lap.
The Prophet (SalAllahu alayhi wasalam) said, ”Surely everything has a heart, and the heart of the Qur’an is Yasin. I would love that it be in the heart of every person of my people”[Bazzar]. (S.Muhammad Ali Sabuni, Tafsir-al-SabuniVol.2)
Today, I am tired.
That sentence is hard to see and it’s hard to share because of the depth of my fatigue. I have always had great difficulty sharing the weight of my heart except with a select few; I do my best to carry the hearts of others, but rarely burden individuals with sharing in the pain that is the consequence of the choices I make.
Although I may be demanding of myself and of individuals, I try to keep the particular burden of me as far away as possible and I try to minimize its pain as much as possible. Individuals have their own problems and most certainly don’t need mine to compound their own.
Unfortunately, I have caused pain in the heart of the family who loves me and I can’t share or lighten the weight I have forced upon them. And so today, I am tired. And today, I am hurting a little more than yesterday and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that…
Today, I am tired but I believe that we are never handed more than we can tackle. He never gives us more than we can face and overcome. And the greater the challenge, the greater the strength of character one possesses.
Today, I am thankful, Alhamdulilah.
I am thankful that I have a warm home and food and friends and family. I am thankful for all of the good that is in this world and the blessed life I continue to lead. I am thankful for the challenges and for the struggles, for the pain and the hurt and the tears. I am thankful for the burdens and for the sunshine. And I am thankful for the birds. I am thankful for being tired and I am thankful for the reserve of strength I have at my disposal…a reserve I never had to touch before and so a reserve the depth of which I am uncertain.
But whatever the outcome, I am thankful.
Alhamdullilah.
& May peace always be upon you, most especially on the days that find you exhausted. Remember that your heart is the center of your Faith and it is from the center that God speaks to you.
& on to the entry itself…
Since my return from volunteering in Beirut during the war, I have been trying to figure out what I am, where I belong and what sort of life I want to lead. Understanding fully well that identity is not static and – for those of us blessed enough – that it is a life-long journey, I have felt that whatever I am or have been is not concrete enough for my liking. More importantly, it’s not concrete enough for my peace of mind. I was displeased with my lack of Iman because although ‘I am a Muslimah’, I wanted to be more than that. I want to be more than that.
In simple terms: It was time to challenge my state of acquiescence.
In the last little while, this process has been heightened and intensified. I am demanding much more of myself than I have ever in my entire adult life. The repercussions of this have been extremely far-reaching as it has meant that those I love most have also been forced to challenge themselves and most everything they’ve believed to date, how they viewed their present and, more importantly, their future. More heartbreaking is that the situation may alter forever our relationships. I pray Allah will protect us all from that.
I didn’t provide them a choice in this and for that I will have to pray that they will one day understand my actions and that they will have faith in both myself and these very actions. More importantly, I pray I have not and will not disappointed the family that has held me together and up during my weakest moments of 32 years past. They are the glue of me and I fear that without them I would quite literally fall to pieces.
Further to this and with full Iman I have chosen to alter my life as I had planned its unfolding in the coming couple of years. By my own hands, I have turned my world upside down; nothing in my life today is as it was and sometimes, it’s hard not to spin.
There are moments, hours, days where I have been drained and where I have questioned my actions and my purpose. To calm and temper me, I read Surat Yâ-Sîn daily either during salaat el-subuh or right before I sleep. The Quran is where I place my heart when I have neither the strength nor the courage to stand alone. It’s in His words that I find solace when I can not rest my head in my mother’s lap.
The Prophet (SalAllahu alayhi wasalam) said, ”Surely everything has a heart, and the heart of the Qur’an is Yasin. I would love that it be in the heart of every person of my people”[Bazzar]. (S.Muhammad Ali Sabuni, Tafsir-al-SabuniVol.2)
Today, I am tired.
That sentence is hard to see and it’s hard to share because of the depth of my fatigue. I have always had great difficulty sharing the weight of my heart except with a select few; I do my best to carry the hearts of others, but rarely burden individuals with sharing in the pain that is the consequence of the choices I make.
