This morning, I woke up an underachiever.
Who still has not accomplished much of anything worth discussing or worth feeling good about.
This morning, I woke up worthless.
A useless bit of space not contributing to anything, or adding any sort of value to the lives of those around me or to my own life.
This morning, feeling like sh/t, I walked to work wiping tears, and catching my breath and repeating over and over and over “Allah knows best.”
And this morning, I thought about how I every day fight to live my life doing good and being good and respecting the rules and living within a toxic-free heart, and I do it out of nothing more than a love for Allah. And when I fail, it is because I am short on strength, not because He is ever short on Love and Guidance.
And this morning, I woke up confused by those who have not lived well and yet, they have been graced with the one thing — the only thing — I wish to have.
Because Allah knows best.
And this morning, I woke up thinking about that one time my cousin told me that women who don’t have children? Something changes in the composition of their brain. That they’re not “normal.”
Because Allah knows best.
And this morning, I woke up thinking about the biological imperative that men wave around: That they are naturally built to be attracted to young women.
Because Allah knows best.
And this morning, I woke up thinking about the fact that I have loved wrong but at the right time, and loved right but at the wrong time.
Because Allah knows best.
And this morning, I woke up thinking about all of the times I have been told don’t laugh so loud, have less of an opinion, pretend you don’t know, don’t argue even if he’s wrong, be less of what you are, look to the floor, do not aspire, stop at a Masters degree. Because most of the men of my culture? They do not like these things in women.
Because Allah knows best.
And this morning, I woke up thinking how everything above culminates into one single reality: That I have not yet found a partner with whom to play scrabble. And because I do not want a man of my culture, but rather a man of culture, because the men of my culture have made me feel less, too old, too strong, too opinionated, too Western, too this and too that, then this must mean I do not really and truly cross my heart and hope to die want to find my scrabble partner.
Because Allah knows best.
And this morning, I woke up recalling the advice that I should just get married, get pregnant and who cares about the rest? Because there are only two measures to successful living: A partner in my bed, and a used uterus.
Because Allah knows best.
And this morning, I woke up fighting all that I hate and all that I have internalized, thinking how I carry a weight so heavy that it crushes me on days like this, and on top of my own expectations I must also bear the weight of the expectations of my family because I need to be crushed a little more.
But Allah knows best.
Because Allah knows best.
Because Allah knows best.
Because Allah knows best.
So this morning I woke up battling myself, half as written above and half encased in “Allah knows best,” a suit of armour, a mantra of internalized glue to hold me together.
AlhamduliLah.
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The follow up article to the above is: Alright Bein’ The Single Non-White Female. (Trust.)
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Photo from employscoop(dot)com.
Maha, you are one of the most accomplished, wonderful people I know. We all have those days. Watch this video, it might make the day a smidgen better: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8X58YE4Orrw
Maha, I felt like crying when I read your post. But I know you are strong and this will not defeat you, and it will pass.
Oh, sending you so much love. So much. I hold your pain in my heart, and it is beautiful.
I read something about Buddhism – that you have to explore what you don’t have and be willing to live with that. That openness creates a space for what you do want to come. That made me feel better about my dark moments of “it will never”.
And I can PROMISE you that laughing out loud, having an opinion, keeping your head high, etc. etc, even when you are alone is SOOO much better than being with someone with whom you can’t be yourself. I’ve lived both sides of that reality, and I know that its better to be yourself.
Lots of hugs to you today, and love,
Rebecca
maha – i think that some of us are intended to service humanity a little while longer, before we start i7shying and icing cake in stilletto’s. she puts it best. i hope this puts a little smile on your face today. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_7yE0XpVc4
May you be given ease, peace and joy in all that your heart desires.
But there are still people out there that wish they had what you have. You are smart, beautiful, and successful and have made all the right decisions for yourself! Hugs and love xo
Oh sweetheart! I feel it too. The sadness in not having that thing that many take for granted, that so many abuse, that so many think is such a simple thing to find and keep and nurture. A partner and a family.
Not being as faith-filled as yourself, I guess I turn to the fact that I cannot stop trying, I cannot stop loving and putting my heart and my self out there. If we stop the journey because of our sadness or our fear, we will never find the beautiful things we seek. I know I learn on my way, and I hope to achieve my wishes for a loving husband and kids someday.
But sometimes maybe we need some space and time to grieve. Maybe we need the sadness as the salt and bitter to our eventual joy and sweetness. Maybe that seasons us so that our coming lives are so much the better (and we learn what we truly want and do not want through trial and error).
Faith, sister. And hope. If I were hours closer to you, I’d take you out for wine, dessert, and bitching, as good girlfriends do.
Love you my dear friend! You are one of THE BEST people out there!!!
Maha,
I have been reading you for many years. If there is any person who fights falling into sadness, it is you. If I were reading this on any other site, I would tell them to look around and count their blessings. Because it is you however, I know that you always count your blessings and I know that in order for you to get to such a deep point of pain, things must be quite devastating. I am sorry for your pain. I know that it is all relative and while you don’t worry about famine and disease, your pain is in your heart because you have not found a partner to share your heart with them.
You contribute every single day to the lives of your readers. I imagine that this love and warmth emanating from you to us is less than 1% of the love and the joy your real-life friends and family feel. Please remember this and please do not allow yoursefl to sit in this place for very long.
