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Category Archives: The Funnies

Let them eat cake

He and I met for coffee at Elgin Street’s Bridgehead. It was a really lovely afternoon of caffeine and conversation, and I had been over the moon to see him….

The trauma of self-flushing toilets

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the epoch of stupidity, it was the epoch of my…

Potatoed immigrant children

I have suddenly fallen in love with green nature. Swear to God this must be because I am now living in a box in the sky. I was born in…

Making a lover of ugly

On Monday past, I received some stressful news which came with a jpeg. In defense of my incredible friend who sent me the message, they thought I would find the…

1st time I saw a man’s fun-bits

The first time I saw a man’s fun part was in a safe and romantic setting where I was a willing and capable participant. Delete. The first time I saw…

Submissions: It’s Only Love

I held one of my dear and beloved friends, Naomi K. Lewis, hostage and forced her to listen to my idea for a collection of stories. Then I gripped my…

Peanuts

#31FunnyStati** 2008. A conversation. Snippet from a recent conversation in my life: Friend: “That’s how peanuts grow.” Maha: “Peanuts ‘grow’?” Friend: “They grow beneath.” Maha: “Beneath the sky?” Friend: “Beneath…

#31FunnyStati – The Challenge

1/31: I’ve already completed a 6 week everyday hot yoga challenge as well as a photo a day for 365 days and this morning, I was trying to come up…

Wedding RINGS have dislodged me

Editorial Note #1:This article was originally published 11/11/02. I am currently on holiday and unless titled Dispatches, then what you are reading was scheduled for publication in advance of my…

Mark, my imaginary friend

Editorial Note #1: This article was originally published in 2011. I am currently on holiday and unless titled Dispatches, then what you are reading was scheduled for publication in advance…

Taylor Kitsch may sink my battleship, but…

Editorial Note: Originally published on 2012/02/17. ——————– Colin receives all of the accolades. Last week, I was on course for work. When introducing ourselves, we were asked to name our…

I will survive

Out for ice-cream the other night, a friend turned to me and asked in very serious tones: What do you carry with you in case of emergency? I, equally serious…

If Toilets Would Speak (to an immigrant)

Editorial Note: The following was originally published on 8 March 2012. In honour of Canada Day, I am re-posting. I was recently in Nova Scotia for work, and had a…

Remember that time you really cocked it up?

When entering the arena of dating, we should all be given our own personal bomb suits. Just in different shades to compliment our hairstyling ways cleverly hid beneath the helmet….

Muslim families, they’re just like you! *Crazy*

I couldn’t have been older than six or seven years old when this happened in Gaza. It was around Eid festivities and so the family had lamb. Precisely like the…

The Twilight Zone, it’s in my head

Sometimes, the inside of my head it’s like the dark side of the moon. Because it was freezing rain tonight and because yesterday my ankle was iced, I decided to…

I thought the dog was real (story of my life)

What follows presents you with evidence in support of the theory that I was a hysterical child. Spending my summers in London meant that my parents had many a photo…

Rejuvinated California…

Greetings from California! I had hoped to engage limited internet activity, but turns out that’s impossible for your WebMistress, and so here I am seated with a cappuccino and my…

The Free Fall…seconded

A reminder of how it should be, when it can be. A reminder that when it isn’t, because it can’t be, then it should still always remain the love story…

Full moons, mascara, and baba

“Jills! I need a big favour on your way in — I am having a makeup emergency!!” was the first of many hysterical text messages I sent to Jills this…

Tales from the Toilette

There has been a theme to my recent Facebook Status Updates, as follows: Here’s a conversation I don’t want to have in the washroom ever again: “Hi! Sorry to bother…

Blind Dates and Face-Kinis

Have any of you heard of this? Imagine wearing one of these to a blind date? Because it’s not weird enough to wear it at the beach, let’s take it a…

Two Palestinians and a whiteboard

Of this image, you may replace Santa with my dad, and the baby with myself, our emotional states static when it was time for me to receive math lessons from…

Dear ‘Z’ — IP address 64.229.5.173

Hi Mississauga, IP address 64.229.5.173 Please note that your comment has been flagged and sent to your Bell Internet Provider, and also to InMotionHosting. Your dumb ignorant abusive and hateful ass…

Immigrants + fatsos

Of late, I have been quite heavily and v happily wrapped in citizenship issues and questions. I understand this struggle of immigration on a personal level and also the depth…

Nerd Childhood Memories

.1. The very first time I carried a UNICEF box, I was mesmerized by it. Proportionally, I was about the same size as the box itself, only it was —…

Let’s get physical, in ‘the China Town’

But first, let’s look at this photo of your blogMistress circa 1981. I was a bad-ass, always matching my head-bands to my shirts, to my shoes. My glasses spoke for…

Crazy has a season

And that season is summer. I have been completely lethargic and uninspired lately; short-tempered and arguably maybe a slight-bit-but-just-a-little-less rational than usual. Me, I thought it was because I can…

My Sorry Ass: A 6 month challenge

Did you ever think you would come here and find a photo of my ass? (I imagine someone in my Tribe is frantically trying to issue a Fatwa against me….

Secrets

I need to tell you, right now This may in fact be a psychosis, not sure yet. If something happens, I really do need to tell you because Sharing Is…

Baby Sings “WRONG”

This morning I was seated next to a baby bundled up and singing Frère Jacques. (The baby, not I.) My trip into work made me revisit the following High Security…

Ponytails, parks, awkward communication, and The Viking

Since moving into The Cloud Cave, I hear neither the sound of wind through trees nor birds calling to one another, beauty by which I was surrounded both at my…

When art collides with sex ed

My friend came over yesterday to put the final touches on The Cloud Cave. Namely, to hang all 15 of my art pieces and a 7,000 pound mirror which I…

Sexual Chemistry and Marty

I am writing a follow-up to Defining ‘Sexual Chemistry’, and so sending you there to read in advance. GODSPEED. Comments closed. Digg this post Recommend on Facebook share via Reddit…

Maha Hour in The Cloud Cave

We just finished Earth Hour; did you observe? I did, and it was more like Maha Hour, not really sure what the earth had to do with it. I sank…

I have ants in my pants

I wouldn’t call myself manic on a normal day, but the last seven days have placed some sort of fire ants in my pants. And by fire ants in my…

Consumers Distributing, feminine massage products, and hysterical children

Do you remember the store Consumers Distributing? It was basically a store without a display area, where you walked in, chose what you wanted from a catalog, checked off said…

Happy Valentine’s Day

Hia! Valentine’s Day alone? Yes, please! As a Singleton, I am really excited about other peoples relationships, while I hang out with my mum, and same sex non romantic girlfriend….

Ottawa Hospital Volunteer: It’s not like Grey’s Anatomy

Editorial Note: The following views have nothing at all to do with either the official staff or volunteers of The Ottawa Hospital, but rather are entirely One Female Canuck’s. Because…

I’m too sexy for my blog

Said Oscar Wilde: “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” I wonder, do you take yourself too seriously? Like, do…