“CONGRATULATIONS, YOU FOUND ME!” is only one of the spectacularly retarded captions men use on a particular on-line dating site.

I decided to join in an effort to perhaps find an interesting and viable dude to hang out with for quite some time.
I have one rule: Said Dude has got to be a Believer.

The interactions I’ve had have been the kind of funny that’s piss-worthy. For your enjoyment, I’ve decided to make note of a few scenarios…

Scenario no 1:
The guy who sent me a message that read “je ne cherche pas pour le serieux, juste pour le fun ;) Do you want to get together ;) ”. Loosely translated, that reads “I am STD filled and pick up sexual partners on line. Please understand that I am a gigantic loser and I have no social skills. These qualities attract sluts. I’ve not read your profile that clearly indicates you have a brain and I am sending you this mentally handicapped note because I saw your photo and your [sic] smiling and that means your [sic] good to go. P.S. I hate women.”

and to which I responded:
“Je ne cherche que pour le serieux, donc prend votre “;)” and take a hike.”

Scenario no 2:
The guy who sent me a message that yelled “SALAM. GOOD. NICE TO MEET ME. PLEASE MESAGE.”

and to which I responded:
“SALAM. LITERACY IN ENGLISH A MUST, PLEASE. BYE BYE!”

Scenario no 3:
The hottie (seriously, this guy’s HOT) who sent me a message that read “Hey honey, you’re gorgeous. Send me your email and your phone number and we’ll hit the town ‘cus you want to with me.”

and to which I responded:
“LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!! Uhm. No.”

Scenario no 4:
Every single man who posts a photo of his stupid ass in a bar with his shirt unbuttoned down to his navel and with several (never only one) large tittied women hanging off his slimy, greasy body. Because NOTHING says “I want commitment” like maybe an alcohol fuelled orgy.

Scenario no 5:
Every single man whose profile picture is of him wearing sunglasses.

DUDE. You are not Tom Ford and the fact that you need to advertise just how cool you are makes you that much less cool. (And p.s. even Gerry Butler – who will always be way cooler than you – takes off his sunglasses when hitting on a woman. That’s what I’ve been told.)

Scenario no 6:
The 78 year old men trolling for women aged 18 – 27 but making an “exception” for me.

Because there’s nothing I love more than limpness. Thanks, grandpa.

Scenario no 7:
Every single man who has in his “name” any of the following:
lonely
prince
king
masculine
horny
perfect
hollatcha
kitty
ImHot
CONGRATULATIONS
YouWillNeverKnow (nor do I ever plan on it)

Scenario no 8:
Every single man whose profile is all about finding a woman to “stand by me in my success and not work but stay at home and take care of me” because I am a complete and total idiot and my mother still irons my underwear and I have no social skills whatsoever, so please just stand there, look pretty and cook my food. It doesn’t matter that I’m sort of ugly. I’m just saying.

Scenario no 9:
All of the men who YELL IN THEIR PROFILES BECAUSE WHY BOTHER SPEAKING NORMALLY WHEN YOU CAN BE AN OBNOXIOUS IDIOT?

Scenario no 10:
This is a category all on its own. I was seeing a “boy” year before last – he wore a white fedora in winter because that was Montreal fashion. I can’t even begin to excuse my behaviour, so I won’t try. Let’s chalk it up to ‘I’m just an idiot’. Among The Girls, he will forever be known as The Pink Lady and that should tell you all you need to know about him.

That and the fact that his friend is on the same site as I. His friend, who sent me a message asking me if I was free and available and would go out with him but not tell The Pink Lady.

Wow.

********************
(1) I promise to keep you abreast of my escapades.

(2) Special mention: I met one really nice guy who has already become a friend. He’s by far the coolest guy I’ve met so far and I plan on running past him The Crazy I encounter, and I hope he’ll do the same. He has a puppy named The Peanut (well: not really, but I think that sounds great).

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