Although I may be demanding of myself and of individuals, I try to keep the particular burden of me as far away as possible and I try to minimize its pain as much as possible. Individuals have their own problems and most certainly don’t need mine to compound their own.
Unfortunately, I have caused pain in the heart of the family who loves me and I can’t share or lighten the weight I have forced upon them. And so today, I am tired. And today, I am hurting a little more than yesterday and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that…
Today, I am tired but I believe that we are never handed more than we can tackle. He never gives us more than we can face and overcome. And the greater the challenge, the greater the strength of character one possesses.
Today, I am thankful, Alhamdulilah.
I am thankful that I have a warm home and food and friends and family. I am thankful for all of the good that is in this world and the blessed life I continue to lead. I am thankful for the challenges and for the struggles, for the pain and the hurt and the tears. I am thankful for the burdens and for the sunshine. And I am thankful for the birds. I am thankful for being tired and I am thankful for the reserve of strength I have at my disposal…a reserve I never had to touch before and so a reserve the depth of which I am uncertain.
But whatever the outcome, I am thankful.
Alhamdullilah.
& May peace always be upon you, most especially on the days that find you exhausted. Remember that your heart is the center of your Faith and it is from the center that God speaks to you.
posted by just a girl at 5:36 PM
11 Comments:
Bitch you made me almost cry.
I hope you are okay, Maha and that everything will be okay.
You're strong but you don't have to be. Sometimes its a good idea to let other people carry all of your heart so that you don't lose it somewhere when you can't carry it.
A big hug, biOtch and Be well and know we love you especialy The Gays.
Tommy
p.s. If you drank you could totally get drunk to forget. I hope I don't go to hell just for recommending that to a Muslim.
Maha,
Our hearts are with you and we will gladly carry yours any day :)
Be strong and rest assured that your strength of person and strength of faith will carry you through anything you are currently experiencing.
Thank you for sharing and entrusting so much of yourself with us every day.
All my love, Colleen
Hi Maha,
I'll be honest. You lost me a little bit in your blog, because obviously it is a very personal matter. I guess my confusion comes from the fact that I can't imagine how things could go south from (what it sounds like) your decision to live a better life. However, ask Allah for guidance and Insha-Allah everything will work out. If you are doing your best and trying to be better then Insha-Allah good things will happen for you.
BTW, you reminded me of my father when you mentioned Surat Yâ-Sîn.
B
Hey Maha this is a really powerful blog and I hope that all is going to be well. Tomorrow if not today :)
I've been there but obviously not to the extent that you are - I have taken decisions that I knew and understood were right but others thought were wrong and the tension and drama that followed was insane. Peope come around Maha. They always do, it's just that some battles take a lot longer than others.
I don't know if that'll be the case here but things will come around, and so will the people who love you and you love obviously so very much :)
maria
Thank you, Tommy -- funny that you wrote that as among one of the *very* reason we are not allowed to drink it`s so that we do not use it as a crutch (on any level) to forget. As believers, strength is key and that`s strength all across the board, most especially when you want to forget and instead choose to face it and the pain of it :)
But you`re cute nonetheless and your sentiment is funny!
I have to head out but I`ll be back tonight to respond to the rest of you. Thank you all!
xox
meesho
Thanks for the good wishes. And I promise you that once I start rolling in money :) I will buy all the crack you want :)
There is one thing that I realized about people is that some of the most interesting ones are the ones that struggle with these issues or for lack better word do not know who they are or what they want of themselves.
Maha, as long as you care about some things in life, obviously you care about your Mom, family, your friends, and this blog and the people you meet through it, you will have a wonderful life and you are wonderful person for it.
I am not sure if this entry is about achieving something or heading towards a goal or not, or if you struggle with a destination to move towards, but life should be easier than that to be “tiring”.
Look, what I do and this may work for me only, but give it a try. Rather than trying to "achieve" -- what I do is focus on personal merit and quality in aspects of my life that provide me with meaning and fulfillment. It is about how to do the little things. For example,
riding a mountain bike: I try a different trail each time, a little bit harder, more faster,
reading a book: take my time sit alone with no phones or music, re read an interesting paragraph,
prayer: try to do it on time, not to miss a single one
…etc
To be able to coop I had to simplify and reduce to what is truly enjoyable and focus on how to do it excellently.
