This is what she looks like now –
Rather than binding the interior pages December to March, I decided to only mark their ending with the yellow ribbon. Because really, amidst the emotional violence, there was so much beauty found in my travels.
I did, however, completely change the cover so that my brain recognizes the shift. I chose the yellow because it is bright and clean, and simple. All things which were nowhere to be found in 2018.
I have been meaning to write about this for the last 2.5 months, but keep forgetting and when I have remembered, I just got bored and didn’t bother. Marking the journal anew seems like the right time –
I came across this passage from March: When I woke up, I had my answer like a fucking kick in the face, in the shape of a WhatsApp message and a photo. Whether he sent them intentionally or otherwise it doesn’t matter, though my guess is – when he is so drunk and cranked on cocaine, Valium and Adderall, he confuses chat windows easily. He did this last month when we reconnected briefly while I was in Tunis, and I believe he did it again last night at 2.30 am.
I wrote that on the day of the event, still making excuses, which peeled off quickly enough to give me whiplash. It sucked. And it was hard to accept. I was happier with blinders on, because the truth remains so monstrous. My mind couldn’t wrap itself around just how sick he was to have done this thing. Most difficult was that a part of me didn’t want to face just how poor my judgment was to have cared for a man so riddled with moral decay.
But. It was always intentional.
Not for any reason other than he is a sick individual. And I am lucky that I walked when I did, alhamduliLah.
A few days later, I amended it to: When I woke up, I had my answer like a fucking kick in the face, in the shape of a WhatsApp message and a photo sent at 230am his time. When he is so drunk and cranked on cocaine, Valium and Adderall, there are no boundaries.
Take my advice. Leave the blinders to the stables. Even if it means accepting that you willfully chose to be a shitty judge of character because you so wanted to love someone.
Today, I am grateful for:
1. The colour yellow. My journal is next to me as I type, and I keep eyeballing it. She is gorgeous, and so vibrant; yellow really makes everything so much more lovely, doesn’t it?
2. Dead To Me. Have you watched this show? Watch this show. I have always loved Christina Applegate, and she is brilliant in this show. You will binge and you will be thankful that you did. (Note: It is laugh out loud funny. Like, stand-up comedy LOLz.)
3. OxiClean. I mean. This shit is literally magic.
Ottawa | June 14, 2019