On behalf of a very large group of women who are too shy to express the following, please note that the root of this entry is a conversation with a girlfriend whose husband expected her to remain as slim and trim and gorgeous as the day they met, while he slowly turned into a beached whale. Not because of a physical condition or handicap which stood in his way, but rather because he became lazy. Disinterested. Not caring enough about the relationship or her to do otherwise.
Until they got divorced, one of the reasons for which was the fact that she was no longer attracted to him physically.
If you are a man looking for a “fit & slim” female, and making it abundantly clear that this is the case, then it should go without saying that you too should be someone who – at the very least – is a fit & slim individual.
Secondly. If you are a man married and demanding that your wife remain “fit & slim”, then you too had better be hitting the gym, and hitting it hard.
Doesn’t that seem fair? And if some of you find this entry insulting, then please feel free to label me, as well as every single one of my friends, “fittest”. We will be able to sleep just fine tonight, thank you.
Consider us a no-fly zone for Double Standards; body size and fitness not withstanding. (And if you are willing to engage in double standards where – literally – your ass is concerned, I can’t help but wonder whether you’re likely willing to engage in double standards where many other things are concerned; all of which is unattractive.)
And for the record:
Spare tires? Chubby.
Triple chins? Chubbiest.
Unless you are a small infant, “chubby” is not a way you should want to be described – not if you are demanding that your partner be the opposite.
For the record, I want my partner to look a certain way and so bust my ass to keep it a certain size – otherwise, I would never have a particular idea of the body-size I want in a partner.
To every single woman I know, this is not attractive, and many women shy away from saying this out loud. I am one of the women who is not attracted to the triple chins, the spare tires and / or moobies, and I don’t have a problem saying this out loud and even putting it into print.
Are we fighting?
I have missed your throw dowsn. I HATE it when men do this.
Sorry about your girlfriend getting a divorce. Was the physical thing the root of it? Did she talk to him about it?
I hope this comment works.
Maria – I am online so approving this immediately.
I have a few comments from you that are exactly the same – I have been offline for the past two days and only posted this out of general annoyance, but maintaining radio silence on all other tech things until tomorrow.
I think maybe you weren’t seeing them go up because I wasn’t around to approve them immediately 🙂
Anyway. Happy you enjoyed. I too am frustrated by this topic – a topic that took over an entire girls’ get-together one evening.
Yes. She talked to him repeatedly and repeatedly and repeatedly. Unfortunately.
And no, of course it wasn’t the REASON they got a divorce, but it was most definitely a primary indicator of a bigger problem in their relationship. He let himself go – physically was one of the outward examples of the problem. I hope that makes sense.
Gotta run. If you post another comment I will not approve it until tomorrow. Don’t think it wasn’t approved or it didn’t go through xoxoxo
I understand now why I wasn’t seeing them! Hope you enjoy your time off and I will look for my comment tomorrow.
Please count me in this category of females as well.
Can I ask what’s up with men thinking that a belly is like a badge of honor? They pat it like they’re really proud of it, like it’s a sign of something to get excited about when it’s repulsive.
“Man boobs”! I don’t think guys know just how unattractive those look.
I get that women and men after a certain age have to deal with a change in their bodies but if that starts to happen too soon, the letting themselves go part, then you’re in for a lot of trouble down the line. Not to mention the fact that it’s plain unhealthy and not good for your heart.
Thanks again for the funny.
When my wife was still alive, I would run three times a week for two reasons. One because it is a healthy lifestyle to remain “fit”, and two because I wanted to be as best as possible for the woman I was always in love with.
I don’t think people understand how much more work is necessary to keep the passion alive.
I still run much slower, today for health reasons.
Thank you for the lovely reminder.
I fuking hate that it’s always women that have to reach a certain beauty standard and not really the men.
Count me as someone who agrees 100 fucking percent!
Fucking assholes who expect their women to look a certain way meanwhile they don’t do the same! ARGH. -lily
Maha.. you forgot to add one thing that men should do before demanding perfect looks from their wives.. They should get pregnant and have the kids.. then, and only then, they can “demand”.
I get your point that he can’t just assume she has to work to look good for him but he is just perfect anyway he is. I fully agree. However, if he was not after her on her looks, and is not necessarily a fit person, I would take the spare tire and the third chin if they came with a big heart, a huge hug and a man I can trust, respect and enjoy an intelligent , at times funny, conversation with.
It will be OK because I will be so busy talking to him and laughing with him, I will not see his tires!
Anonymous – I think if you read the entry a second time, you’ll see this wasn’t about random men who you could laugh and be happy with. It was about the double standard that some men have when they’re in a relationship or when they’re making their demands for a woman.
I was on a dating site once and you should have SEEN the men making the demand that a woman be hot. It was fucking ridiculous.
The day a dude says “It will be OK because I will be so busy talking to her and laughing with her, I will not see her tires!” AT THE BEGINNING is the day I’ll eat my own freaking socks. If a dude’s like this later, after years and years and years of marriage, then that’s totally normal. -lily
Maha. How long was your girlfriend married?? How long before he started letting his shit go?? -lily
My girlfriend was married for less than three years, about. And the moment they became married, he stopped caring. Almost as though it was an excuse to let himself go entirely. It was really shocking, actually.
