Healing & gratitude by example

I'm learning and I don't plan on stopping until I drop dead...

Healing
As "Support" for my girlfriend, I went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting last night. It was my first time and I was moved to tears by the stories shared. Sitting among the participants I realised that I was a sort of a**hole for ever wallowing in my own "misery" when the pain of others was so incredibly palpable and next to which my own became nothing short of a spoiled brat's self-pity. I was surrounded by individuals who were so grateful to be alive, individuals who lived day by day, battling themselves so they could be aware of what they once were and who they are today. Individuals who faced themselves and who were thankful for the ability to do so. Their battle to heal and their road to recovery is: fearless self-awareness.

I have a friend who, since our early twenties, I've watched live in rage and anger. I never said anything but I'd always felt that anger was a mask for something far more painful, something I've never been able to clearly see in order to articulate. After last night's meeting, I finally understood that her anger serves to mask a deep and sometimes immeasurable pain and sadness. I also realised that it is the path we walk if we wish to avoid forgiveness.

I walked around for a couple of hours after the meeting and I found the strength to honestly face myself as I am today and the kind of woman I want to be tomorrow. I once said to someone I love that: "I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop" and in essence that meant that I was always waiting to be hurt. But last night, I decided to throw that out. I threw it out because I don't like that girl. I used to think it was a means of self-preservation, but last night I realised that although that was a part of it, it was also my defence against / fear of both hurt and pain. By living that sentiment I was living as someone wounded. By what, I couldn't tell you...and even if I could, it's likely not something I would share.

Last night I understood the reality that in order for us to live, we must allow ourselves to feel all emotions, including pain and fear, in all of their extremities. With the dulling or avoidance of any emotion comes the severing of others, whether we want that or not. I won't lie to you, I'm terrified to hurt and I'm scared to see what's inside, but I do welcome it, if for no other reason than because I now refuse to let fear or pain direct my life or my feelings. If anything is going to direct my life, it's going to be love and nothing short of...

O articulated it best when she said "Place fear behind you, love in front of you and run like hell".

Gratitude
During the sharing period of the meeting, a younger man spoke to the idea of gratitude. He explained how he used to get sick and tired of hearing the words "I am so grateful I am here" until now. Now that he too is grateful to be waking up in the morning and remembering the day previous. Now that he too is grateful to live and breathe and possess the capacity to see his own life unfold before him. Now that he is able to manage his disease.

It brought to mind an old Arab proverb that mama taught me: "On the heads of the healthy are crowns seen only by the ailing".

Although gratitude for and in this life is a sometimes rare commodity, it's one we need to aspire to daily if we are to live healthy and stable lives built on the present rather than the "what if" of a future yet undecided and the "I wish I had" of a past no longer accessible.

I'm trying...and on the day I die, I'll try to post an entry to let you know how I made out in this world and before I head to FOREVER AND EVER LAND...