Lately, I've had to think a lot about how you forgive someone who hasn't asked for forgiveness. I've not worried about whether they
think they owe me an apology, because my concern here is what goes on in
my head and how that behaviour then translates on to those I care about.
I've finally realised that the answer is simple, even if the process to reach this answer has taken me an excruciating amount of time
plus the energy of days spent writing this entry. Admittedly, this entry is a little all over the place and without clear lines because forgiving someone who has not asked for forgiveness has no clear lines, either.
Back to the subject matter at hand: I only now understand that the reason I couldn't find the answer was because I was asking the wrong question. I was asking
how can I forgive?, when I should have been asking
what is it that I have to forgive?
This confused me and hurt me and forced me to relive some of the ugliest moments in my life because, quite honestly, there are some actions that are: unforgivable. Your self respect - never here to be confused with pride - kicks the shit out of your stomach every time the thought of forgiveness enters your mind, your rationale rages against the forgiveness, your heart sobs when it even considers it and your entire body is shaken by the mere thought of the acts in question. The consequences
of these acts can only be described as what a nuclear bomb would feel like if it were to go off inside of our bodies.
That's what happened to you; that's what you're trying to forgive...complicated and made uglier and more hurtful (I didn't think that could happen after a nuclear bomb, but it can) by the fact that the individual who has committed these acts has not acknowledged, has not owned, has not addressed the acts in question. And they've been presented with the opportunity to do so. They've been presented with it and yet, they have not done it. They have not apologised, for whatever excuse they have found to justify their lack of involvement. They believe they are
above the apology. And by default, that then makes you unworthy of that apology. And
that default, created and sitting somewhere in the back of their mind has absolutely
nothing to do with the reality of you.
So. What if no one thinks enough of you to apologise? How do you forgive someone who hasn't asked for your forgiveness? How do you forgive this nuclear bomb that went off inside of your body and its residue?
Simple.
You disassociate the action from the antagonist.
You forgive the latter and you dismiss the former because it had nothing to do with you and because what you are forgiving is their weakness of character rather than their action. Forgive them because we are not born with this intention to hurt. Afford them that allowance, and nothing more ever again. Because this allowance,
this allowance is huge and it should be the last one they ever receive from you.
And then: you must cut them out of your life, completely.
(Don't harbour ill will toward them because then it's as though you never really forgave. Carrying it with you hurts you more than anyone else, and the bottom line is: it's over. Don't be bitter about it. Just accept that you've walked away and end it there. Ultimately, in situations such as this, there are no winners.)
It's the combination of the act and their lack of apology that amounts to their losing the very real privilege of having you in their life in any capacity. That they were given the opportunity to apologize - short of you screaming into their face I NEED YOU TO APOLOGIZE TO ME - is what makes the situation and the environment one to which you can never return. And this is so difficult to face, it is so difficult to swallow, even
if you're the one doing the walking. But you have to do it or you will always be incapable of demanding the respect that you are owed; and if you couldn't demand that respect after a nuclear bomb went off inside of your body
and the individual didn't have the decency to apologize, then
nothing is owed to you. And
this is the consequence of your behaviour if you choose to go back to
that environment in any capacity.
This -
the loss of you - is the cost and consequence of that nuclear bomb
plus their weakness that is their on-going and continuous inability, refusal,
whatever, to not offer the apology.
There is only so much we can take. There is only so much we can put up with. And there is only so much room we can use to make excuses for others and for ourselves.
Because, when they ceased understanding responsibility and accountability and honesty where you were concerned, that was the moment that you no longer became accessible, whether you realised it or not.
Because, you are always deserving of an apology and when that apology doesn't come, then that lack of accessibility to you becomes tangible, and this is where you realise it. It's in this moment that sheets of ice water come at you and you are
forced to face the disrespect that has been levelled at you. It is in
this moment that you have to take a stand. And trust me, I have fought this moment and I have tried to argue myself out of this moment, but the ice water has become unbearable and my self respect finally told me that I either man up or I bitch out, and I'd like to think that the only bitches I have in my life are dogs...and I don't own any of them, either.
Why apologise?
Because, we are beholden to one another and the apology is the respect we show that reality and those we hold dear. And when someone doesn't apologize, it means they
don't respect you and
that means that all bets are off.
Because, we don't have the right to belittle the pain of others. And if someone is hurting because of us, then we owe them that apology.
We owe it. And only the self-involved and arrogant would argue against that reality, and I don't much like for Ayn Rands in my life.
Even when, we don't think the apology makes sense: We. Should. Issue it.
Because, kindness to one another is all we have in the end.
And it is what allows us to sleep with pure hearts; it is what allows others to be at ease in our presence; it is what allows us to
open our hearts to others.
Most importantly, the apology is what tells us that
that individual has taken a moment to place themselves in our shoes. It shows that they care about us enough to think twice about what they've done. And when someone doesn't do that, then it means they don't care. And it means, you're not worth the second thought and it speaks volumes about your character if you let someone like that back into your life when they have crossed too many lines to name.
Because the slots in your life that are saved for friends are slots better spent elsewhere. This lack of apology has rendered
this individual: unworthy. Period.
But.
But, the only way you can make the above statements without any level of hypocrisy is when you issue your apologies
without hesitation, when they are immediate and unadulterated. It is
only when you respect the pain of others that you are allowed to make the above demands of them. Note the word 'respect', because those who don't apologize are the people who don't respect us. (And I will always hold fast to my belief that the level of respect we show others is a direct extension and reflection of how much we respect our selves.)
And that is the way that I have always operated and it is the way I will continue to operate because it is one of the things that makes me a
good person. I own my actions. I own my situations,
each and every one of them. And I do not shy away from my responsibility to others.
That's not to say I haven't fucked up on colossal levels, because I have. What it is, is it is to say that I issue my apologies
immediately, because I don't have the right, I
don't have the right to hurt someone and then not issue that apology. I don't have that right.
And neither do you. And so: it
really is that simple.
Forgive their weakness of character. And then, turn around and walk away because you don't owe respect to those who offer you nothing but disrespect.
To those of you who would harbour ill will toward someone after you have made the choice to forgive them, just remember that people aren't born with the intention to inflict pain. It's not how we're built, but rather what we become because of the choices we made in the past. And it is what we can cease to be in a moment if we so choose.
In a moment, if we so choose.
Harbouring that bitterness only edges you closer to a world of greater pain, resentment and defensives. You build walls because you're too scared to be hurt again - but you
will be hurt again, no matter what you do. It's a part of life and it's a part of the
pleasure of this life because it's in these brutal moments of pain and hurt and in the way you overcome them that
your character is defined. And here, you have a choice. You either face this life or you run from it. You either challenge it or you succumb to it. You either rule it or you are ruled by it.
Just like the choice to own your shit and apologise for it. You either own and define it, or it owns and defines you.
And two final notes to those of you who would not apologize: First, that the only people who are capable of hurting us on the level of a nuclear bomb are people who are close to us. Sometimes, they may be the closest to us - and so
you know. You
know us and you
know that your actions hurt us.
You don't today and you will never in the future have the luxury of saying "I didn't know". Second, understand that you are not perfect and your refusal to apologize has a particular stink of arrogance about it. Issuing an apology would be admitting to a mistake and a mistake means that you are less than perfect. And to be flawed is not what a 'perfect' person is, but
trust in the fact that you were never perfect, that you are currently far far far from it and you will always remain just
that far away. You might be well to not confuse confidence with the emotional retardation brought on by too much pride.
12 Feb 2008; Edit to add this link.Labels: Rules
