The Dating Game
"CONGRATULATIONS, YOU FOUND ME!" is only one of the spectacularly retarded captions men use on a particular on-line dating site.
I decided to join in an effort to perhaps find an interesting and viable dude to hang out with for quite some time.
I have one rule: Said Dude has got to be a Believer.
The interactions I've had have been the kind of funny that's piss-worthy. For your enjoyment, I've decided to make note of a few scenarios...
Scenario no 1:
The guy who sent me a message that read "je ne cherche pas pour le serieux, juste pour le fun ;) Do you want to get together ;)". Loosely translated, that reads "I am STD filled and pick up sexual partners on line. Please understand that I am a gigantic loser and I have no social skills. These qualities attract sluts. I've not read your profile that clearly indicates you have a brain and I am sending you this mentally handicapped note because I saw your photo and your [sic] smiling and that means your [sic] good to go. P.S. I hate women."
and to which I responded:
"Je ne cherche que pour le serieux, donc prend votre ";)" and take a hike" and then I blocked his pathetic wiener ass.
Scenario no 2:
The guy who sent me a message that yelled "SALAM. GOOD. NICE TO MEET ME. PLEASE MESAGE."
and to which I responded:
"SALAM. LITERACY IN ENGLISH A MUST, PLEASE. BYE BYE!"
Scenario no 3:
The hottie (seriously, this guy's HOT) who sent me a message that read "Hey honey, you're gorgeous. Send me your email and your phone number and we'll hit the town 'cus you want to with me."
and to which I responded:
"LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!! Uhm. No."
Scenario no 4:
Every single man who posts a photo of his stupid ass in a bar with his shirt unbuttoned down to his navel and with several (never only one) large tittied women hanging off his slimy, greasy body. Because NOTHING says "I want commitment" like maybe an alcohol fuelled orgy.
Scenario no 5:
Every single man whose profile picture is of him wearing sunglasses. (He probably calls them 'shades'.)
DUDE. You are not Tom Ford and the fact that you need to advertise just how cool you are makes you that much less cool. (And p.s. even Gerry Butler - who will always be way cooler than you - takes off his sunglasses when hitting on a woman. That's what I've been told.)
Scenario no 6:
The 78 year old men trolling for women aged 18 - 27 but making an "exception" for me.
Because there's nothing I love more than limpness. Thanks, grandpa.
Scenario no 7:
Every single man who has in his "name" any of the following:
lonely
prince
king
masculine
horny
perfect
hollatcha (I shit you not, ladies & gentlemen)
kitty
ImHot
CONGRATULATIONS
YouWillNeverKnow (nor do I ever plan on it)
Scenario no 8:
Every single man whose profile is all about finding a woman to "stand by me in my success and not work but stay at home and take care of me"because I am a complete and total idiot and my mother still irons my underwear and I have no social skills whatsoever, so please just stand there, look pretty and cook my food. It doesn't matter that I'm sort of ugly. I'm just saying.
Scenario no 9:
All of the men who YELL IN THEIR PROFILES BECAUSE WHY BOTHER SPEAKING NORMALLY WHEN YOU CAN BE AN OBNOXIOUS IDIOT?
Scenario no 10:
This is a category all on its own. I was seeing a "boy" year before last - he wore a white fedora in winter because that was Montreal fashion. I can't even begin to excuse my behaviour, so I won't try. Let's chalk it up to 'I'm just an idiot'. Among The Girls, he will forever be known as The Pink Lady and that should tell you all you need to know about him.
That and the fact that his friend is on the same site as I. His friend, who sent me a message asking me if I was free and available and would go out with him but not tell The Pink Lady.
Wow.
********************
(1) I promise to keep you abreast of my escapades.
(2) Special mention: I met one really nice guy who has already become a friend. He's by far the coolest guy I've met so far and I plan on running past him The Crazy I encounter, and I hope he'll do the same. He has a puppy named The Peanut (well: not really, but I think that sounds great).
I decided to join in an effort to perhaps find an interesting and viable dude to hang out with for quite some time.
I have one rule: Said Dude has got to be a Believer.
