I'm Out of Touch

Hi all - okay...

(1) For those of you new to me, please understand that the mobile is perhaps the bane of my existence. I rarely have it on and check my voicemail perhaps once every two weeks. Last year, and for reasons beyond my control, I had to make myself accessible as best as possible.

Now that I no longer have to do that, it also means that my response time has slowed.

Please don't feel ignored...it's not you, it is most definitely me...

(2) I've not been blogging much because I've had a super crazy schedule and I am planning a super busy summer. Trips to NYC, Vermont, Toronto, Montreal, Washington, (perhaps) Thailand, definitely the Azores, all forthcoming.

Now that curling is over, I am back to boxing once a week. In five weeks' time, boxing will be upped to twice a week. (Please note: this is not faerie boxing, nor is it kick nor muay. It. Is. Boxing. And it beats the shit out of your body.)

I try to have dinner with only one friend a week, but that's turning a little impossible, so now it's two a week.

C and I will be training to run a 5k in mid-June. This is a first for both of us and so terribly exciting and awkward and hilarious.

I will be taking my first sailing classes in July / August.

I will also be taking care of a very specific region in mama's garden. (More on this in the future months as it is a very big deal for me.)

I am maybe going to try rowing, depending on whether the schedule fits my own. Neither for competition nor dragon boating, but simply rowing. I hear it's excellent for your arms and shoulders...and those are two key muscle groups for girls.

So all this to say that I am currently a little busy. Not to mention that I still have books to read.

If I am out of touch, please know that I'm not ignoring you; it's only that I'm living a perhaps-to-you-but-not-to-me hectic schedule. There are only 27 hours in my day and I enjoy making the most of them. "Idle" = "lazy" and though that's an excellent way to pass maybe two days a month, it is no way to live a life. (At least not mine.)

(3) Please visit following album sets to see what's been happening.

As promised previously, photos of Sophia and I have been uploaded (simply click on the picture):


Aalya / Sophia's baby shower photos linked here:


Muslims, They're Just Like You! They Shovel Snow! (Click the picture to see what has buried Ottawa this past winter, and also to check out my stellar shoveling outfit that consists of pyjamas, mama's panda bear coat, her boots and her headband.)


More to come (including the images from my trip to the Middle East this past December).
xox to each...

Babies are collapsible as well as spring-loaded

Please say hello to my niece Sophia:



Whose papa called me a few hours after the above photo was taken on March 8th, 2008, to leave me the following message:

"hi maha it's dietrich and i just wanted to let you know that our baby sophia was born early this morning at about twenty to one a.m. and she's a beautiful baby girl and she's very happy and she has dark curly hair and long eyelashes and her mother's nose - lucky her. And she's just wonderful and she was 7 pounds and 13 oz and her and Aalya are doing just fine they are sleeping here in front of me right now and they're both just so beautiful (voice cracks) and we wanted to let you know and we can't wait to see you as soon as we get home. Bye bye."

I started crying.

After a C-Section / See-Section / Sea-Section (because, really, all of them could arguably apply), mama was satiated and calmed and bonding with baby Sophia:



As was papa:



These next two photos break my heart because while I was carrying her, this is how she looked



and she was collapsible as is apparent in this photo



Funny this, that she is spring-loaded. When you tap Sophia's little round belly her arms flip out and up, much like The dude crucified in the image of Jesus. I couldn't stop myself poking and watching the spring load.

I am in love with Sophia and I think it'll be so much fun to grow one of my own, inshallah. (Pics of her and I forethcoming.)

Gone Green: My New Friends

Unlike mama, I've never been one for foliage. I've tried having plants in the past, but like my goldfish, I've killed them all.

