While J was out and the baby was sleeping I spent a little amount of time doodling on the paper J suggested we use to create cards. It was what I needed. Because the matter I have alluded to since February, the out-of-the-blue scenario we’re forced to deal with and which I again mentioned yesterday, continues to eat its way through the greater portion of my day and night.
I may have slept three hours last night? And today I was attached to the phone from 8am until 3pm. This situation, now entirely untenable, has been building for months, and this week, it is as though it has shown itself is a never-ending nesting-doll of Bad.
What should have been wrapping up, if not entirely completed by now, has not even begun. And if it is near, we are being kept entirely in the dark. And this has created extreme stress for momma and myself.
Funny thing. If I feel as though there is wrong-doing against me, I take it in stride, compared to how I do when my mother is facing something harmful. If I feel as though there is injustice committed against my mother, or – oh my God – someone is trying to take advantage of, or screw her, I am a completely different person. Vicious might be too gracious and kind a word to describe me in this circumstance; and, to be in this particular emotional hell, when I only engage conflict after exhausting all other options (as I have here), is a kind of trauma because I loathe so much to deal in such toxicity . This week, the pressure of the situation, and it’s forcing me to occupy this emotional state is near snapping my back in half.
But alhamduliLah still. It’s straight trauma, but it could have been worse. It can always be worse. Again, this story I will share in time, when it is not so heavy.
If you can spare energy, please send some to momma. Thank you.
Today, I am grateful for:
1. J and the baby. They are both softness and kindness. And J, like me, is very much a hugger. I needed all of the long hugs I could receive today.
2. Gummy bears, which my mother calls ‘chews’, as in ‘I have the chews in my purse’. If this isn’t reason enough to smile, I don’t know what is.
3. Streaming films online. You are the unsung hero facilitator, my friend. Thank you.
Ottawa | May 23, 2019