My friend Emily and I were recently discussing – within the context of her life – what it is about certain individuals that makes the idea of committing to them interesting and appealing.

Emily is – for lack of a better concept – sexually fluid. She toggles several sexual partners at once and has no desire to commit to anyone or even seek out commitment.

I have already told her that whatever fulfillment one committed partner provides, she is in fact having the same needs met by several, only without any duty of serious responsibility; her partners fill the space that would otherwise be left open to loneliness.

She has argued that it is not that she is incapable of deep love and commitment, but rather that she doesn’t currently care for it. A sentiment that makes me laugh while I respond with “bull. SHIT.” because even though she is seeding her needs from several sources, she is still seeding…the same need. (If Emily were standing beyond that scope of relationship / sexuality and arguing she doesn’t care for it, then her argument would stand.) And please note that there is nothing in this post which she has not already heard face-to-face, and that she knows just how much I care about her.

Our conversation was a mishmmash of pop-psychology that spanned…
…from asking the obvious:

Do we seek out only what we believe we deserve? [Read: I am unworthy of commitment and so shall only seek out environments where rejection is not a possibility. Here, the fragility of character is a lot more aggressive than most would be comfortable admitting aloud. (And anyway, is seeking commitment a reflection that we deserve "better"? Is it human nature to nest with only one, or is it a societal construct? More complex still, is it a societal construct because it is in fact healthier for society and each of us individually?)]
…to wondering if it is the exact opposite: I am too worthy and no one can meet the worth.
…to poking: maybe seeking out multiple partners is just about actively – through the body – engaging in a little revolution against norms, expectations, religious / societal demands?
…to Zen and Motorcycle Maintenance taunting: we can’t ever really know.
…and then finally landing squarely on: What makes someone interesting enough?

During that conversation, and now still, I argue that to formulate the question in this way places the onus on the other, rather than ourselves. It absolves us of our contribution, and instead places us above the relationship itself as at its core it is stating: show me why you deserve me, and if you’re lucky enough, I may just grace you with my monogamous commitment, a not so innocent and entirely arrogant and entitled demand.

Through some laughter, the mishmash made us reformulate the question to: Why are we interesting enough to be sought out?

Only instead of engaging in this side of the equation, we were side-tracked to talking about music, only to eagerly come back and ask: To which combination of ‘us’ is it worth committing?

Years back, I wrote that it must be partially about the energy created between two people; that when you are in that individual’s presence, there is a new energy that comes to life and within which you wish to remain. I still strongly believe this.

Emily mentioned ‘inspiration’, and I agree that we need to both be inspired by, and to inspire the individual.

She also stated that we have to want to impress that individual, a critical point which I believe sheds light on something deeper – the reality that we need to feel we are worthy of the person before us. (Take pause and consider that when many relationships start to fall apart, usually the very first thing said is that someone felt as though “they were being taken for granted”, which is another way of saying that their partners stopped noting what they once found “impressive”.)

And so taking this last point, we come full circle, because we need to (gently and with grace) understand our own worth, to then wish to impress it upon another. And the more I think about it, the more I believe this is maybe one of the most important keys to commitment. When you stop wanting that, you stop wanting the relationship, and instead seek out another with whom that same energy and impression starts anew.

No doubt, there are all other kinds of factors that work together to see us to commitment. Not least of which is timing, laughter, trust, silliness, honesty, and the simplest of chemical reactions.

Ultimately, as a Muslimah, I was taught and believe that [He] “created us in pairs”; whether or not we find one another is a whole other reality…and all I can do is keep on this incredible egg hunt.

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