The interactions I've had have been the kind of funny that's piss-worthy. For your enjoyment, I've decided to make note of a few scenarios...
Scenario no 1:
The guy who sent me a message that read "je ne cherche pas pour le serieux, juste pour le fun ;) Do you want to get together ;)". Loosely translated, that reads "I am STD filled and pick up sexual partners on line. Please understand that I am a gigantic loser and I have no social skills. These qualities attract sluts. I've not read your profile that clearly indicates you have a brain and I am sending you this mentally handicapped note because I saw your photo and your [sic] smiling and that means your [sic] good to go. P.S. I hate women."
and to which I responded:
"Je ne cherche que pour le serieux, donc prend votre ";)" and take a hike" and then I blocked his pathetic wiener ass.
Scenario no 2:
The guy who sent me a message that yelled "SALAM. GOOD. NICE TO MEET ME. PLEASE MESAGE."
and to which I responded:
"SALAM. LITERACY IN ENGLISH A MUST, PLEASE. BYE BYE!"
Scenario no 3:
The hottie (seriously, this guy's HOT) who sent me a message that read "Hey honey, you're gorgeous. Send me your email and your phone number and we'll hit the town 'cus you want to with me."
and to which I responded:
"LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!! Uhm. No."
Scenario no 4:
Every single man who posts a photo of his stupid ass in a bar with his shirt unbuttoned down to his navel and with several (never only one) large tittied women hanging off his slimy, greasy body. Because NOTHING says "I want commitment" like maybe an alcohol fuelled orgy.
Scenario no 5:
Every single man whose profile picture is of him wearing sunglasses. (He probably calls them 'shades'.)
DUDE. You are not Tom Ford and the fact that you need to advertise just how cool you are makes you that much less cool. (And p.s. even Gerry Butler - who will always be way cooler than you - takes off his sunglasses when hitting on a woman. That's what I've been told.)
Scenario no 6:
The 78 year old men trolling for women aged 18 - 27 but making an "exception" for me.
Because there's nothing I love more than limpness. Thanks, grandpa.
Scenario no 7:
Every single man who has in his "name" any of the following:
lonely
prince
king
masculine
horny
perfect
hollatcha (I shit you not, ladies & gentlemen)
kitty
ImHot
CONGRATULATIONS
YouWillNeverKnow (nor do I ever plan on it)
Scenario no 8:
Every single man whose profile is all about finding a woman to "stand by me in my success and not work but stay at home and take care of me"
Scenario no 9:
All of the men who YELL IN THEIR PROFILES BECAUSE WHY BOTHER SPEAKING NORMALLY WHEN YOU CAN BE AN OBNOXIOUS IDIOT?
Scenario no 10:
This is a category all on its own. I was seeing a "boy" year before last - he wore a white fedora in winter because that was Montreal fashion. I can't even begin to excuse my behaviour, so I won't try. Let's chalk it up to 'I'm just an idiot'. Among The Girls, he will forever be known as The Pink Lady and that should tell you all you need to know about him.
That and the fact that his friend is on the same site as I. His friend, who sent me a message asking me if I was free and available and would go out with him but not tell The Pink Lady.
Wow.
********************
(1) I promise to keep you abreast of my escapades.
(2) Special mention: I met one really nice guy who has already become a friend. He's by far the coolest guy I've met so far and I plan on running past him The Crazy I encounter, and I hope he'll do the same. He has a puppy named The Peanut (well: not really, but I think that sounds great).
posted by just a girl at 12:29 PM
9 Comments:
oh, this is going to be SOMUCHFUN!
We can share war stories! ugh.
LOL!!! OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU ON A DATING SITE???? This makes me feel like shit! How is it possible that you have to go on a dating site?
Your responses are fucking hilarious, Maha. Absolutely classic!!
Michelle are you going to share stories with us, too????
This is going to be so much fun!
hugs,
Maria
This is timely.
Over the past couple of months, assorted friends have suggested that I try online dating. I'm philosophically opposed to the idea ( for a variety of murky reasons) but since so many people, who don't know each other have advised me the same thing in a short period of time...Well, it's hard to not think there must be something to it.
