The Hopeful Pivot

I had my coffee in bed this morning, while creepily watching the woman in the photo. She spent over 30 minutes tending to her small window-garden (the equivalent of two coffees). These little window frames might just be one of the loveliest sights in Paris, in fact. I don’t know how they get their flowers to bloom when it’s so cold, but there you have it.

We spent our day at Les Puces, which is from where I a few years ago purchased a small painting which now hangs on the Cloud Cave’s wall. Today, I lucked out and found a beautiful little ring.

It’s a slow and quiet day otherwise, with one critical piece of reflection twirling its way through my head. On and off, I have always come up against the always agitating existential questions what do I want?, what will make me happy?, and what is my purpose?, etc.

Since September, the static of these questions has increased greatly; this, I would argue, a very natural response to stress and trauma. More so for someone who isn’t comfortable sitting around dealing with things over which they have no control. It’s a complete mind-fuck on so many levels, and I have been stuck. Though better than being in quicksand, stuck is still a form of paralysis.

Back in November, I asked momma ‘Do you ever wonder why you’re here? Like, what is your purpose?’. She looked at me like I had water on the brain and very frankly stated ‘No. My purpose is that I am alive. And so I live. This is what it means to be created.’

This response was so elegant, and it was so clear that I have tried to slowly make my way to where she is standing – to simply be content and at peace being here in this present space, without worry about any future. (Anxiety, by the way, is mostly defined as worry about the future.) It’s not always so easy, however.

In conversation with Jenn about this very subject, she recommended that instead of asking what I would like, to instead shift to how do I wish to feel?

As a woman fueled by gut instinct and intuition, I cocked my head sideways, stared at Jenn in wonder and amusement, and thought – YES. YES I CAN ANSWER THAT.

And from the feeling, I would then be able to identify the things which make me feel how I want to feel, and to welcome them, while actively saying ‘nope’ to anything other. In this way, I can at least work toward ensuring that no emotional real-estate is being squatted on by the things/people not generating the feelings which I have identified as places I wish to live. Like this beautiful stone home, the entrance of which is nothing short of magic –

And whose back garden looks like it was written by Dickens –

I am hopeful. AlhamduliLah.

Today, I am grateful** for:
1. Jenn willingly pounding the streets of Paris, and generously waiting as I checked out every menu with the hope of finding crème caramel. It is nice to not feel alone on any streets.
2. Pain in my lower right back. Because this means that I am doing an excessive amount of walking.
3. Listening to the sound of wind across the windows. Because we are safely housed inside, where warmth is our friend.

**In an effort to reflect more on my gratitude, and to swim in each one just a little bit longer, I will be adding a small explanation of why I am grateful for the thing about which I have gratitude.

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