It has taken me some time, but I have perfected the gas nozzle “clip and pour and don’t spill and stop right at the $.00 mark”.

I do not spill gas and I pride myself on the fact that I always reach the $.00 mark. Always. Some have perceived this as a little bit of an obsession, but to those people, I think ‘SHUT IT’…only it comes out like: “Well, you know, we all have our little idiosyncrasies, ha ha. I guess that’s mine…and a whole many others”.

Unfortunately, I have a severe dislike for and inability to properly use the coffee spout. I have tried being polite to Her and cooing at Her and even playing Her soft music and lighting candles, only She never quite responds. I’m sure it’s because She is much too busy saving the world and Her denial of me really has nothing to do with the fact that it’s me.

And look, I understand fully well that it is not, in fact, a “coffee spout”, but I really haven’t a clue what it’s called. It’s that thing that is usually black and sits on top of the “tap” from which the coffee spills forth (and God said: “LET THERE BE CAFFEINE”) and you lift it Up to open the floodgates to love and then Down to close the flood of What I Need To Survive.

If any of you wish to show off and give me the official name of this thing, then please comment. Gold Star and induction into The Hall of Nerd for you, where we shall be brethren/sisteren in Nerd-om.

Anyway. I can’t get That Which Can Not Be Named to work for me. I always overspill my coffee or under fill my mug. For the longest time, I used to think that the overflow of coffee was to be spilled into the garbage can because NO BODY TOLD ME that that thing sitting flat on the counter and looking suspiciously like my heating and air conditioning grate was for the excess coffee. I always assumed it was there for clumsy folk who accidentally spilled their coffee as they added cream, milk, sugar or most likely, as they tried to place the all-too-often ill-fitting chapeau on the coffee cup head.

All this to provide you with the earth shattering news that I am liquid dyslexic and can’t use that coffee tap thing properly. Please control your excitement at the news; I’m being interviewed re matter right after BBC’s Alan Johnston (now freed, yay!).

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