Last year, I took an interest in a situation that had an interest in plants and gardens, which led me to a thorough enjoyment of Green and all of the chemistry involved within. It also made me ask some questions about Islam and nature / environment and I was quite satiated to find that there are over 700 verses in the Quran that discuss the environment, our link to it, and our duty to protect it. Furthermore, there are many hadiths that discuss Muhammad's (pbuh) many references to nature, my favourite being: "Whoever plants a tree and looks after it with care, until it matures and becomes productive, will be rewarded in the Hereafter" because I need all the help I can get in my effort to make it to Heaven and so if there's anything I can do to give me a better grade, I'm all over it. (I'm so excited to share with you my recent discovery that I'm almost hyperventilating; Please click here.)

Since arriving in my new place of work, I've been looking at my office space and noticing that it's missing Green.

I made My New Friends over three weeks ago and I'm still scared because I don't want to kill Them. Luckily, it appears that it's only Penelope who seems to be going to sleep - quite likely never to wake up again. In my defence, I believe I was over-reaching when I decided to purchase a phalaenopsis amabilis. (Two words that I can't pronounce but provide me the aura of a Hogwarts student and who doesn't want that?)

I have looked up and studied care instructions because not only do I not want to kill My New Friends, but I don't want to hurt Them, either.

A couple of tricks I've learned from television, such as: chatting with My New Friends in the mornings. I come in relatively early and so there's no one around to hear me as I tell My New Friends about my evenings. I even purchased a spritzer / schwooscher that mists out water, because that's what They enjoy. Isn't that great? The woman who introduced me to Them for an arm and a leg said "mist their leaves. The leaves like that". After paying very close attention to the sounds made by the leaves, I can now confirm that They are a composite of really small beings that laugh and giggle when it mists all over them exactly the opposite of me, because mist makes my hair fizzy. In case you're wondering, I mist Them each morning as we have our chat.

Please wave to:

Penelope, my Orchid (Phalaenopsis amabilis)


Hussy, my Calla Lily (Zantedeschia aethiopica)


Kuan-Yin, my Chinese Evergreen (Aglaonema pseudobracteatum)


If you stand next to the sunshine, they'll wave back at you (except perhaps Kuan-Yin who prefers his quiet and usually in the dark 'alone' time).

'Sin' means 'tooth' in the Arabic language

This is something new; I've received quite a few emails quite recently asking what Muslims believe about Hell. Specifically, people are interested in knowing if - like Christians - Muslims believe that everyone but them goes to Hell. (Perhaps this question is due to the latest and greatest list of sins that will send you to Hell, as just published by The Church.)

The answer to the Question is: No, Muslims do not believe that everyone but them goes to Hell.
Muslims also don't believe that by virtue of you being a Muslim, you are guaranteed a place in Heaven immediately.

Where you end up is based on your behaviour in this world. It's a simple equation: If you believe in the unity of God in all things ('there is no god but God', which is not, by any stretch, exclusive to Muslims) + if your good deeds outweigh your bad deeds, you're going to Heaven. We don't believe in purgatory (it's either Heaven or Hell) and so if your bad deeds outweigh your good, then you pay your dues in Hell and then when you've served your time, you go to Heaven.

When one thinks about it, it's actually pretty difficult to land your ass in Hell, according to Islam. (No doubt, when one reads the Quran and compares it to either the Torah or the Bible, the God presented within the Quran is a much kinder, gentler, friendlier, forgiving and merciful One than the one presented in the other Books. (Don't just take my word for it; read the Books and compare for yourself in an effort to form your own opinions.) For a Muslim, the answer as to 'why' this is the case is simple: It's because the other books once did have this same representation of God - until the actual texts themselves were edited to meet political, social, cultural, and gender-specific agendas driven by men. More importantly, as a Muslim, you believe that the Quran is the literal word of God and it's this text that we trust in more than others (literal word of God, yes, though it's our duty to recognise that much of the text is written in metaphor - something stated within the Quran itself)).

