Comments on: Supporting friends: When is it time to say “no”?

By: One Female Canuck

One Female Canuck — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 00:45:47 +0000

Lily — I am so sorry that this was both her and your experience. We are all allowed to f/ck things up and it sounds like she had more than her share of pain for her choices. Be patient with her. Love her still. I can almost guarantee that she will never commit this same mistake again — with him or any other married xxo

Thomas — discussing the physical aspect of protection (i.e. drinking and driving) seems so much easier for people. Interestingly, it’s the emotional pain that usual lingers eternal, that so many people refuse to understand. Thank you for your comment.

cvc — Thank you very very very much for your comment. I have to be careful not to be an asshole sometimes, but my lucky is that my friends have called me out in the past if ever I have been too harsh. (And they know that it always comes from a place of love.)

Hafsa — Thank you for reading. x

By: Hafsa

Hafsa — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 21:03:37 +0000

interesting read

By: cvc

cvc — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 01:32:49 +0000

It takes a strong person to stand up to or for a friend and is all to easy to step aside or look the other way. Judge-y or not – you are that strong person and it makes the world a better place to remind us to do what is right when we come up against it.

By: Thomas

Thomas — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 18:12:01 +0000

Excellent, Maha. We live in a world where everyone enables everyone lest we hurt someone’s feelings. Never mind that their behavior is hurting others.

A caring friend would not allow a friend to drive while drunk for fear of physical injury. Though that is much easier to measure, and much more acceptable, I agree with you and Jenn that a part of being an excellent friend is to tell your friends when they will sustain emotional injury and help them to avoid it if they accept your help.

I really enjoyed this, Maha. Thank you.

Thomas

By: lily

lily — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 18:05:29 +0000

This is so perfectly fucking timed. One of my best friends was sleeping with a married man and I didn’t know what to tell her other than FUCK YUOU YOU ARE EVERYTHING I HATE!!!! Not as not understanding as that but we were not friends for a long time. I tried every angle YOU ARE ABOVE THIS
HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT HER, HE WILL NEVER CARE ABOUT YOU
and
PUT YOURSELF IN HER SHOES
but none of it worked and she stopped being friends with all of us until a couple of yuears later which is how long their affair went on she saw him out in public with his wife who he was so loving with and he made eye contact with her like she waas no one.

We are friends again but I hear you on saying no to your friends when they need to hear it.

Thanks for this, Maha!! -lily

By: One Female Canuck

One Female Canuck — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 17:20:04 +0000

Lisa, I couldn’t have said it better myself. Thank you!

By: Austin Lisa

Austin Lisa — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:57:03 +0000

right…we all choose our own paths, yadda yadda, but there are some basic obligations we have to our friends, including the very painful task of reintroducing them to their moral compass when needed and reminding them they need to love themselves enough to not engage in self-destructive behavior.

By: Jen

Jen — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:43:39 +0000

I ABSOLUTELY agree. I’ve had friends of both the self-destructive type and the type that while they are good otherwise engage in selfish behavior that I cannot condone. While I hold myself to a high standard, I realize not everyone, even friends, have to live by my rules. But sometimes tough love is the hardest part of a true friendship. If a friend can’t take your (loving) difference of opinion about their behavior, then it’s best to move on. But someone that truly loves you will sometimes need to check you. I value the truth from my true friends, even when it’s something I don’t want to hear. I LOVE that you posted this. It’s good to be reminded that I’m not alone in my judgy (yet hopefully checked), yet well-meaning ways. Sometimes being a friend that doesn’t tolerate behavior that’s below someone is a hard thing to do, but I truly think it helps all of us to be better people when someone that genuinely cares reminds us of our potential and our quest to be the best person we can be.

By: one female canuck

one female canuck — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:24:37 +0000

You’re absolutely correct — extreme care has to be taken, in the second scenario. For me, not so much the first, and this is a very personal opinion. As for being mistaken, that’s a chance you take, and it’s precisely why you step away: it is to 100% *avoid* attempting to drive another person’s life. Everyone makes and owns their choices for which they are responsible, just as I too have a choice to step out of that circle. And absolutely: a friend is not a psychologist. Until our friends ask us to psychologize them. As for “who decides” — re the second scenario, it might be better expressed by the *outcomes* of the choices made rather than the choices themselves. Meaning: If a friend makes a choice repeatedly, and the end result is them sobbing and weeping and in pain and second guessing themselves and in a state of paralysis and shock, then that == with time == continued support of that behaviour with that result amounts to enabling. But to throw our hands into the air and say “no one can define” basically amounts to no one ever helping anyone because every behaviour is acceptable. And I don’t buy that. Again: Personal perspective.

By: Elizabeth A.

Elizabeth A. — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:14:08 +0000

his makes sense,but I think care needs to be taken.Who decides what is harmful. a friend is not a psychologist.you cant take over the driving wheel in another persons life.not even ones children.what happens if you are mistaken.