What do you do?
A quandary for you to weigh in on.
Your boyfriend's friend is dating someone - she happens to be the first one of this guy's girlfriends that you really really like (you may even like her more than your boyfriend's friend, but I won't tell anyone). She's funny, honest, caring, kind of wicked in all senses of the word; you have a lot in common and you were excited that there would be a new friend in your life.
And then your boyfriend's friend and her break up.
What do you do? Especially if...you really want her to be a friend in your life, but you've not spoken to her and you don't know how she'll react if you contact her?
(I'll give you my answer once you've provided yours; one of The Girls is currently experiencing this dilemma and we all have different opinions, so I thought I'd put it to those who live here.)
Your boyfriend's friend is dating someone - she happens to be the first one of this guy's girlfriends that you really really like (you may even like her more than your boyfriend's friend, but I won't tell anyone). She's funny, honest, caring, kind of wicked in all senses of the word; you have a lot in common and you were excited that there would be a new friend in your life.
And then your boyfriend's friend and her break up.
What do you do? Especially if...you really want her to be a friend in your life, but you've not spoken to her and you don't know how she'll react if you contact her?
(I'll give you my answer once you've provided yours; one of The Girls is currently experiencing this dilemma and we all have different opinions, so I thought I'd put it to those who live here.)
posted by just a girl at 4:01 PM
16 Comments:
Depends on the break up, man! My first instinct is to find out if she hates the ex or not, because that could define how she's going to react to you contacting her! I mean, she may not want to have anything to do with his friends which kind of sucks because it's so hard to find and meet good people. BUT, if she's a really nice person, like a REALLY nice person with a big ass heart, then she should be smart enough to differentiate between the ex boyfriend and the girlfriend of one of his friends...cus it's not like a direct link, but one sort of removed. The fact that it's same sex makes it easier, too.
I say tell your friend to contact her and ask her for coffee - if your girlfriend liked her that much then chances are she really liked her back. Tell her to go for it >> best case scenario: she gains a friend. Worst case scenario: nothing changes in her life. -lily
That's a toughie. Depends on the guy, too, though. What if he's not comfortable with your friend getting in touch with his ex?
Mind you, unless she beat the shit out of him or cheated on him, he doesn't have a reason to tell you who you can / can't have as a friend. As a courtesy to both the girl and your boyfriend's friend, just don't bring them together at events.
Wait! What about your girlfriend's boyfriend? He may not be too cool with your girlfriend contacting his friend's ex. That would sort of make him a shit, though, trying to tell your girlfriend who her friends can be.
I don't even know why this is about the men - tell your girlfriend that she should email / call the girl. Let the men deal with their own shit and she gets a new friend in the process. I agree with lily...your girlfriend has nothing to loose in this situation and unless the girl's a complete fucking moron, she won't blame your girlfriend for anything.
hugs,
Maria
Sorry that was me Maria CALVO. I forgot the rest of my name ;)
They're two separate people and your friend likely has an understanding of the maturity level of the woman. If she's mature, then she should contact her. If not, and she expects the woman to be a child about it (i.e. is rude to your friend because of her relation to the ex) then tell her not to bother.
Maria and Lily - I doubt that the guy (the link. so Maha's friend's boyfriend) would be uneasy. Most guys I know wouldn't be uneasy and chances are that if Maha's friend liked the girl that's now an ex then her boyfriend liked her too. He shouldn't give her any grief.
Thomas
1. Good friends are hard to find. Keep them when you find one.
2. You can never have too many friends. You can certainly have too few.
3. No one else can tell us who we should or shouldn't be friends with. Those people clearly don't know how to be friends.
4. People that tell us they won't be our friend if we're friends with someone else clearly aren't our friends anyway.
5. Friendships aren't always comfortable. Going through the uncomfortable stuff always makes the friendship more worthwhile at the other end.
So the main concern is how the ex-girlfriend (EG) will react, and not the boyfriend's friend (BFF)?
If I had already built up a friendship with the EG, prior to her breakup with the BFF, then I wouldn't see any reason to kill it, only a need to be thoughtful about event invitations and such (presuming the breakup was less than amicable).
But if I wasn't already on friendship terms and all interaction with her had been through the BFF, then...I'd let it go. It's hard enough to see my existing circle of friends as much as I'd like.
But maybe there's something really special about her and she can be a total B.F.F. (as opposed to being the BFF's EG, hah), in which case, your friend should call up the EG and see if she wants to meet up for drinks/coffee to shoot the shit as she was dismayed to hear about the EG/BFF breakup and concerned about how the EG was dealing with things.