Of note is that Muslims believe that everyone eventually ends up in Heaven except for the non-Believers. (If you tell someone you don't love them, would you expect them to take you to their bed? If you don't love God, why would you expect Him to take you to his most precious place? Ultimately, in Islam, when one turns from God, one turns from Love - 'L' as Plato would express. But if you're an atheist, this doesn't matter because you don't believe in Heaven or Hell and so I don't even know why you're still reading. And I a have here just created a terrible analogy between Heaven and someone's bed, God forgive me.)

And even then, most all Muslims accept the fact that God's mercy is complete and unbound and so the statement of "...except for non-Believers" has to end with "W'Allahu a'llam".

Aside no1: For those of you currently reading the Quran in English - remember that you're reading an interpretation and not a translation. To truly understand the Quran, it must be read in Arabic. Sorry - it's just the way it goes, since translation is tainted by time and subject. The interpreted translation written today will differ from that which will be written in ten years from now whereas the Quran is as it was 1400 years ago, is as it will be 1400 years from today. This is why those who convert are usually interested in learning Arabic eventually (because, honestly, why would you ever rely on secondary sources when the primary source is available, if only you did the work?).

Before you say it, let me write a pre-emptive note to your thought: Les Miserables reads better in French, and Habermas actually makes more sense in German (or so I'm told), so chill out with the rhetoric about 'why Arabic? Arabs are trying to maintain a monopoly on and thus create a hierarchy in Islam' because Arabs only make up 21% of the world's Muslim population and (1) you don't need to learn Arabic in order to become a Muslim, and (2) no one expects you to learn Arabic after you become a Muslim, unless you're engaged enough and interested enough to do learn of your own desire to do so. Not to mention the fact that the two other Books were not sent to us in Arabic, but rather Hebrew and Aramaic. So seriously: chill.

Aside no2: 'Islam' is the name of the tradition. 'Muslim' is the title of the individual practicing the tradition: The Muslim Ummah (all Muslims the world over as one nation (never to be confused with the movement of supremacy known as The Nation of Islam) barring citizenship, and thus erasing the concept of nation State) is spoken of in the masculine, because Arabic - as with French - talks of a group in the masculine if 99 of them are women and only one of them is a man. 'Muslimah' is the female of the word 'Muslim', hence why I am a Muslimah.

Thanks for your questions! They're really interesting and thought provoking.

**********

Sin = One single tooth
Sini = My tooth
Sinak = Your tooth (if you are a boy and you are present)
Sinoh = His tooth (if he is absent)
Sinik = Your tooth (if you are a girl and you are present)
Sinha = Her tooth (if she is absent)

Snaan = All teeth
Snaani = My teeth
Snaanak = Your teeth (if you are a boy and you are present)
Snaanoh = His teeth (if he is absent)
Snaanik = Your teeth (if you are a girl and you are present)
Snaanha = Her teeth (if she is absent)

etc. ad infinitum to the tip of the Arabic grammatical iceberg (& you thought French was complicated?).

Secretly wishing someone would "mist" Dr. Phil

.1. My body is still hibernating. It sees a potato and angels start singing.

.2. A "Bacetto" chocolate is not a Baci chocolate. They are both made by Perugina and they are both packaged in exactly the same way. They are also both hazelnut focussed.

Only: The Bacetto does not have a poorly translated and usually hilarious "fortune" within, leaving the chocolate eater to wonder if they accidentally chewed up and swallowed the paper fortune.

Don't be fooled and don't settle for anything short of a Baci.

.3. Someone gifted me "an aromatic spa refreshing facial mist [that is] ideal for toning the skin and awakening the senses!" (exclamation mark theirs not mine). It comes in a small spray bottle which one is meant to point at thine face and spray.

I did this and found it neither 'refreshing' nor 'misty', but rather aggressive and hostile.

I tried it several times, hoping I would soften and get used to the on-slough of spray. Only, the more I sprayed, the greater my recoil and shock at the force of the "mist", and the greater reason my skin will have to wrinkle as I scrunch it up in anticipation of the "pure essential oils of ORANGE & GRAPEFRUIT & natural GREEN TEA" (yelling theirs not mine). I was holding it up to my face this morning and I couldn't actually bring myself to mist; same paralysis I would encounter if I tried to bite myself (near impossible to draw blood unless you have psychological issues that would permit you to set aside your body's natural biological reaction to fight and ward off the potential hurt bla bla).

