We talk about it regularly, with relationships, but not enough in terms of friendships. Unusual this, as more often than not, relationships tend to be fleeting whereas one hopes that friendships aren’t so. 
Friends to me are family. I have no brothers or sisters and so place a great deal of weight and worth on people I cherish and love. I am there for them at the drop of a hat, making time and finding energy even when I would rather curl into bed and not speak to anyone. If there’s one thing any one of my friends will tell you it’s that I am fiercely devoted and loyal to what exists between us. When I love someone, there is no end to it.
Sadly, on a few recent and different occasions, I’ve had to ask myself if I give too much of myself away to people. I don’t have an answer; maybe because the question hurts so much to ask and I can’t get past the asking. The mere posing of the question paper-cuts me and to even write this out has made me hurt because I feel a fool to ask it.
I’m not sure when giving too much of ourselves starts to happen, and I have only once before thought it was possible to do, and the result of that was pure poison.
The disappointing reality is that imbalance occurs and it may be most brutal in this realm.
I don’t reign myself in emotionally; when I feel something, I don’t snuff it or shy away from it, but instead open myself up to it and let it run me as this is one of the defining characteristics of who I am. This is the case with everything in my life, including friendships. That I have felt nothing but a slow shutting down of this recently makes too much of me ache, and the reality is that because of the ache, it may very well be the first time I have ever thought the following: the only thing I’m interested in doing is shrugging, saying f*ck it, and walking away.
Life is far too long to choose allowing such as ache into our lives.
I agree that if something isn’t being reciprocated, then fucking move the fuck on. You’re a crazy magnet flame who just draws people in and if there are people who don’t appreciate that then fuck it and walk. You’ll stumble on to a million people who wouold clamor for the smallest piece of you and your time. LOVE -lily
You are one of my most beloved friends and I can attest to the reality that you have never once failed me, taken me for granted, made me feel as though I am less than the most precious individual in your life. Beyond measure, your fierce being the perfect word, fierce support and protection have served to keep me whole when I would have otherwise fallen to pieces.
I hate to think that at the moment, you don’t know what you mean to people and how incredible your presence is in their lives. For the record, and because you are having to investigate such a heartbreaking side of friendship, we want you to know that your mere existence is a blessing.
With all of our love,
A
No matter what I am here for you! Doesn’t matter what time of day or wherever I am! Please remember that when something happens that discourages you! But I do also agree with you on one thing; when something isn’t reciprocated…move on and keep going. Life is to short to waste time on such people. Have a lovely day!!! Your friend always,
Soha
i hope your friend(s) work out whatever is keeping them from fully appreciating the wonder that you are.
clay
A, I have just emailed you. xoxoxoxo
Soha, thanks to you as well. I know I can count on you at any time of day and night. It’s only one of the few things I cherish about your presence in mine…and I hope I have never let you down when you have needed a shoulder or a laugh or a quiet weepy session 🙂
Clay, thankk you, always. Again, partly for the same reason as Lily – that we have never met and yet somehow managed to develop this amazing and unusual friendship over the years 🙂
To answer your question, no I haven’t mentioned anything. Like I say in my post, I feel resigned and can’t find the energy to mention anything or talk about it or address it in person. No doubt that a part of the problem is that there are things I hold in and then they slowly shut me off and down and I never give voice to them. Only the written word…but at least my writing is a small venue to push out and away pain when it comes at me.
xox m
We need to be missed and to be inaccessible at times for people to remember our worth. It seems that human nature makes us often fickle and so if I were to give you a very small piece of advice, it is the simplicity of taking a step back from people and allowing them to acknowledge the loss of you within that space.
Good friends who love you and who have been in your life for years, still require this. It is not that people are to be faulted, it is that it takes an extreme amount of strength and self-awareness not to take any sort of preciousness for granted even when we become used to it.
Thomas
The problem is for those people who give freely, everything they give is a living part of them and indeed when they did give, they did not exepct it to be reciprocated but when the tables are turned and they need to receive, it feels horrible to find yourself in that “alone zone”, the zone you never let your loved ones go to.
