I have been working on developing my World View (WV) and doing my best to make it coherent both in my head and to those I love, and naturally, to anyone who will listen such as the dude on the corner yelling at me asking me if I am a sinner who fornicates…and to whom I am considering giving my url. This WV is a set of principles by which I try to live my life in the best way possible. Naturally, and as one would expect, it has been shaped mostly by the values instilled within Islam.
I finally labelled it a WV sometime over the course of the last two or three years. This happened during a time of struggle when I was trying to make sense of something that was non-sensical; applying the principles to my own behaviour when forced to make my way through the maze of a foggy sense of betrayal.
Always, my primary concern was to ensure that my behaviour was not a reaction to the actions of another, but rather behaviour which was a reflection of my WV. Also, that I started from a position of trusting people and believing their intentions were good, no matter the outcome. Naive, yes, but gentler and softer and kinder than the alternative. I fought against the urge to react as a meanie, when dealing with a meanie; to react as an asshat, when dealing with an asshat; to react as a bully, when dealing with a bully. Unfortunately, at a few days after the turn of the Year of (your) Lord 2009, I lost site of this.
Over the course of a couple of years, and in different circumstance, I had given too much; I had stretched myself so thin on several occasions that my snap-back, when it did finally happen, was severe and extreme. A precise moment in January 2009 was not the only catalyst, but rather the one which broke the camel’s back.(1)
I reacted in kind to an action. In fact, it was not ‘in kind’, but rather ‘in extreme kind’.
Why did I do this? Because I had had enough. I had had enough of being kind and good and understanding and forgiving and gracious and trusting, and receiving nothing more than junk trash from some people around me. I did this because I was sick and tired of opening up my heart and making myself vulnerable and then being hurt. I was sick and tired of people recognising the goodness and the trust and taking advantage of it.
I did it because I was hurting and I needed to self-preserve.
More importantly, I did it because I had lost site of my WV and the fact that a huge part of who I am is someone who is in fact kind and good and understanding and forgiving and gracious because that is who I am proud to be, rather than someone who behaves in this way in order to receive the same in return. (Since the later is a fraud and frauds give me hives.)
When I lost site of my WV, I became a different creature, and it was in fact Mama who pointed this out to me. She told me that something about me had changed over the course of this last year – that I had become vicious in my response to people and suspicious of their intentions and that is not the way she raised me. I had lost my inclination to forgive and be understanding and Mama was disappointed in me. This conversation was with respect to a woman I love and admire and hold in the highest regard.
In that moment, sitting across from my mother, something broke inside of me…and at the same time, something greater was solidified. What broke was the Mean Girl, and what was solidified, inshallah was the girl I have always fought to be. (And I will tell you honestly that writing this is making me extremely emotional.)
This was my wake-up call, and the woman I hurt remains at the top of the list of My Three Worst Blowbacks from my ten month asshatery trip. I was cruel and suspicious, and brutally self-centred with a woman I dearly love, a woman who has never ever once in our relationship hurt me, and who, in a moment of complete and total self-delusion, I could have hurt beyond measure.
I couldn’t sleep that night because I could see again. I could see that somewhere over the course of the past ten months, there had been a shift in my mind’s eye view which affected my behaviour and which led me to believe that I deserved to stop giving, because I had given enough, and now people owed me.
Imagine.
Imagine the self-importance I felt for ten months.
Imagine the asshat – any asshat – who would believe such entitlement? That was me, and I was a Mean Girl Asshat. Oddly enough, it was not conscious of this at the time, instead chalking it up to other people getting what they deserve after I had allowed them to take from me for so long.
I started to only focus on what people gave me from that moment on. In the instance of A, I forgot about our history and every single time she had held me tight until I didn’t need to be held anymore. I had become the very thing I have hated since I can remember – entitled. Worse still, I was mean – and let me tell you, my friends, there is an unbelievable capacity within me for cruelty. Again, where A was concerned and through my sense of asshat entitlement, I couldn’t see that I needed to give her understanding, patience and time. I needed to give, but instead I wanted to take in a most callous manner.
Ultimately, I failed someone I loved on a scale of Supreme Asshatery. My behaviour in that moment both devastates and shames me.
I lost site of the fact that I have always prided myself on how open and engaging I am with everyone; that I have always been happy to say “I would rather love hard and be hurt hard than love in shades of pale and never feel the full hurt of that loss, and instead be safe and protected“.
I lost site of the reality that what should be my only concern ever, is my own behaviour, rather than the behaviour of others, and that made me a judgemental asshat.
I lost site of the foundation of my WV: that I believe in the goodness of people, even in their greatest moments of asshatery, and I work hard to understand them and forgive them and still love them, even though I may choose to no longer have them in my life in any formal capacity. I do this because no one created by God is born with the intention to hurt, and yet we are all guilty of being asshats at different moments in our lives.
And at the end of the day, I have to believe that anyone who has hurt me didn’t come into my life with the intention to hurt, but rather they were trying their best and their best somehow managed to hurt me.
To those of you who would take advantage of this sort of thinking and to anyone who believes there is a greater Power, then understand that one day we will deal with a greater Judge than another human being could ever be, and our behaviour and the consequences of that behaviour come full circle and we will be held accountable for taking advantage of goodness and kindness. And, so, as my own eating of humble pie has taught me, gentler, kinder, softer was always the better route, anyway. Deviating from that path at least allowed me the opportunity to solidify that belief.
Take a walk along that street, if you haven’t already, and let me know what happens.