It may have to do with the fact that I sprayed a direct line into my left eye and nearly drowned myself in it because I forgot to close my eyes and my mouth and plug my nose.


.4. If you know an under-ten, please take them to see Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears A Who. It's one of the books I always gift under-tens and it's a message most adults could use to learn.

.5. I used to think Dr. Phil was good, until I watched a complete show around a month back and it hit me like a ton of bricks that: He's all about "owning your sh*t" and that this is a novelty in this day and age is the reason people like him so much.

So...essentially, the reason he's so popular is because we've turned into a society that does nothing more than enable crap behaviour, and when a normal thought pattern comes on to centre stage (such as: Own. Your. Sh*t.), we think it's some kind of miracle.

So. I'm officially removing my support for Dr. Phil because I think it's lame that we've propelled to stardom a dude who is selling what should be so obvious to anyone who thinks they are a functioning part of and contributor to a healthy society.

OWN IT, ALREADY. YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS BY NOW. IT SHOULD NOT BE YOUR END POINT, BUT YOUR FRIKING BASE-LINE. (And if you, for one second, believe that anything worth having can be found in a 42 minute show and without hard work and life-long commitment, then you're a bigger loser than...the biggest loser in the world.)

(It's like The Secret. It was NEVER a "secret". I'm rolling my eyes so hard that they look as though they belong in the head of the person sitting next to me and they've accidentally landed in my sockets and are trying to find their way out. Roll. Roll. Roll. Never. A. "Secret"!)

.6. In case you have yet to notice: I am intolerant today.

I once wrote: 'I believe in love, actually'

I still do; perhaps more so now than ever before.

(Please befriend a leprechaun and shed the weight of your bitterness on your way out...)

Books I am currently reading

Special Note no1: Upon completing the following, I will be settling down to read - and only read - "Cricket In A Fist". I can't read it with any other books as Naomi deserves my complete attention.

Note no2: If I've mentioned these books previously, it's only because I tend to read books two or three times in an effort to sink into them and take as most as I can.

Behaving Like Adults
Anna Maxtead

Bloodletting & Miraculous Cures: Stories
Vincent Lam

Dispatches
Michael Herr

My Mistress's Sparrow Is Dead: Great Love Stories, from Chekhov to Munro
Jeffrey Eugenides

Remember Me?
Sophie Kinsella

Soul On Ice
Eldridge Cleaver

The Dialectics of Secularization: On Reason and Religion
Joseph Ratzinger & Jurgen Habermas

The Path of Muhammad: A book on Islamic morals & ethics
Imam Birgivi (16th Century Islamic Mystiic)

The Trial
Franz Kafka

The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle: A Novel
Haruki Murakami

The Year of Living Biblically
A J Jacobs

Unity, as taught by Islam

"It became clear to him that every [species], although apparently a multiplicity - if one considered all its separate organs, senses and movements - was really a unity if seen in terms of that spirit which emanated from [the heart] and spread from there to all other organs.

He concluded that the spirit indwelling [all] species is a unity but divided among many hearts.

Considered in this way, [all] species [is] a single entity and its many members were as the many organs in one individual: thus, not a multiplicity but a unity."
- Ibn Tufail, "The Journey of the Soul" (a short 62 page story that may be one of the most important I've yet to read. A strong recommendation for you to order, read and reflect upon.)

********************
Philosopher Ibn Tufail is better known in the West as Abubacer, teacher of Averros, teacher of Avicenna. For those of you interested in philosophy, you already know that these are among the Greats. This short story is worth your time as it is considered a part of the foundation on which stood many of the later philosophers.