But, after what you shared ( piss-worthy it was), I don't think I can do it. It would depress me and kill the little faith I have in humanity and make me even more bitter ( yes, it's possible. There's more bitterness out there I don't yet embody)
Good God, Michelle - are you also doing this? *drone* I believe one of my other girlfriends is doing match.com, so we may all have some pretty exciting stories once all of the dust settles :)
Maria - every one should do this. You would be so surprised at how many people are doing this! I've spoken with so many people who are currently doing this and others who have already done all of this...one of them is now having a baby with her boy (Aalya, married now to Dietrich who she met on lavalife), Shawn is marrying Kelly this summer (lavalife) and Lori and Sean are living together.
There's ups and downs, pros and cons on-line, but you sort of get to 'build' your ideal and then go from there.
I have more trouble dating than most...so...it's pretty normal for me to be online, after the shit storm I survived last year. I just think it's time for me to put myself out there >> which is something I've never done before.
Oddly enough, my first ever love, who I will write about soon enough, is currently looking out for me (both he and his wife!).
Fingers crossed ;)
Alex DO NOT DESPAIR!!!! Honestly, it's not worth it...notice the shit storm I just mentioned. Well - I lived through it with the support of many beautiful and amazing people and I would do it all over again (not with the same man, never, but I would do it all over again with another man, because I still believe in love stories AS SHOULD YOU!
I'm yelling because you are a beautiful hilarious woman with a crack fetish. You're an ideal and you too should be placing yourself out there - I would encourage you to also join one of these fun sites and just enjoy it! You have NOTHING to loose and everything to gain...and there's this wonderful thing called a BLOCK button where you can block all of the losers.
Trust me, it's good.
And why not?
Don't be bitter! Don't be bitter - you're too good to be bitter. Really and honestly, you're too damn good. Bitterness is for people who are to be pitied and you are NOT one of them. I know...I read you often and I KNOW your heart is too big.
And you know what else, Alex? (Can I call you that?) When you're bitter you're actually sending energy out to the person/s who gave you cause to be bitter...and that just empowers their energy. SO DON'T BE BITTER. If you can 't NOT right now for you, then do it just to pull the fucking rug out from underneath the unworthy.
You're a jewel...jewels are dulled by bitterness and you are anything but dull :o)
many many many his to you all...but one bigger and stronger squeeze tonight to Alexandra :)
xox
m
I wrote: "many many many his to you all"
When I meant: "many many many hugs to you all"
:)
m
I can tell this is going to be highly entertaining and I'm looking forward to hearing stories from the women who comment also.
Maha, how do you define a 'Believer'? Do you mean a Muslim man or someone who believes in God? Honestly, I find it difficult to believe that you have difficulty dating, and I am uncertain as to how it's possible that no man has already picked you up for the rest of your life. Unbelievable........
Thomas
Best of luck, Maha! Unfortunately I got tired of previous attempts to find someone special by this method, but I know it's worked for other people, so here's hoping
Paul
That makes sense, Maha. We're all entitled to have our baselines and most people would choose vanity before values. By that I mean most people would tell you they like a certain look more than the value system of an individual.
I also appreciate your idea that a person needs to make an informed decision. I used to think that went without saying but I have discovered that this is not something to be taken for granted. Too many people fall short of it unfortunatelyt.
I hope you got the blog fixed and you;re having a great weekend.
Thomas
Does meeting your soulmate through blogging count as online dating? I tested the scary waters of online dating sites, and after 2swims in the murkiness, I decided they weren't for me.
Not being in a hurry, I concentrated on doing my thing, being a mom, going to work, writing. And one day, he was randomly reading blogs and came across something in mine that compelled him to leave a comment, and the rest is history. We're now engaged and living the most glorious lond-distance courtship ever. :) I am trying not to pepper this comment with smiley faces and exclamation marks, cause I'm so happy!!!!!
If it wasn't for YOUR blog, Maha, I never would've had the courage to start MY blog, and to have reaped the benefits of not only growing as a human being and fulfilling unknown potential in myself, but of also meeting my true companion. Merci, ma belle....
And this post was freaking hilarious!!!!!!!!
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