There appears to have occurred a ripple in my timeline, since the accident. It’s as though there is a distinct break between everything before that moment, and everything since. Eons of time between the two lives.
Looking at photos from last week is odd. The events I see are unrecognizable. I have tried to recapture the essence of my days – slow mornings with coffee, my walk to the ocean, 2.5 hours at the water’s edge, a walk home to afternoon coffee and a bath before preparing for the evening.
It doesn’t fell the same. It feels like I am simply flowing through some necessary time passage.
Which isn’t so bad, perhaps. The evenings are a lovely thing to come up against in Venice, so to move daily towards this is welcome. With the sun setting, a quiet symphony of white lights begin to glow through all paths, no matter the direction.
Certainly, all of Venice has agreed that safety is to be found inside of their unified strings of light.
Last night, we were discussing the destructive tendency about which I had written earlier. Specifically, why it was that I stopped myself from doing the things which I wanted to do on Sunday night.
Simple, really. If I’m going to behave in destructive manner, I wish to be fully conscious of and responsible for it, rather than defaulting to any excuse outside of ‘I chose to’. In this case, it would have been a very easy ‘I saw a dead body shredded on pavement so I acted out’, but I’ve never been a fan of easy. More important however, is that I have never shied away from responsibility for my choices, because I expect only the best from myself toward myself. It is one of the ways I define my own integrity of character, and I am not shy to write that if more of us held ourselves to this standard, we’d have a softer world.
Today, I am grateful for:
1. Though I don’t understand it even in the slightest, I am thankful for the passage of time. With every additional day that I am blessed, I am grateful.
2. The ability to recognize my healthy and also unhealthy patterns.
3. The strength to turn away from the latter ones, especially when it is a challenge to do so. I’m looking forward to when the new patterns about which I have to presently consciously think, in order to do, no longer need my awareness.
California | Day 250 | August 7, 2019