The Stand-Up Guy

His name is Daemon (Scott) Fairless, and he recently married Lyana, a beautiful and brilliant gynaecologist (as Scott says: "It's nice to have a shared interest") who I can't wait to squeeze next they're in Ottawa.

Scott was the first boy I ever loved, though I never told him that. I believe I loved Scott, but wasn't in love with him. Being the first boy I dated, it was complicated and unclear at the time.

We met while he was working as bartender at Oliver's on Carleton University's campus. He was 6'2" and quite possibly in the most prime shape of his life, considering how he describes his physique today ("fat" - I've seen recent pictures and he's anything but (not to mention that it is relatively difficult to be "fat" at his height)), with green eyes and sandy brown hair. He made me laugh to the point of peeing myself, was a reader and a boxer and so proved the most beautiful combination for my 22 year old self.

We were both children then and I loved him the only way a 22 year old Maha knew how: Stupidly and confusedly. We argued about religion - he was then an atheist, though now believes in God - and poetry. He read to me, we had dinner with his step-mum and father who called me "gregarious", he read to me some more, he had dinner with my mother who called him "handsome", we argued more, we had dinner with his mother and he attempted to play the guitar only to find a condom wrapper inside of the guitar throwing us into a hysterical frenzy of laughter, he cooked, we read, I cooked, we argued even more, his love of Johnny Cash rivalled my love of Madonna, we made fun of each other, I was confused by him, we danced to really bad and fast pop music, we watched ER, he wrote his number on a piece of paper I still have today. He was beautiful and brilliant to me and he introduced me to Vietnamese rolls for which I am eternally grateful.

Essentially, it was exactly what two 22 year olds look like in a relationship.

Among the memories I hold of Scott, there are these two following particularly vivid spots in time: First, Cathy and Dino had come to meet me at Oliver's for a drink and to meet Scott, who was working that evening. I was walking past him when he pulled me over and whispered "you are so beautiful" to which I couldn't respond because I didn't know how. I was 22 years old and I'd never heard it from anyone but my mother because, essentially, I am a muppet. (In fact. Up until that point there had only been one other boy who'd ever referenced my looks, and that was George Logaras of Brookfield High School in Ottawa nearly 7 years earlier: He'd called me 'ugly' and 'fat' (I was a size 12), and referenced my 'four eyes' (glasses, yes) and my unibrow WHICH I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE HAD! I have never plucked between my eyebrows. The unibrow misobservation dumbfounds me to this day. He was a real dream boat, that one, aged 18 to my 15.)

Second, he was the first boy to hold my hand and when he did, I nearly threw up because it was so intense. (Remember: I am a muppet.)

Right. So, anyway, 22 year old Scott was also a self-absorbed idiot who didn't know how to communicate with my 22 year old self, loved Walt Whitman (snoooooooze), made fun of me for believing in angels (now only if I believe in the "Cherubs", which I don't), spent way too much time reading and believing Nietzsche (and then making me read Walt Whitman and Nietzsche), writing poetry and sulking in the way only a 22 year old boy can sulk. The world revolved around Scott, and if it didn't, he forced his mind to perform acrobatics so that the world became about him. In hindsight, he was a 22 year old clown...but he was my clown and I loved him for it.

Needless to say, 22 year old Scott trampled all over my 22 year old heart and then he started dating a woman much too soon after me. His actions did not set off a nuclear bomb because he neither deceived nor misled nor betrayed me; but his actions were indeed idiotic, hurtful and mean.

(I must say here that their relationship started by him cooking her dinner; she came over with a Tom Waits CD, flowers and her flute. SHE PLAYED HIM THE FLUTE. Talk about phallic. Likely, she went to band camp. (I still remember unveiling the news re 'the flute' to The Girls who proceeded to gawk at me as though I'd suddenly sprouted a second head and tipped forward due to the sheer weight of the new head combined with my existing head.) When he told me about their date (we were trying to be friends) I told him I was no longer interested in being his friend and that it was too soon and too hurtful. I hung up, went into my closet to find a lantern which he'd gifted me and then promptly propelled it down the garbage chute with enough force to knock down the entire building.

