As those of you who live here know, I am a relative non-dater. I’ve always been able to do without, and unlike some RoboDaters I know, I’ve never been one for a relationship either. When the few have happened in the past, they’ve developed organically and they’ve been good – the very small number of men I have dated remain good men and I wouldn’t trade the experience of getting to know them for anything in this world.

It’s never been about quantity, but rather quality, and it most definitely has never been about a need to fill space and time in my life. That I am giving you my loser advice is just so that you may have a little food for thought this evening.

Recently, a girlfriend of mine started dating a new man. He is, for all intents and purposes, a good man. An honest man; a ‘stand-up’ kind of guy who doesn’t play games or open doors that he never plans to address ever again. He is the kind of boy you hope your best friend will become acquainted with…

But – and I write ‘but’ with hesitation – he has, according to her, one very serious flaw and it is that: He spends much too much time with his friends and he has made a point of making clear that his friends are more important to him than she is at the moment. He’s also made clear that should things change in the shape of their relationship, then that too will change. (I wrote ‘according to her’ because they have only been dating a few weeks and this short period does not, should not, can not, and will never trump the years of friendship that any individual has built, nurtured, nourished and maintained. Male or female, there are priorities; friends are among those priorities.)

Look. This guy isn’t spending 6 nights a week with his boys in bars (and if he were, then just fkn walk already and stop complaining; that you choose to remain in said situation is your problem and not his and only the best of humanity behaves in non-typical fashion. The sad reality is that most both men and women will try to take a mile where you offer an inch; taking advantage of one another is a brutal reality that we each face every day…the only thing you can do is ensure that you do your best to avoid doing that to someone when opportunity presents itself (and it always will)).

What he is, is he is spending an ample amount of time with his new girlfriend and he is also spending an ample amount of time with his friends. Because – unless the scenario shifts into one of true love and commitment – the new boyfriend / girlfriend exist on the outside of the circle. His friends are the circle closest to him (and if he is a decent man, then so too is his family) and you exist beyond that. That changes if and when he chooses to change it, or it may simply change on its own (read: organically).

If you have a problem with that reality, then you need to find a different man.
Personally, I think it’s pretty sexy when a man is fiercely loyal to his friends because that means that should there one day be a shift in your relationship, then he will be as fiercely loyal to you as he currently is to his friends.

This is not to say that should there be a crisis in your life, he tells you he can’t see you or talk to you or be there for you because he’s playing football with his friends that night. Naturally, there are limits (and if you’re dating a boy who would do that, then again: the problem is yours and you need to cut your losses).

Almost as importantly as the above, you should remember that his friends – just as your friends have and continue to do so – have contributed to the man that he has become. They have contributed to the man you may one day fall in love with, and you need to respect that. You need to respect them and their presence in his life. (Another caveat is that: if they turn out to be shits who don’t in turn respect you or your presence in his life, then that’s a whole other scenario you must eventually address. But a strong man, a good man who is in love with you – if that turns out to be the case – would never stand for anyone disrespecting you, just as you should never stand for anyone disrespecting the man you love. Loving one another must amount to seeing and treating one another as giants (and letting the imperfections of one another be a part of that ‘giant’esse, since no one is perfect).

Now. If you operate on the reality that as soon as he walks into your world, you immediately do away with your friends and wait wait wait wait for him to call you so that you may get out there and do something, then you’re not a very nice friend to your own circle and if I were a man, I’d watch for that behaviour and wonder how and why, if you can’t be loyal to your own circle, I would ever expect you to be so loyal to me. Unfair as it may be, it’s a gut reaction that can’t be denied.

Ultimately, you are not a priority until you are. And when you are, then you need to still respect the importance of his friends and shouldn’t be a jealous super freak of them; imagine what you would call your best friend’s new partner if he didn’t want you coming over…or taking a weekend away with your best friend…or heading out for a night. Imagine what you would call him? I know what I would call him…and it’s not a very pleasant thing. Don’t be that person and get a hobby instead.

The euphoria of a new relationship can not equal the denial of existing ones, no matter how exciting and loving and intriguing your new relationship may be. Because should this new relationship fall apart, it is your closest circle of friends who will gather you from the dirty floor and tuck you in every night until you heal & heel. Remember that, always.

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Note 1: The above is not to say that a year into the relationship, if there’s been no change or shift in the dynamic between you and him and his friends, you shouldn’t walk – the decision is yours and you lay out the groundwork accordingly in terms of what you’re willing to “tolerate”. Just consider the above a perspective that’s all too often lost when you are watching romantic movies and reading romance novels. Keep it in mind when you’re getting to know a new man and are existing within that awkward state of ‘dating’ when you have no idea wtf is going on. Should and when you have enough, then cut your losses and walk away without hesitation and without once looking back and remember that that is the very definition of grace.

Note 2: None of the above stands for a hurtful man who uses his friends to hurt you…who goes out of his way to point out that you’re not as important as his friends in a passive aggressive way. That’s just an asshole, plain and simple. All forms of passive aggression are shit and shouldn’t be allowed into your life (unless you’re an asshole, too). The above only stands for the good men you meet > you know who they are, and those of them reading this will also know who they are…

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