The Lighthouse Is Feelings

While I was in Geneva, he asked What are you looking for? It was a celebratory night out, and all conversations crept deeper as the night pulled us toward dawn. I had just met him that evening.

Peace. I am looking for peace.

Do you know what you’re looking for? Do you / did you have a list of what your partner should be? I never had one, but have, within different experiences, recognized when a particular quality resonated.

Jilly yesterday pointed out that one of the reasons I last got myself into trouble was almost entirely because I was checking off boxes, instead of paying attention to how he was making me feel on a regular basis (hint: It wasn’t good). Boxes that weren’t even my own, but suddenly I was very much –

✔ Lame reasons that check check had nothing to do with feelings of safety
✔ Or peace
✔ Or comfort
✔ Because I am a
✔ Dumb
✔ Dumb

For a while while traveling, I was weirded out that I couldn’t tell even myself what I am looking for in a partner, other than: Keanu Reeves, please and thank you (maybe he’ll love rose-water syrup which, have you pre-ordered yet? You really should – it’s beautiful). Until this night in Geneva, when I was able to distill it all into one simple and elegant word: Peace.

At the end of the day, this is all I want: I want to feel peace.

After saying it out loud, I realized that while some of us live our lives and trade in experiences where lists are where we thrive, others of us, myself included, can’t express what we want but can express how we wish to feel. Neither one is right, and neither one is better than the other; they’re simply different Life Languages, I believe. When I woke up the next morning after this conversation, I remembered that while I was in Paris, Jennifer had recommended this approach, but I hadn’t yet been ready to address it. Clearly, my mind had been doing some work behind my own back.

No matter the conversation – love, friendship, work, future, etc. – if you’re like me and find yourself struggling to define what do I want, try shifting your question to how do I wish to feel?

It was a game-changer for me. It might be for you too.

Today, I am grateful for:
1. The woman walking down the street smiling to herself. You were beaming and you made me smile, just by looking at you. Thank you.
2. Skype with Naomi, and dinner with Mariam. I love the strength and length of hugs shared by the extraordinary women in my life. (Get as many meaningful touches a day for immunity and heart health, please!)
3. Reigning myself in. I saw Andrew $chear (I don’t want his name on my site) this evening and I didn’t throw a shoe at his ugly and disgusting hate-filled face.

Ottawa | May 2, 2019

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