I have already mentioned to you my Nutmeg Days, but have not sat down to write about the days which leave me feeling like the woman in this photo, without any umbrella, left open to cutting by the storm running itself through my body.
My umbrella is my faith (small ‘f’, dependant on big ‘F’), and there are days I am completely without. I have been trying to pinpoint them — making note of a trigger, of my environment, of my nature, logging in ink the things on which I snag and rip. Some days it helps; some times it only helps for an hour until it hurts again. Always, I am confused by the future, and struggle to focus on just Now, while keeping faith that this is what I am supposed to embrace because my Faith will hold me between His palms as protection.
Seven out of ten days I enjoy the journey because it has taught me patience and awareness and communication skills I never knew I had. It has taught me to listen and to understand without hearing a word. Most important, it has taught me that very little of what happens around me has anything to do with me (which is what my site is for; to feed my deluded ego).
On the other three of ten days, I often zigzag between being very deeply lost, being uncertain, hesitant, shy, awkward, and extremely ungentle on my self. There is nothing for me to do about this now though I already know that I can not keep moving forward on this same road for much longer, and within that knowledge is the reality that I can in fact see the light at the end of the tunnel, one which will either warm my skin the perfect degree of hot, or burn it right the fk off.
On these days, I am terrified.
Terrified that I am being led astray by all of me and each of my instincts, all couched in my Faith that everything happens for a reason and for the best of reasons. Faith that there are absolutely no coincidences but rather paths to a better us, even — and maybe especially — when there is pain.
L recently said: “I admire that you live so honestly, more than anyone I know and I want to be like you when I grow up.” On that evening, I took her words and held them dear. But there are days where I wonder if I am a fool for being this person because living honestly always means doing the right thing. And the right thing seems to always bring me to here. Single. Without a family but my mum and dad who will one day not be of this world.
I understand that I am blessed because I am loved so deeply and to call my life anything short of a blessing is to be a completely self-serving and inward looking piece of sh/t. But on the days where the storm is too strong and I am forced to shut my eyes? I guess those are the days one would have to call me such things, and today is one such day…