For approximately two months after he and I stopped speaking, I used to imagine taking a bat to his legs and burning her flute.

From what he tells me, he stayed with Her for a couple of years, and it was the "worst relationship of his life".

Ha! Ha! (That's God batting for Team Maha, kids.)

I'm being mean because I've suddenly lost interest in my 33 year old self and found my inner 22 year old instead.)

Right. So six years ago, I received an email from Scott after he "Googled and found [me]". He contacted me to apologise for all of his shit behaviour years back, as he should have. It wasn't something I had waited around for, as 22 year old Maha wasn't the same as 27 year old Maha nor was she the same as 33 year old Maha who is currently thinking that speaking about herself in the 3rd person is really strange and so Maha will stop.

I accepted because his apology was honest and clear and true, appreciating the fact that it had played on his mind for five years (look: if a boy becomes a man at 27, then that's pretty damn impressive). Since then, we've remained in contact at a relatively good level - though it's not regular contact, it is worthy contact when it happens (quality here, in fact). For the women who live here, I wish to share something with you, sent to me by Scott about men nearly a month and a half back. My mind was experiencing a logjam, and he forced me through it. (There is something to be said for those who knew our hearts intimately, no matter that with Scott it was 11 years ago. As with very very few others, he will always have an edge.) Take the following with you and keep it somewhere safe so that you may access it when you need it (this is something I've always believed and expressed without hesitation, but it's nice to have it confirmed and backed by a man):

"Fact is, guys suck most of the time. I don't mean to sound flippant but it's true. They are hard to trust. Their dicks are serious liabilities. It's that simple. Even the guys who don't want pussy want pussy. They'll go to great lengths to rationalize their actions but it really is that simple. The only guy you can kind of trust is a guy who is honest about that. I really think you can't ever fully trust what a guy says. At least until he's got one hell of a proven track record.

Also, guys tend to be kind of autistic and so they don't really understand how their actions affect others, at least not in the same way women do. (Again, I'm not being flippant. There's a male-autism-lack of empathy thing that's pretty well studied).

In my mind, there's a divide: males who know this is true of themselves can be called men. Males who aren't yet aware of this are called boys, regardless of age. A gentleman takes care not to harm others whether by taking precautions not to act on his biological imperative or not lying to himself or others about his inability to keep it in check."

Pretty brilliant.

Love that he's willing to step beyond the Male Code of Keeping Their Shit Secret and stand next to a girl who was once in his life to clarify a few points.

Love that it comes from the same man who "once made [his wife] lunch and included a can of beer so that when she opened it in front of her colleagues, they'd think she was an alcoholic".

Love that it proves that even at 22, I knew how to pick a good man...even if it took him six years to become that man.

Every girl should have one (and Scott is mine): The Stand-Up Guy to whom The Girls and you throw back as you discuss the m(e)n in your lives.

Really. I love it.

The Gaza Bombshell

You must please read Vanity Fair's The Gaza Bombshell.

It is a lengthy article and so I recommend you print it up and then read it when you are in the proper state of mind.

Oh, Dear God!

Did you hear? The Catholic Church has issued a new list of sins.

WOW. No offense to each and every one of you beautiful and wonderful Catholics (with whom I would get down before any other denomination), but seriously? This sort of thing makes me understand the rate of 'apostasy' (I learned that word last year!) and it's heartbreaking.

Imagine walking around and constantly waiting for some random dude (learned or otherwise) playing God and ADDING sins on behalf of God? That would kill me, and my humble opinion is that the Catholic Church (God love them) has to chill out.

Don't misunderstand me here; I think some of the new 'sins' make sense.(1) BUT NOT AS SINS. They should be recommendations put forth by the Catholic church, period. Not "SINS" because a sin is - by definition - decreed by no one but God. Naturally, as a Muslimah, I believe that all of the sins have been pointed out and now we just go on our merry way being retarded sinners who can't get it and keep it together for the entirety of this short life. But we try - or so we aim...

