Tales from the Toilette

September 21, 2012 - The Funnies - 21 comments

There has been a theme to my recent Facebook Status Updates, as follows:

Here’s a conversation I don’t want to have in the washroom ever again:
“Hi! Sorry to bother you, but can you please pass me some toilette paper when you have a moment…? Oh, thanks…but can I have a little more — because…I’m not a bird.”

And then…

I think someone is trying to give birth in the female washroom. I nearly yelled over the stall “BOY OR GIRL?”

Which got me to wondering — what is proper toilette etiquette? And since I’m asking, I should probably answer.

1) Don’t talk to people while they’re peeing. It’s a stressful situation to begin with, and it’s a private one. We don’t need you talking to us about your daily affairs mid-stream unless you are one of our trusted best friends. (HI TASH!! SORRY ABOUT THAT TIME I LOCKED MYSELF IN THE WASHROOM WITH YOU TO HAVE A CHAT WHEN YOU WERE PEEING!! CALL ME!!)

2) Wash your hands. I have said this before and I will now place it here for the record: I don’t want your ass bacteria all over my space, please and thank you.

3) Don’t pee on the seat. I don’t know how big your urethra is, but control it.

4) And while we’re at it. Don’t pee on the floor.

5) Don’t leave any logs floating around. The Beachcombers was cancelled, remember? If this means that you need to take an additional 10 seconds to flush twice, please do just this. Your blackberry can wait.

7) Save the birthing noises. No one wants to hear your pooping trauma. Take a deep breath, imagine your happy place and then give’r a go. If you really can’t help but “mmmm, ooooh, grrrrr, oh!” then at least kegel when someone else is there.

8) Don’t pick your nose and wipe it on the door in front of me. I can see it. IT’S RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME. Use the toilet paper that’s to your side and excavate your nose accordingly.

Think that about covers it. Please feel free to add your own rules below…

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Image from ToiletPaperWorld(dot)com.