On principle, I was opposed to reading Twilight because of the lunatic storyline communicated to me. Some sh*t about a teenage girl who falls in love with a vampire who then ends up with a werewolf (the girl, not the vampire), and then somehow has a child with the vampire (the girl, not the werewolf). Or something.

Opposed, on principle to reading this series of books because there are so many brilliant books waiting for attention, that I was extremely hesitant to instead surrender my precious hours to these ones.

I finally did. I went out to dinner with a girlfriend who was swooning over the storyline. She gave me her book and so I began.

But not for long.

As is often the case, I have extreme reactions to things or ideas or situations or people. I don’t half-ass most anything, let alone a response to sh*t such as this book.

If I could, I would have stabbed this book. This is how much I hated it. Nearly as much as The Devil Wears Prada.

Not only was this horribly written, it also had a weird sense of sexuality-but-not sterility about it that was simply creepy as the storyline was about A CHILD in (obsessive sexual-but-not-really-as-the-mum’s-reading-this-would-have-a-fit-if-these-two-got-groovy-in-this-first-of-three-sh*t-books) love with A VAMPIRE. Oh my God, looking at that sentence, I am ashamed to have given even 5 minutes to this book.

Obviously, I did not make it very far into the book; one afternoon wasted on a little under half of Twilight and I drove it back to my girlfriend’s place and had to control myself not to throw it with all my strength at her door repeatedly until she answered…only to keep throwing it at her as she stood in the doorway.

We grappled for a little and she pushed me down on to the sofa, forcing me to watch the film instead. (Thankfully for free. I wouldn’t give a cent to this stupid film.)

Much to her dismay, I lasted through the 2 hour comedy. She tried to turn it off, but I would have none of it, as I’d not laughed that hard in quite some time.

For the record no1: I think both the lead actors are equally sh*t. The girl looked as if she were in a perpetual state of stupid whereas the boy a perpetual state of puke.

For the record no2: Really? Seriously? How are any of you still believing in this unhealthy formula that is so repugnant?

Vampire = bad boy meets girl and she changes everything in order to be with him while he, nothing, though his true nature is of a lunatic sociopath.

This storyline, perpetuated by gender-based fu*k-nuttery is repugnant. It. Is. Vulgar. Does this make you sad? Do you think I’m cruel? Possibly. Go ahead and tell me I have poor taste in literature, please, or that I am heartless. Please – I invite you to.

Still, though, right now I wish to punch myself in my eyes.

P.S. If I had a daughter, I would rip this from her hands and burn it.
P.S. to the P.S. I must admit that the baseball sequence in the film version was absolutely beautifully shot.

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