The Heart-Reflection On 2018

They flew in yesterday, so I didn’t anticipate I would have a chance to see them before I head out tomorrow. When I received a message from Y asking if I was free today? Not yet having met their littlest acorn? I would have punted all other dates, no question.

Last time we saw one another was two years ago in Ottawa. Baby was occupying C’s belly and P brought us together in her home, quite often a central family gathering place for us.

Against all rules of road propriety in this country, I bowled Y over with a hug as soon as we saw one another, and snuggled C (sitting in the car with then sleeping acorn) once in the car. What a world, to connect us in this country, home to neither.

Y, like David (my Legal Counsel), is one of my dearest. When everything fell apart this summer, long distance, he was among those who helped me carry this heart. Space and distance is meaningless; collapsing both is simple when you care enough to do so.

Their little one? Let’s just say that C gave birth to her husband. As soon as Baby Acorn opened her eyes, it was as though I was looking directly at a mini of him, but with curls and no facial hair. And happy. Good God is she a happy and loving little bundle of actual joy. And bright. Because frankly, just like not all kids are cute, not all kids are bright. When the light’s out behind those eyes, you know what’s up. AlhamduliLah  not here, though honestly, with parents such as these, dullness was never in the books.

Last year at this time, we were wearing pyjamas and eating pizza at N’s. Little did I know what the coming 12 months would thrust into my life. Reflecting on 2018, I am, believe it or not, genuinely grateful. I have come out on the other side with a heart more open, trusting, loving, and aware than it was before 2018’s summer. This is the greatest blessing which I have been gifted by God. I have been cracked open, and never happier about it. Basically, I am like a never ending Kinder Egg; suddenly halved, with an awareness of endless goodness and gifts to offer.

When we are given the opportunity to love and be loved, nothing is more precious. Outcomes no longer matter, only that I am better for the opportunity. (I reserve the right to have days where I am not feeling such softness.)

Do I wish I were today more by way of different means? Of course I do. But again, that story, it was not about me. I was a character in the life of another for a short period of time; my presence will always serve as a shadow over the faces of future women. (This isn’t ego; it is awareness of value, and one about which I will not pretend humility.) Last, but equally important is that I know I will constantly serve as a reminder to the main character that they switch course. Because they can be better. They can do better. They are loved and worthy. Though never mine to keep; they are Allah’s.

May our year ahead be filled with kindness. May we find healing in our darkest hours, and when we cannot, may our beloveds open windows to show us a gentler way. May we cover our tongues and do less harm to the hearts of others. May we hold our word to a better standard, and align this word with our actions. May we lessen our fight, and increase our softness. May we remove from our hearts a love of all which He hates, and fill it with love for only that which He loves. May we take care of one another, guard one another, stand for one another. And when we fail, which we will because it is what humans do, may we be lifted and forgiven.

Happy New Year. Thank you for being here. (I took this in the middle of the NYE party by myself. I’m sure my family appreciates it.)

To 2018, I am grateful for:
1. All of your bruises, which showed me how many people are willing to ice and tend.
2. All of your growth in knowledge and awareness; until I return to Him, there is always absolutely more room to acquire.
3. All of your blessings, even when it felt like I was pinned between two slabs made of concrete. Really, shukran. I am ready for the heart-ease, for a man to hold this heart and not drop it, while allowing me to carry his; my fingers are crossed and prayers are said. If this is not Your plan, 2019, I’m still excited to meet you.

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