With respect.
Indeed He does 7abibti, He also never gives us more than we can handle…..u strike me as one tough Canuck
whatever it is, this too shall pass and you will be just that much stronger for it……you’ll see……Allah yi 1weeki ya rab….xo
Maha, I’m not sure if this helps at all, but I love this article so I want to share it: http://bitchmagazine.org/post/the-dating-game-one-isnt-the-loneliest-number
I also want to tell you that you are an amazing woman who has accomplished tons and is very inspirational to a lot of people, me included…
I wish I could take you out for a cupcake today. Embrace all the people in your life who love and value you as they should. You are a beautiful soul, Maha. And I know you will find the peace and happiness your heart deserves. (btw, the article your friend posted above …sooooo true)
I thbink you’re a beautiful woman inside and out. I wlould be honored to be your scrabble partner if you’d have me.
Steve
Beautiful and amazing and incredible Maha. I don’t know what to say to you after reading this page. I don’t think I have ever read you so sad. Did something trigger this? Please believe me when I tell you how much of an inspiration you are and what you represent to me as a woman of intelligence, drive, love, and care.
We live in a world where a woman is judged by her relationships. A quote from Gilligan: “Since masculinity is defined through separation while femininity is defined through attachment, male gender identity is threatened by intimacy while female gender identity is threatened by separation.” is so true. So many of us females, no matter how much we accomplish, never feel like we have accomplished anything unless someone “loves us enough to marry us” and then we have children. There are days where I don’t let this touch me, but there are days like yours today where I’m also fucking crushed underneath the weight of this disasterous approach to women and their place in society.
I think what might even be worse is what you just touch on. Women are nothing if unmarried. They’re not normal if they’re not mothers. Theyr’ worth less. There’s some women who choose not to be moms or get into monogomous relationships and they’re cool with this. For someone like you who wants that connection, and with all of the constrictions on your “dating” life, and after reading that fucking disaster of “Once Upon A Time” with your experience with traditional dating, I get it. I totally fucking get it. I just hope that yo’re able to push this weight off of you sooner rather than later because I can’t imagine how sad you must be right now. I don’t think Ihave ever wished we lived in the same city as I do right now.
A whole comment without a sarcastic remark =)
Love -lily
Maha, it has been a very long time. I read your blog and am putting my thoughts and hopes out into the world for you to get what you deserve . a loving partner to help you raise your healthy children.
Maha.. Having gone through my own bad days, I finally decided that I was barking the wrong tree by searching for a rational answer to “why” .. I concluded that not every rational question has a rational answer. Apparently, this is one of the wisdom nuggets of the zen world.. you are trying to understand using logic and rational thinking when what is happening is not necessarily rational.. How did Bush get away with a second term election? how is it that Obama is crucified now? Why did he have to prove he is a US citizen when we never questioend others? why did he have to prove he is Christian when we say we have seperation of church and state? why do good epople suffer and bad peopel get away with it? why?..
My one anchor for sanity in the last while is that you need to let go and stop asking why.. just accept that shit happens. Once I stopped looking for why, the missing piece fo teh puzzle fell in place. Just let it go and stop trying to undertsand because tehre si no logical answer. enjoy the great blessings you have.. and if it comes, it comes.. enjoy what it adds to your life.. if it does not, enjoy the fact that you did not have to pay the price..
Shit happens. We just have to accept that.
You sound so sad, but I read that you already know the answer why you are in so much pain, so I will refrain from dissecting what you already comprehend. I just wanted you to know it makes me sad that a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate woman like yourself is so unhappy.
“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of – throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
Maha: To know that a woman of such goodness, strength, bravery, honor, selflessness & humor is in such pain saddens me so. I wish I could say something that would make the bad go away because I cherish you so, for all that you have taught me and for all the joy & laughter you have sent my way. I do take solace knowing that your faith, wisdom & strength will conquer these doubts & fears you’re now feeling. I pray with all my heart that this happens quickly. Sending you all my love, prayers & good thoughts. Maureen
[...] Now. Because it is only when I understand things that I can put them to rest, and because I understand things best after I have written about them, I put fingers to keyboard and wrote about it. [...]
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Allah knows best and so do you. Allah speaks to us through our gut feeling, so never, ever stop listening to your own rhythm, to your own tune. You always know what to do, and you shall never be wrong if you just keep your heart open. I love you loads you wonderful, successful and witty woman. xo
I can’t answer each of you separately, so I am hoping that it suffices for me to let you know that I am ever grateful and humbled by each and every word above. Thank you for reading, thank you for caring, thank you for reaching out. You all are simply incredible (those who commented and those who were too shy to do so publicly and instead sent emails).
All my love,
M
Your sadness resonates with me.
The difference is, I am probably too old now to even have children, while you still have your youth and beauty.
I’ve spent much of the past year in tears. Allah knows best.
My train has left the station. Your’s hasn’t arrived yet.
Best of luck to you.
Star.
Your comment has made me sad. I hear and understand your sadness 100%.
The thing is, Allah does know best. And that’s a little bit of heart that you have to take with you. It’s such a difficult pill to swallow, I know. So I am sending you all of my energy with the hope that your heart will open to this and take it in peacefully so that you may shake off the pain.
All my warmth and peace are yours.
Salaam,
m