When one gives so freely, people think it is easy.. they do not know how painful it is to give of your heart, the only thing that hurts more is to see those who take, throw your heart away when they are done.
Maha.. I have no advice for you.. except to say your curse is the curse of being a giver. it hurts like hell to give when those who take do not value what you have given and do not understand the responsibility that goes with accepting the gift. Still, you are doomed to continue giving because it hurts more to not give . Every time you hold back, you kill part of you . you are damned if you do, you are damned if you don’t. It’s your cross. I can’t say learn to live with it because I am much older than you and have yet to figure out how to live with it. Let me know when you figure it out.
I know you will know who I am without me signing off.
A little spring cleaning a little late.
Anonymous – Always with the spot on words of wisdom, shukran. I wouldn’t miss your sense of knowledge anywhere 🙂
I know that you too have dealt with this. It SUCKS. My girlfriend N sent me an email with the same sentiment as your “it feels horrible to find yourself in that “alone zone”, the zone you never let your loved ones go to” (which I love so much – because we really don’t ever let our loved ones get into that zone, do we? Never. We ruin our own days to make sure they never make it there alone, and keep reminder that there is always someone alongside them).
Unfortunately, for me, this is a little more complicated – I don’t need anyone to see me through anything right now…I am feeling, simply, less friendship reciprocated than I put out, and so am going to pull back from everyone.
Not the greatest thing to do, but I’m doing it. Whoever reaches out will be a cut above the rest and I’ll deal with them on a one-on-one basis after that, inshallah….
I’ll call you this week…xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
I also think any person deserves to know in honesty why your friendship is ending and given a chance or two to put things right by you. There are tests of friendship in life. Real friends will always pass knowing what to do naturally. The effort is there because they want it to be, and you will feel valued because they know how to reciprocate your affections and efforts. Some people don’t know how to do this, and you are likely wasting your time. These people aren’t ones you should feel hurt by, it really is their loss.
Also, I think there are friendships and relationships that simply run their course and have a shelf life. Which isn’t to say they didn’t serve their purpose or have value, they are just part of our journey. Maybe that is different from what you are experiencing, I dunno. In any case, I love you, sweetie. And I’m sorry someone has disappointed or hurt you.
xoxo
Lisa
Thank you to everyone for your advice…and for the warmth of your comments.
I think sometimes we fall into patterns of seeing / communicating with one another that, when the pattern changes, it can be misread as a change in the nature of the friendship itself…when it in fact isn’t.
Anyway, the only way to find that out is to find the courage to ask, and hold your breath until you receive your answer.
🙂
Thank you. Love you all. xox
You treat me with huge and addictive importance, you give so much of yourself in simple things when we’re together, and you inspire answers and decisions in me! There is nothing such as “giving too much”. Never. Not when real friends are involved. I am sorry you might have been made to feel this way.. and I wish I could be with you right now.. Actually, I could.. What are you doing these days??
Even at my worst, you make me feel like an unparalleled queen who deserves the best, which actually makes me really want to be that person that you see in me.
Even with parents and siblings – thank God-, friends are family to me.. I expect my family to be a family, and I’m almost always disappointed…
There is just something magical about finding random strangers who cross your path and somehow become unmovable mountains in your life.
Babe, you are my friend and sister and I adore you beyond reason or condition. I am just sorry that we aren’t in the same city, but you know that I’m just two steps behind 😉
xooxo
me
Bottom line is, most people you meet will behave in rubbish manner. I have learned that it’s much more suitable to not cut folks off generally, but to instead just not to bother with them. If you see them…then fine. But don’t make the effort or support the friendship. If you feel like the levels of time and energy being put into the relationship are not equal, then believe me when I tell you that there are so very many others who would absolutely *love* the opportunity to hang out with you at equal measure. It is to them and in them that you should invest. The others fade much faster than you can imagine. With so many people in the world, the trick is to place our energy and love in the hands of those who appreciate it. It’s really that easy.
Please don’t let it get you down too much; since writing this article, I have learned that the hurt simply isn’t worth it. Not when there are so many wonderful people around who would never give rise to such feelings. Trust.
Please come back and let us know how you are doing; I hope that you start feeling better v v soon.
Hugs,
Maha