Sorry I babbled too much :)
Maha, for those who try, finding what one is truly destined to be and the process of self actualisation (becoming all that one can be)is a painful process, but those who love you will understand and want whatever makes you happy in the long run.
In the words of an old Christian hymn, "everything changes, but God changes not". God doesnt change because he is the only perfect constant in the universe. In order for us to move ever closer to a higher state of being we must change, as those around us must. If we move forward, they can choose to join us and move forward also, or be left behind. If they love us, they move with us to the best of their ability.
Pain is only temporary and helps one to better appreciate the pleasures in life. You are amazing and will be even more amazing as your life progresses.
Much Love Vxx
OK Maha.. You just managed to have me (and others) worried about you! You may not want to "burden" those who truly care for you but why not allow them the privelege of being there for you? When you bring someone you trust into your trials and tribulations, you may feel better because of their support but you must realize that they feel too better knowing you trusted them enough to open up to them.. What better way to recognize a real trusted friend? Leaning on someone in your time of need is the ultimate expression of trust. This also tells them that it is OK to lean on you in their time of need. Do not take that away from those who deeply care about you. You do not have to go through this alone.
Maha.. you know the people you trust, open up to them, give them a chance to be there for you.. they will really appreciate it and you might too :-)
Take care of yourself.. The "other" annonymous friend you recently shared your blog address with.
Thank you Colleen. That love is reciprocated.
B, is your father's name Yasin or did he simply enjoy reading it? I just finished, Alhamdulilah...thought I'd check in and respond as promised before crashing :)
As for the confusion you may be lost in I don't blame you - and maybe one day I will be able to explain. In the interim, know that I am trying to improve my life, inshallah, but some others may not perceive it as such or they are too deep inside their own heads and their own beliefs that they can not see the logic of my own.
Oddly, it's sort of along the lines of what Maria wrote.
But Alhamdulilah, I believe I am doing the right thing even though I may have caused some pain along the way. I trust in Allah and so that is what has and will continue to carry me through.
Thank you for your kind words and concerns...and I promise to keep everyone posted, inshallah. To the best of my ability without transgressing the privacy of my family.
Thank you Maria and yes, people do come around and 'Allah bysahil' which loosely translated means 'God renders things more easily'. Inshallah all will be well. All will be well. And I too believe that people come around, some more than others. Mama is slowly coming around and she is my primary concern. Inshallah kheir :)
To the others, I will respond tomorrow inshallah. Thank you everyone for commenting.
All my love,
maha
Hey Maha,
No, my Dad's name isn't Yasin, but he is always telling us kids that Surat Yâ-Sîn is the heart of the Koran so when I read your blog, you reminded me of him.
After reading everyone's good comments and insight, I am starting to understand the situation more without you having to provide additional details. I was just looking at it too narrowly before.
From everything that you have said, it sounds like your intentions are in the right place and intentions do count for a lot. Insha-Allah there will be peace in your family and in your life again.
B
Salaam Sami - you did not babble at all! Thank you so very much for taking the time to share that here :) (3anjad, I keep telling you you must get your own blog, ya baba!).
I am trying to do what you say; prayer has been key, alhamdulilah. This will take time, it's only natural ya3ni...
And you're right about looking to achieve small goals slowly. This is something I will be doing. I have to sort of change the way I approach things I think; I have a tendency to go big or go home - but when it comes to personal struggle, this can be very difficult.
Inshallah kheir ya rab. :)
Thank you again, Sami - and I will send you photos of wanted Crack ;)
Vanessa - thanks for your words of encouragement. I too believe that my family will work and progress with me, whatever the case. It may take a little longer than in another situation, but I believe it will happen inshallah :)
I like that you're articulated that God is the only constant in this universe. He is.
Spot on :)
To my "other" anonymous friend - thank you for your concern and thank you for your words of encouragement on the phone today. You're awesome...alhamdulilah we were brought together...
Conversation went well, alhamdulilah. Thank you for the advice...thank you so so very much!
B - Inshallah and thank you :) I look forward to our email chat, please do give me time to get it together to write a coherent email in the near future. Thank you for your patience!
xox
meesho
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