Today is the first day of Eid, also known as the first day after Ramadan during which time I was unable to drink coffee during the daylight hours (much like a Vampire who can only drink blood after sunset). One understatement is that I am very much enjoying the daytime coffee, as this photo illustrates.
Cartoonish in its understated ways because I’m going to follow it up with the gem that: this last year has bounced me between some challenging situations. And by “challenging”, I mean a clusterf*ck of hits and lies from which I was left shaken in ways I didn’t think possible. Why? Because I didn’t think human persons were capable of weaving such intensely dense webs of deceit intended only to serve their own needs and to hell with anyone who is caught in their cross-fire.
I was a girl who was caught in the cross-fire and who – just until this week – experienced tremors from the associated PTSD.
To the people who willingly catch the kindness of others in their cross-fire, f*ck you. Seriously and very hard. The line that you were not supposed to cross is ALL THE WAY BACK THERE, MOTHER F*CKER, and may your sh*tty Karma bust your ass for the indefinite future. Especially if you never womaned up and owned your sh*t and apologized for it. (These sentences, by the way, are what Jills calls “release sentences”. They feel awesome.)
Directly, it affected my writing. I often found myself in a state of paralysis because every time I tried to open my eyes to see, the fog would make them blurry and this place, this home of mine, has always been where I come to find clarity. (Thank you for your unparalleled patience these last few months, by the way. I am always at a loss when I read your emails because they are so filled with encouragement and kindness.)
Organically, and by no doing of my own, this month of Ramadan opened so many doors (in closing so many others); nothing short of complete rejuvenation on every level. Had you told me this would be the case last year at this time, I would have called you a liar and asked to borrow your peace pipe.
Not to be confused with gratitude for the people above, I am thankful for all of the challenges and the lessons learnt, each one of which has been seared into my person. More important however, is that I am grateful to God who seems to have my ass covered at all times, always extracting me from a situation moments before it implodes. Always, and at every turn, He has ensured that I have been chucked clear enough of the explosions that I am not harmed physically, rather only emotionally terrorized by what I found in the debris. And with friends like mine, the therapy to recovery comes cheap.
Today is the beginning of a new phase and I am so excited because I feel physically and emotionally light and I am filled with only gratitude and warmth. Case in point, I was yesterday walking from the car to my office across the bridge overlooking water. My chest felt like it was breaking apart, incapable of containing its own happiness. I know – I sound like a crackhead. Really, no one knows this more than I…but honestly…honestly…my greatest lesson learned from this past year is that unless a loved one is sick, in pain, hurting, then I – in this country, with this life and these infinite blessings – I have nothing about which to complain (though I would never begrudge you your hangnail and I will always be the shoulder on which to cry, and I will always pick up the pieces of your broken heart and glue them back together as carefully as possible even if it means I will get a hundred slivers in the process).
If you, like me, believe that this phase of life is but the shape of a dream as we enter into the next world, then really? It’s all gravy, baby. And no one, and no thing, is worth the pain of your heart.
May your days be blessed and may the shape of your heart fill only with love and light. x
The photo was taken this morning at La Bottega Nicastro. Not only do they serve the best damn coffee in the world, but they also make the best damn sandwiches. Dunno for what you’re waiting, but you need to get yer damn ass over there right now.