Exactly as Lily said, it wasn’t about the relationship that develops, but rather the initial stipulations about with whom you’re willing to entertain the notion of a possible relationship. Also, it was about the maintenance of these things once inside of a relationship. Physicality is most definitely one of them, for many individuals. No one is looking for an Adonis (better left to the likes of men in Hollywood), but rather someone without the man boobs. I don’t think that’s unfair, when they are making the exact same claim to the sort of physicality they want in their own female counterpart.
Men are finally starting to feel that they too have to meet a certain body image. Frankly…it’s about time.
I am guessing that my perspective will shift next decade, and more so the ones beyond that…but not right now. 🙂
This is a great post, I stumbled across your post while looking for popular lyrics. Thanks for sharing, I’ll be sure to return regularly.
I. LOVE. YOU.
I love this post.
Its great – its perfect. Its bang on.
“Let’s fight about it.”
You are fucking fantastic.
No spare tires here or doublechins. When will you go out with me?
Here here! If I’m going to all the effort I expect it reciprocated. This goes for everything in the relationship!
Great article Maha. My wife and I discussed something along those lines about people who ‘just let themselves go’ as you mentioned. Barring a physical or mental illness, it otherwise shows a lack of mental toughness: a lack of acceptance that anything worth having must be fought for. We call the opposite of that the ‘warrior mentality’: a fearlessness in the face of hard, physically and mentally tough work. As you know yourself since you do the same training as the both of us.
let me cast my ‘nay’ vote for the post. there is just too much going on to post a proper response from work, but a couple points:
1. you are confusing issues, as you admitted to a degree. the demize of your friend’s marriage seems the result of much more than flabbiness in the physical sense.
2. with all due respect to kent, my wife has an aversion to the gym and physical activity for activity’s sake, however as far as ‘mental toughness’ is concerned i’ll stack her up against anyone.
3. all this discussion of someone’s partner’s attention to physical detail is just cover for ‘your’ own vanity. i gym as frequently as i can, and have been physically active since i was a kid (which i attribute to my mother’s shipping us kids to swim camp every summer since i could walk) but if i spend a moment’s thought about why i continue to work out, it all boils down to vanity. not discipline, not health. and when it comes to whatever positive reaction i get from my wife or others due to being fit, honestly that’s just vanity too.
Kent. Thank you for your comment! Very much!
Hi Marc b.
Love that you are a ‘nay’ and so respectfully so!
(1) I hate the gym and activity for activities sake. That’s why I train traditional boxing (no sparring, however – just all of the training one would use before getting into a ring…without the getting into the ring part).
(2) Vanity? TOTALLY.
(3) Note that what irks me here is the double standard. The wierd odd acceptable to many men, double standard. For those (both male and female) that don’t care – then by all means…more power to them.
(4) Absolutely correct to note that it was a mix of many things that led to the divorce; the physical became an outward representation of the rest of the problems. It was what she could point to to articulate “he just stopped caring” on so many – if not most all – fronts, sadly.
(5) Kent is a professional athlete. He is one of the trainers at http://www.wbk.ca/ and the grueling body / mind connection they are to maintain lends itself to explaining his comment. I have watched these coaches go through their weekly, and then once every two monthly ‘spartan challenges’ and they are…ridiculous. Amazing, really, the sort of shape they must maintain and it is for them – beyond a shadow of any doubt – largely mind over body.
Please come back! It’s so nice to have someone agree to disagree so politely and nicely. Yay you!
P.S. Question of health is really more along the lines of “…if you’re not gonna stay fit for vanity’s sake – yours and your partners – then how about for health’s sake?
The more I think about it, the more I come to believe that we are not meant to sit around behind desks all day long…as I type, seated on my ass, from my living room 🙂
TOTALLY AGREE. On a related note, it kills me that you can walk into a neighborhood bar and hear guys criticize a woman’s appearance or how she has “let herself go” while they continue to feed their enormous beer guts. I also think this physical rule extends to emotional and spiritual health. You have to tend to yourself in order to truly be there for your partner. It’s a two way street. At least put in some effort, ya know?
ummm. I suggest everyone gets CF, then no one has to worry about the extra poundage. That is all.
PS I’m selling it in the alley if interested.
Austin Lisa. Amen, sister. This gave me a really gross but funny visual: “while they continue to feed their enormous beer guts.”
On the post about you…someone asked if you are hot.
What shall I say, sir?
the kind of guy who would let themselves go while denying their partners that right wouldn’t last a minute in a fight with you, Maha. Kind of related: i got the chance to read Bridget Jones’s Diary while on my trip. I’m not sure if you’ve ever read it, but her and her friends’ discussions of men and their “emotional f*ckwittage” reminded me of the asshattery I hear you talking so much about (a f*ckwit is rather like an asshat, like men with double standards).
Trying to get caught up on your blog. It’s good to be back!
slowly going through your blog and loving every damn syllable, pause, word, comma, period…. everything said and everything else implied in between the lines.
this reminded me of a particular quote i read once…
“if you expect me to look like the soap opera girl, you best believe you shall look like the soap opera MAN.”