**********
(1) One day, I will share with you the story of this catalyst, but not yet as it is much too fresh still.
(Image courtesy of Gen Pren.)
13 Comments
Blown away. You just blew me away.
A) someone call Oprah – you need to be her replacement
B) you are brilliant and I love your writing
3) (I love switching up numbers and letters in a list – makes me laugh every time)Your honesty is brave and beautiful and I love you for it.
IIII) I think this post will help a lot of people.
xo's to the max
Baby J.
Maha,
I don't know where to begin with this entry. It is incredible. Thank you for being so open and honest and for trusting us with everything you are willing to feel so fiercely.
Thank you so much for your bravery of 'ownership'. You are an incredible example. I am pleased you were a Mean Girl for only ten months. Please be gentle on yourself, even when 'owning'. I know that may go against your code, but do us a favor who care about you. Go gentle.
Thomas
This is a lesson in how to eat humble pie PROPERLY. You are incredible. I admire you so much it's almost creepy sometimes. I wish we were friends in real life and I fucking hate admitting that because I don't really know you and I want your validation because you're fucking awesome cool and smart. See that was totally creepy. You bring it out of me ;o) -lily
Holy crap, Maha, this is amazing. I echo the above sentiments and am BLOWN AWAY by this entry.
You SHOULD be the next Oprah. You would kill that show.
Love, Fanny
MAMA! This entry made me a little sick to my stomach because I can tell that it's so intense for you. Like good sick to my stomach knots in my stomach like when you're watching someone you love do something really important and you want them to be ok. You're ok. I hope everything is okay with the girlfriend you talk about. I really really do. I love you even though you don't really know me. I admire you so much Maha!!
Hugs,
Maria
Excellent. This is an excellent study in how one should be responsible for their shit. Really truly sorry you had to hurt someone you loved along the way – but chance is great, Maha, that they know you enough to know something went wrong for you to behave in that manner.
You are lovely and if every person who wronged me behaved in this way, I would likely have more friends.
Steve
I can't add much more than everyone that has already commented. I agree with them. But I also wanted to tell you Maha that you are one of the people I admire most in the world. You are all those things you strive to be – even if something happened in the past 10 months. You are also strong and honest. I have known you for…has it really been 14 years?…and I can honestly say that you are an amazing human that anyone would be privileged to call their friend! As to the woman you hurt…I hope things work out really soon. Things happen. Honesty helps fix those things…the rest is taken care of by time and/or the strength of your relationship prior to what happened. And by the way you act from now on.
You really are one of my dearest friends. Take care of yourself too!!!
I love this entry. I believe in your strength. Thank you for the bravery of admitting the shame and disapointment of your own actions. I too hope that your relationship with this woman 'A' you clearly love is fixed. I believe it will be.
x
Dear Maha,
Look how many people admire your honesty and are truly moved by it. So you've looked deeply at a flaw in yourself, and by shining a light on it, you helped others feel understood, and stronger. That's what this kind of generous writing can do. I really do think that we're all flawed, and those who love us, such as your A, understand that, and even, ultimately, love us all the more for it. Being able to look directly at yourself, and change, is the mark of a good person, and that's what you're doing here.
Lovely Maha, strive for perfection, sure, but don't beat yourself up too much, please. Being loveable isn't only about being a shining star of goodness.
xo N.
Maha, if you tell A the things you've realized about yourself that you've told us here, I am confident that she'll forgive you. Hurts like this take time to heal, but they do eventually.
You are a wonderful soul, if only because you have something in you that lets you admit things like this about yourself despite–no, because of–your shame in them. So thank you.
I'd also like to say ditto to what Thomas said.
Maha.. everyone already said what needs to be said about this entry. I can't add more but something tells me you have yet to talk to this woman and open up to her. If you have not yet, she needs to hear you explain what happened and why. She is likely still hurting; stuck on "why"? Sounds almost certian that she will understand. She likely needs the closure as much as you did.
Hi everyone – thank you for all of the kind and amazingly quick responses…and support. Thank you so so so much.
A and I had never had a meltdown during the entire course of our friendship – not in nearly 15 years…and this was a psychotic break that very luckily, was so fkn out in left field, we are okay. We are okay
so thank you for your generosity of support in all of your comments.
And I am pleased to report that she said "you're not a mean girl", to which I will add one last time, but I was an asshat.
Love to you all xox
m
p.s. Last comment >> BB? I miss you so much…and I hate that we haven't connected in so long. I will call you tomorrow, inshallah, later in the day, if you're around. By the way >> I had not spoken to her in detail about the 'why', but rather an "I'm an ass, and nothing I said was warranted" apology and only fully fleshed it out when – as is always the case – I put fingers to keyboard. I made certain she read this, in order for her to receive the why (not in order to excuse my behavior, but rather to explain the context – and she has been with me through the thick of things over the last three years, always, that she would understand the complete root cause).
I can soooooo say 'been there' in response to your post. I agree, it is a horrible and unhappy, festering place. A few things I learned to remind myself of when I begin to slip back into a grinchy state is this:
1. life is about self-expression, not self-justification
2. you can't take care of others unless you take care of yourself first
3. you can't love others uless you love yourself first
4. being a giving person doesn't mean you can't give to yourself as well
5. If giving drains you rather than fills you up, then it's not truly giving.
LOVE IS THE ONE ENERGY FORM THAT DOESN'T DEPLETE YOU WHEN YOU GIVE IT. YOU GET TWICE THE ENERGY BACK.
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