The Survival Skills

Through the very sweet El Cabanyal neighbourhood, I wandered the 40 minutes down to the beach, and then kept going another near two hours until I reached the end of where humans were allowed to step. Meaning, I got lost.

Sadly, I don’t speak Hispanish. Though I only speak three languages, I like to believe that I smile in international, which is the only way I was able to find my way home, rather than to a ditch. I smiled while pointing WHERE DO I GO I AM A LOST FOREIGNER MY MOORS WERE YOUR MOORS IT’S WHY YOU’RE SO EASY ON THE EYES with my hands for three hours. Everyone helped because for sure they thought I had water on the brain. One metro train human driver even took me ONE STOP because that’s how dumb he thought I was. He also refused my money.

The Spaniards are good (to look at and) to engage. Come to Spain, friends.

Especially Muslims. Creep your sharia over on this way; the Spaniards have bidets in all homes so Muslim asses all’round. Though can we please take a moment to address the challenge of a Spanish bidet?

I’m not sure what ass-size one is meant to have, in order to use their bidets properly BUT. First, the water spout of a bidet, if you simply sit on it (the bidet, not the spout. Because 7aram), hits you in the middle of your back. It’s honestly not a hammam (I checked). Second, there is not enough force in the water to make it reach either of your bits, front or back. Rather, one must hover, shimmy, angle, and make many prayers regarding their core strength in order to Muslim-clean one’s bum.

Solid gold, otherwise.

Today, I am grateful for:
1. Having survived this long. I wrangled and lost to a bottle of water until a stranger took it from my hand and opened it for me. How am I not dead in the street?, I wondered.
2. Laughing until I cried. I pronounced the English word ‘gorge’ as ‘horheh’, and Azza flipped and reversed my shit by looking for ‘Casa de Akhawaan’ rather than ‘Casa de Juan’. (Akhawaan literally means brothers, and it’s how we refer to the fucking lunatics in the Muslim Brotherhood.) One of my top ten moments of this leg of the trip.
3. Lightness. I have not felt this light or without care and worry in over a year. So much lightness of spirit, heart, and mind, ya Allah thank you ❤

València | April 3, 2019

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