Let things go from there.
All that said, like others, my first thought would not be "Would the EG find this weird?", but, rather, "Would my being friends with the EG make the BFF feel uncomfortable or somehow betrayed?" Or, as a complication, how would this affect the relationship with the Boyfriend, via possibly alienating his friend? If it was a bad breakup, I think he'd be well within his rights to expect solidarity.
I agree with everyone else. Tell your friend to contact her, but also tell her that she will have to be prepared to hear the EG's (thank you, Chestery) side of the story in terms of the break up. Then that way, they will be able to be real friends - if the relationship was anything near substantial, then the fall out from it will have a relative place in the EG's life.
If your girlfriend is prepared to have an honest and good friendship with the EG, then part of that will be understanding her side of the relationship's demise. It's how adults should behave.
Haya
So what did your friend decide to do????
Maria
I would contact her. She is basically the ex of a friend of a friend. You would be removed enough from the situation that you shouldn't be associated too closely with the ex-boyfriend so she shouldn't have a problem with it and if she does, big deal. So you tried to be friends and it didn't work. And you don't have to bring her round your boyfriend and his friend, so that should keep the peace. BUT if the boyfriend's friend has actually become your friend, then it is a problem-in that case you would be wanting to be friends with your friend's ex.
B
I agree with the others - I too think your friend should contact the ex girlfriend. If she made enough of an impression to spark this conversation, then chances are that she's a good enough person to contact. Let us know what happens, please :)
love,
Colleen
I would definately contact the ex girlfriend. Just because the male friend "X'ed" her so-to-speak, doesn't mean your friend has to!
I had a similar experience three times this week regarding being friends with an ex of my friends.
In each case, I opened the door of communication with the person who was at any risk (right or wrong) of being hurt, in this case the boyfriend. After all, you are his friend too so his feelings should count some.
So ask him how he feels and see what he says. Only a slim chance he will not clear it. But more importantly, he will also feel important to you and you can happily have both with no hard feelings.
Anonymos wrote this "So ask him how he feels and see what he says. Only a slim chance he will not clear it. But more importantly, he will also feel important to you and you can happily have both with no hard feelings."
Yeah I think I agree there because the important GUY here is your friend's boyfriend. He should be smart enough to be able to handle this....and probably if your friend liked this girl enough, then he liked her equally, you know?
My girlfriends and I ewre talking about this and we think that the ONLY way the ex-boyfriend wouldn't want your friend to contact his ex-girlfriend is if he didn't want your friend finding shit out. People lie SO MUCH during a break up that he MAY have said some things that weren't true about her so he could place more blame on her. It's possible...I'm just sayin'...
hugs,
Maria wondering when the fuck you're going to finally tell us what you think!!!!! :oP
hey Dita, nice picture!!
Seriously? You're all wicked wicked wicked...I love it.
So - my Girl contacted the ex after reading your comments and we discussed some more.
She DID in fact discuss it with her boyfriend first. Needless to say, he was equally excited that she was to contact this ex girlfriend because he really likes her too! He wanted to go out with them, which they did last night, but my Girl decided it was best to ease into this and go out with the ex alone at first.
They had their date last night.
And had a spectacular time!
But - my Girl opened up the subject of the break up and asked for the ex's side of the story. That way, they were able to clear the air about a few things and start honest. It seemed to make the ex girlfriend at ease -- I told my Girl to say "I just want to give you the opportunity to tell me what happened, because I don't want you thinking I am holding something against you or above your head...just tell me your side of the story and we can start fresh...if you want".
(I made her memorize it. She did.)
The ex girlfriend was grateful for the opportunity and they did talk about the break up.
And then they moved on...and had a pretty spectacular night, apparently.
Next time, they're having dinner with my Girl's boyfriend as well, as he wants to hang out with the ex as well.
Naturally, they will keep the exes apart, and they'll cross those bridges when they need to.
Thank you to everyone for their advice.
And to anonymous who had to do this three times in one week. WOW. Kudos to you and your partner - sounds like you two have an excellent and healthy relationship with just the right amount of communication. It also sounds like your friends need to get their shit together and stop breaking up with good women ;) (THREE? eep!)
hugs to all,
M
How awesome! Did the ex girlfriend tell your girlfriend stuff that shed light on what the boyfriend's friend said? Did he lie or twist the truth?
US GIRLS HAVE TO STICK TOGETHER! Most of us do, anyway? ;)
hugs,
Maria
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