Big Hair Dork

Please note how pleased I am with myself, proudly displaying my Krav Maga Certificate:

I am giggly and happy because I didn’t know my hair had done that, whatever that may have been.

See that everyone else’s hair looks relatively normal? And yet no one, not even my best friend, thought it appropriate to mention I looked like Medusa just crawled through The Commando Bush to get to the photo op, but FIRST! Stopped at the Texan hair salon where she had her hair teased and aerosol sprayed just so.

And remember: Nothing says self defense like a weird little loop of ‘is that really her hair?’ hair over one’s left shoulder.

DO YOU SEE MY HAIR?

WHAT IS THAT LOOP?
I’LL TELL YOU! IT’S JUST. WEIRD. AND AWKWARD.

Moments before this was taken, T had been pulling on my hair (a common tactic used by men when they are attacking women). At one point she stopped and said: “your hair”, but I thought she was merely making a point because I’d just had my hair coloured the day prior.

T has a wicked habit of thinking outside her own head (& I love her for it), and so I merely assumed she was talking to her self. Little did I know it was a “WTF” kind of observation rather than a simple and appreciative one on my newly coloured – shade of red, please – hair.

(Of special interest: It was T who took this photo. Seriously…her hair was perfect.)

Krav Maga

Krav Maga is the defensive tactic used by the Israeli Defense Forces.

It is of mixed martial arts and is meant to help you defend your ass against Palestinians attacking peoples.

My best friend and I did a four hour seminar today. The techniques taught were as follow:
- Defending yourself when someone is coming at you with a knife.
- Responding to someone who comes up from behind and grabs you.
- Defense against someone pulling your hair and not just your hairdresser.
- Defending yourself when you fall to the ground, as this photo indicates (it’s either that, or I’m learning how to Aggressive Break Dance):

- When someone points a gun at you.
- When you’re laid out on your back and the bastard’s on top of you.
- When someone’s trying to choke you.

Needless to say, it was pretty intense. T & I were, like, the only two commando girls in the room, actually fighting one another and not merely going through the motions. This, I can now prove because of the photo of us which T took at the end of the seminar; please note how maniacal I look with my hair a wee bit dishevelled due to the aggression through which T and I attacked the ‘practice’ manoeuvres:

We broke out in many sweats and were out of breath on several occasions.

We accidentally kicked one another in the groin, the thigh, the knee. We choked one another and we head-butted one another and kicked one another in the legs.

In other words, it was completely and totally wicked and worth every single second of the four hours practiced.

Self defense is no laughing matter, but there was a funny moment when we were asked to role play – something at which I am seriously shit – coming at one another with a knife and asking for money.

I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself. I also did a couple of really odd tap dance / pirouette moves that were not a part of any self defense strategy, but that I alone am certain would shock any potential assailant into a sense of humor.

I must admit that my favourite part of the session was when we got to practice against a live dummy. He came at us rather forcefully and we got to hit back even harder.

I.
Loved.
It.
Even when he had me on the ground and he was choking me.

There’s nothing I can tell you through the written word that would help you with the technique should you be in a situation where you need to defend yourself against an assailant (read: usually always a rapist).

What I can and will do is tell you the very simple reality that you must never fear your assailant. Become the aggressor in order to immobilize them enough to get your ass out of the situation and to a safe place.

And know that you only have a few moments to do just that.

React aggressively and immediately. Use everything you’ve got and hit as hard as you can. Scream, kick, bite – use everything you’ve got or expect to be raped and murdered.

The choice is clear.

Take a self defense course because assault does not happen to other people. It can happen to you; you are never the exception to any rule.

Obama mama fo mama! Fe fi fo ma ma! OBAMA!

“YES WE CAN, TOE THE LINE!”

Congratulations to Obama…

…and to the United States of America. This is one of the most important and brilliant days of your still young life, America, and it is one of which you should be proud – no matter which nominee you supported.

Bravo.