(I know you're wondering: Isn't a Fatwah the same thing? The answer is 'no' because a Fatwah is almost always a response to an answer...such as 'Should we kill Salman because of his craptastic writing?' that was met with the phenominally stupid "YES! Because it's not bad enough that he is really, and I mean REALLY a CRAPTASTIC writer and maybe 17 people will read this terrible book - let's make things worse by collectively doing something that will bring attention to the man and make him sell a billion copies. Does anyone have anything better to worry about, anyway? It doesn't matter that Muslims are being occupied and slaughtered, LET'S FOCUS ON THE CRAPTASTIC WRITER, PLEASE! Yalla.'

This is why one may find competing Fatwah's; something which happens quite often and speaks to the idea within Islam that at the end of the day, each individual must read, question, research, look to the learned, and finally decide / choose the 'response' (Fatwah) which is most logical to them.

It is also why each Fatwah must end with 'W'Allahu A'llam', which means "...and God knows best", referencing the reality that no matter the amount of information and knowledge we hold as human beings, it is only He who does indeed know best. )

Anyway. Poor Catholics. I'm sending you a very big hug.
(Remember: I Heart Jesus.)

Thoughts?

********************
(1) I get the no pollution one, but the one about genetic engineering? The Church needs to stop fearing Science; my personal opinion here is that The Church fears Science because they (unnecessarily & contrary to Faith) perceive it as a competing factor...but I'm just one little Muslimah so what do I know, eh? What with being oppressed and all. Insert here a creepy little winking emoticon.

Anti-War

A friend has just sent me this hilarious anti-war sign. Likely, the author wanted to end it with "YOU IDIOT!" but ran out of room.



Which brings me to the hat I purchased and forgot in Dubai, because it never ceases to amaze me just how misunderstood Islam's perspective on Christianity and Jesus is. (Read: Because it's nice to f*ck with people's ignorance as often as time permits...)

The Feminine Napkin Aisle: Friend or Foe?

Once a month, I turn into a buffoon for an approximate 48 hours.

I don't get mad, sad, angry or edgy, but rather clumsy and lacking all hand-eye coordination. I become tilted and start seeing through my brain's special "objects are not as close as they appear" eye hole.

So. I am constantly and very confidently 'placing an item on the table' when I'm actually placing it three centimetres from the surface of said table. (Read: dropping it on to the floor.) I am also always bumping into things that appear further away than they really are. Interestingly, I also become more naive and cartoonish than normal. Slower, even, which places me at a mere 25 movements ahead of a normal person.

The 48 hour period (heh!) I notice first thing in the a.m. as I attempt to have coffee. Rather than behaving like an adult, I slosh my coffee around all over myself and anyone close enough to be splattered. That's my cue to shy away from large and heavy objects and people I like for 48 hours next.

Unfortunately, this isn't always possible.

A while back, I stepped into my pharmacy and walked to The Feminine Napkin Aisle midway through the 48 hour period (HEH! Funnier every time...) of buffoonery. It was then that I experienced a tunnelling of my vision and a racing of my heart.

1.37 km of seventeen brand names declaring a combination of at least three of the following varieties:
Regular
Long
Overnight
Heavy
Light
Medium
Skinny
With Wings
Without
Scented
Non scented
Will make you laugh
Super absorbent
Bunched sides
Not bunched sides
Thin
Incognito
Aggressively proud and loud
Diaper like
For the fat girl
For the skinny girl
For the thong
Dry weave
Plug
External
For the sporty girl
For the sloth
For the thinking woman
For you
For me
I scream
You scream
We scream

I became discombobulated and sad because I just wanted a simple Feminine Napkin (FN) and yet there I was standing ramrod style incapable of comprehending what all the fuss was about. Why wings when I don't want the FN to take flight at any point during our interaction. And why bunched sides? Is that for the Insecure and Shy female? What about the ones that appear to be 2 feet long? Are they being tucked into the backs of one's turtle neck? Are they potential sleeping bags? Maybe they open into a parachute or...oh my God: A toboggan?

