The Slowed Heart

My deen directs that taqwa (piety) is best attained through ihsan (a kindness, well above and beyond, given without an expectation of anything in return). As example, take when we are wronged. The base human seeks revenge. The middle human seeks justice. The muhsin (s/he who acts with ihsan) forgives (when they have not received a sincere apology, when they never expect to receive one).

I received a few messages asking me to tell his and my story in its entirety, from start to finish.

I won’t, because I need to forgive him. And in order to do this, I must ensure that the telling of our story is honoured. In the telling is where the processing, understanding, and healing exist; things which must come slowly, so that I make whole the shattered parts of me, without missing pieces. I adored him; I would have burned this world down for us. Forgiving him is when I will be able to only carry with me the man he saw when he saw himself with me, rather than him at present, him who has done so much damage. The forgiveness will deepen my own kindness toward him to better myself, for only myself and God. In fact, none of this has to do with him.

That written, and to safeguard myself, I must do this while keeping at the forefront of my heart his many deep faults and how brutally he fell from grace in my world. I must always remember how and why he lost me.

The balancing of these things is not easy, because there is a ferocious side of me which, if not tempered, will switchblade her tongue and shatter him a million times more than he did me. But that is my nafs, and I don’t let her run me. So, this story must, and will take her time.

Just like my daily commute to Hospital 57357, which I now know without a GPS. Quite proudly this morning, I directed my uber driver exactly as needed. Incredulously, I did not land us in a garbage pit. Hurrah.

My afternoon was spent with my beloved uncle. Finally, for 4.5 hours we had one another and it was heaven. Heaven. My uncle is all kindness and piety; he is a gentle man whose heart is perhaps among the purest I have met. He read me in seconds this afternoon. He read the above story in seconds. I carry him with me, holding my hand, telling me I will be whole again; telling me to forgive, with love. To remember, with love. To let the man of above go, but only with love. Reminding me always that I have a choice to elevate my heart or harm myself.

Today, I am grateful for:
1. Elephants. I love them very much.
2. My uncle.
3. That I am able to wash my clothes whenever I need to do so.

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