And so. Through my buffoon eyes, I attempted a grab at one of the above combinations and knocked over quite nearly an entire shelf. FNs are bouncy and they sprawl out once freed from the confines of their shelving unit. I could tell they were trying to make a run for freedom but they couldn't (because they are inanimate objects, you see). I stood staring at perhaps 30 packs and boxes wondering why the store would place them in such clearly domino-like positioning. Also, I was wondering if men 'perioded' (HA HA HA!), what would we call their...plugs?

I even began to think how they looked comfortable enough for a lie down (the FNs, not the Plugs) and considering my state, I would have gladly taken a nap had it not been for the half-Man employee who darted over and looked accusingly at me while I stood watching as he re-shelved the inanimate FNs. I tried to help, but dropped two more pillows and was asked rather rudely to "don't" (like that's a proper sentence?) and so instead answered with "I didn't know they could make so much noise".

"Whatever", said half-Man, and the fat lady grumbled as I mumbled: "Sorry".

Unlike the bouncy pillows of FNs, I immediately became sad and deflated and grabbed at the first pillow in my view, deciding that the A to the Q is: Foe.

(& p.s. Girls: Don't send a boy to do your bidding; for the love of all things that make us girls and them boys buy your own. Otherwise, you might just as well ask the poor bastard to "pee sitting down".)

Quote Unquote

"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Gaza

This is where you will find the most comprehensive information about what is happening in Gaza. Bookmark it.

All over the world there are demonstrations and vigils being organised. Look for the ones that are going to be taking place in your area. If there isn't one already being organised, then start that process yourself.

FYI: Sitting on any fence has never been sexy or intelligent, but rather an expression of cowardice or ignorance or laziness.

If you don't know enough to form that opinion, then get out there and find the information you need and learn from it and filter it and ask about it and talk to people about it and then: Form. Your. God damn. Opinion.

There is no excuse in this day and age for silence. There is no excuse, in this age of access to information, for anyone in North America to ever say 'I didn't know'.

Which side should you support? Don't support any side except that of Justice. She's pretty good at self branding and self representation. Get out there and find her.

Comments here are closed.

Baby (in Theatres mid March)

Please meet Sophia (we call this The Creepy Ultrasound picture):


currently residing in mama Aalya:


who is set to pop within the next week and who just said: "Maha, I look & feel like a dung beetle. I want this little diva out of me - she's a week late. Always late, like her mother. I have no doubt she is going to be born kicking and screaming and feisty and opinionated just like her mother and all of the wonderful women she knows."

Dispatch no4: Plants & Animals at The Drake

Most of you have heard of The Drake, yes? It's one of the most infamous places to be seen and to see in Toronto.

It's there that Janey and I caught Plants and Animals, an (originally) East coast band that had a very familiar Doors feel about their music. We loved everything about them, beginning with their stage presence and ending with their tempered shyness and drinking sense post show.

It was with great pleasure that last night I discovered they were iTunes' featured Free Single of the Week.

The Drake itself was wonderfully small by most standards and had the best Art Garfunkel look-alike bartender


And nicest yet potentially meanest doesn't take shit from anyone manager (on the left) who joined us for drinks post show


And a picture booth(!) into which Janey, Plants & Animals' lead singer and I squeezed in to take pictures


(The strip pictures you can see more clearly here and also here.)

Post The Drake, we went to Rhino where we found one of the world's most disgusting bathrooms (just look at the mirror!)


After which Janey, The Manager and I went and ate Halifax Style Shawerma...I didn't take any pictures because I was too busy eating eating eating.

Excellent night all around where I discovered new music and new food - and to think that I had contemplated staying home that evening...

Now: Go download some Plants and Animals, please.

P.S. You can make fun of all pictures from that evening here...